It is the goat jazz we seek, but the twee monitors have too much opinion on getting between the sheets, sexpests writing notes we may be, but at least the bins go out! We're all praying our uterus won

[lildottie]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't?

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

The link to Part 44 is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2359579-Viroids-get-your-Miroid-to-stick-his-manjo-in-your-fanjo-and-the-jizz-bombs-will-go-off-Theyre-famous-for-their-super-support-and-butter-fannys-there-will-be-BFPS-its-JSing-44?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2356300-The-nice-weather-is-making-us-crave-burning-meat-on-an-outdoor-fire-maternity-leave-is-causing-headache-and-we-are-all-soldiering-on-as-the-heat-is-getting-to-us-here-is-JS-26?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2355867-Weve-no-time-for-JSing-Were-battling-green-nappies-sleepless-nights-x-box-playing-men-and-trying-to-hide-our-sling-addictions-Fuck-it-lets-do-a-runner-on-a-golf-cart" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="//www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings can be found <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2358940-The-title-of-those-conception-threads-rein-it-in-their-please-ladies?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="//docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit?pli=1#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN. Welcome.

Feathered have a couple of drinks, get the minibus and enjoy the wedding. By all means don't get plastered, but don't put your life on hold for two weeks a month.

Oops, late to the party again! Almost missed my train stop reading the new fred... Love the title lil!

Name: Carrot
Age: 29
DC: 17mo DS
TTC: since July 2014, mc Jan 2015

Currently 7dpo and getting v impatient. Been googling yesterday when does implantation happen as was having some odd cramps

Welcome Topiary and wave to Nouser!

Gouda hooyah and gx! Also gx for Sky and Topiary!

lil I would love to request a functional shag from DP, but he'll just say "You should relax, it'll happen when it happens!" Which would make me punch him meaning no sex...

jelly your cat must have felt it won a lottery jackpot!

Speaking of smears - I am planning to invoke Sod's law and will book one next week for after I've had AF. Would have booked it already but they don't give appointments that far ahead. Also booked a blood donation session for next month. Of course I'll have to cancel both of them as I'll get my BFP

Feathered if you keep behaving like you are pregnant for half your life, you'll hate it. Don't go mental, but don't be afraid to have some fun too!

So,...maybe I'm not out...
Spotting has stopped again.
No sign of anything even when wiping (tmi??)
Last month there was a bit of spotting which turned into heavier spotting then lighter again, then became a period. Like it was teasing me.
But this time absolutely nothing now, after light spotting yesterday.
Currently CD28, 9 or 10 days post icing.
What do you think? Test? Or hooyah???
Maybe I'll keep waiting another day or two and see whether my uterus truly wants revenge or not!

Implantation bleed mae wait & see I guess?

Carrot I wondered about that not symptom spotting at all! What did your research show about when implantation bleeds usually take place?
I also have no pain/twinges that usually indicate AF is on her way.
But yes, I think I'll wait and see (but take some sanitary pads with me on hol just in case the witch swoops in!)

... which she won't. Cos clearly this is my month!

I only read about implantation (but same goes for the bleed I suppose). It said most commonly 7-10dpo, "but could be earlier or later as well"

helpful for fueling the crazy though!!

typically IB will come about 2/3 days after implantation. Implantation happens as early as 5DPO and typically around 7-10DPO.

I would advise waiting until you are "late" mae. I had spotting for the first time this cycle, it went away for half a day. When I woke up the next day the witch arrived.

So hooyah

God I'm always late to the thread.

Totally, 31, one cat, one jsing dd, cycle 3. I think that covers it.

I've stopped temping and opking. I know I iced the last two months, and had a normal lp last month, so I don't think there's much point, it's just making me stressed. So now in actually jsing proper or I would be but the removal of contrabandhas removed my motivation a bit so there's been no actual shagging yet

jelly your cat must think it's died and gone to heaven!

feathered definitely go with cat's option d. You can't deprive yourself on the off chance. Just don't get totally drunk and you'll be fine.

I know the thread had moved in since then but I just wanted to say I did hypnobirthing with dd and found it really useful. It really helped me cope with contractions, and it was an induction. Downside was that the midwife didn't realise I was in labour because I was just quietly getting on with it, so I nearly delivered on the ante natal Ward!

Aren't BFPs extremely common after a wild hen do or a festival drinkfest as well?

I have a horrible headache. I should really go and do some tidying but thinking maybe I should just take a nap. Such a difficult choice

Just had my appointment through for ultrasound. Unfortunately it's when I'm in the middle of yet another run of night shifts, so I've had to rearrange it, and now it's not till early June. Boo.

Me too carrot, crap say at work, pounding headache. I'm in bed about to pass out for an hour or so til dh is home.

Rubbish sock

My loo roll is pink. My wee is bright yellow. I am beginning to think yesterday's technicolor dream cm was an optical illusion. Fack.

pink loo roll?

sky does your pink loo roll match your salmon pink bathroom?

Pink and the package had puppies on it from the local offie. Emergency stop on way home from school run. DP urgently needed a poo and Waitrose is the other end if the High Street. I sold it in to him and the girls as "like wiping your botty with pink puppies" it has subsequently proved rather popular

And no our bathroom is white tile, but we do have a lovely orchid coloured (dark pinky purple) toilet seat. We're fancy.

Lol sky :D

I really don't want to go to football training tonight. I have a thumping headache and my joints are aching :)

That was meant to be a :(

Feathered - Just go out and do whatever you would do if you weren't in the two week wait.

I mean, no-one's going to put a gun to your head to make you drink, but what's the point in denying yourself things you enjoy before you actually know if you're pregnant? Especially in the tww when it's a potential massive kick in the face at the end of it.

Eat the brie. Eat the pate. Drink the wine!!

carrot my DP is just the same. "Relax, it will happen!". I have to downplay my obsession natural sense of organisation otherwise he'd thinking I'm overdoing it.

Boo jelly.

Sock, you have your scan appointment already?! I'm not even meeting the midwife until next week, I'll be 7-8 weeks then but think that is normal here.

Mae, what colour is your spotting?