It is the goat jazz we seek, but the twee monitors have too much opinion on getting between the sheets, sexpests writing notes we may be, but at least the bins go out! We're all praying our uterus won

[lildottie]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't?

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

The link to Part 44 is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2359579-Viroids-get-your-Miroid-to-stick-his-manjo-in-your-fanjo-and-the-jizz-bombs-will-go-off-Theyre-famous-for-their-super-support-and-butter-fannys-there-will-be-BFPS-its-JSing-44?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2356300-The-nice-weather-is-making-us-crave-burning-meat-on-an-outdoor-fire-maternity-leave-is-causing-headache-and-we-are-all-soldiering-on-as-the-heat-is-getting-to-us-here-is-JS-26?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2355867-Weve-no-time-for-JSing-Were-battling-green-nappies-sleepless-nights-x-box-playing-men-and-trying-to-hide-our-sling-addictions-Fuck-it-lets-do-a-runner-on-a-golf-cart" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="//www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings can be found <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2358940-The-title-of-those-conception-threads-rein-it-in-their-please-ladies?" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="//docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit?pli=1#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN. Welcome.

Congratulations Niff!

And and sympathy for those having a tough time at the moment. Seems like every time I go on FB someone is either posting scan photos or pics of them looking gorgeous with their teeny babies. Grrrr.

I think anyone campaigning for any party to stop UKIP getting a foothold in power is doing a good thing, tbh.

Unmumsnetty hug sky.

I think most local campaigners are often campaigning for their constituency as opposed to Miliband, Cameron, Clegg etc.

I highly doubt the SNP will go into a formal coalition (a la Lib Dem), vote-by-vote definitely though.

I miss 12 hours and the thread goes all political - wtf??

Congratulations niff gx sky

A Prosecco party? Abroad? Count me in!!

Just sending lots of hugs your way - I totally get it and hope the penny drops with your family too. for Sky too.

Good work on the sweets and Viennese whirls people. I had an AMAZING a dinner last night in town - washed down with a dirty martini and a couple of glasses of white wine. Mmmm.

Shagged both yesterday morning and last night - (and Friday and Thursday night too). I do think I iced much earlier in the week though - so don't think I can expect anything to come from it. I'm a bit sad for getting it so wrong. All that jizz - a couple of days too late.

I got a faint positive on my OPK this morning but not nearly as dark as Thursday.

Good on your husband Jelly - I'm also a leftie as is my husband, which is often a surprise to people given the sector we work in. Looking forward to Thursday - it's going to be interesting what kind of government we end up with, but I can't predict it!

I love a good election. I'm the loser that pulls an all nighter to watch the votes come in.

On the shagging front, still nothing here, cd10/11. Should really make an effort tonight.

Oh sky, you sound as though you are in a right Pickle with your emotions. Could it be the hormones you are taking? Is it worth talking to your gp about it, both in terms of your emotional state and possible effects on ttc? Unmumsnetty hugs for you xxx

So stats: dtd cd 9, 11, 13, 15, 16,17, and 22. Iced cd 17, ewcm 16, 17, 18. Peak on CB sticks cd16/17. My body was being fairly cooperative! Main symptom: continued cm. Completely irrational weeping CD 27

Just sorry your mum IBU! I'm sure you're right and she's overexcited. Perhaps she conceived easily and doesn't understand how it feels when it doesn't happen so easily? It's taken mine a while to learn to say the right things - when I had the MC she said all the wrong things, then had lunch with a friend who had had multiple MCs and IVF and phoned to apologise!

Sky I think

Sky I think the mumsnet app is driving me frisking crazy! I keep losing the keyboard... I think we all need to lose it every now and again. Maybe there are some people out there who exist in a state of perfect mental composure. Then there are the rest of us who need to get snotty and shouty occasionally!

You lot are letting the how wuuuuude post down with your mature political chat

niff proper chuffed for you, gx for a sticky bean (or 3, GIBLETS!!!!)

What is everyone up to today? I'm procrastinating when I should be doing housework

jelly I watched a presentation by the ifs? (the independent money thingy?) and they analyses the manifestos and where that would put us financially for the 4 main parties - lib dem, SNP, cons and lab. surprisingly the lib dem, SNP and lab plans cane out roughly the same, although they had to make a lot more assumptions for labour as they were unclear about LOTS of things in the manifesto. conservative manifesto set us for cutting debt and deficit by more than the others by end of parliament and less assumptions had to be used as manifesto was more concise and transparent. I think really question is what is your opinion on how quick we continue the recovery (yes continue, we aren't there yet!). for me I liken it to my own finances - the less interest I pay the better! thank god ur dh doesn't like em though. he's a twat! lol

we are voting for council elections here as we'll as mp seats. feels odd that I'm voting in a constituency I won't be living in the day after election! but I'm moving to a "safe" conservative area so my vote us better cast where I am atm which is labour. its funny I don't consider myself to have a set party. I quite liked Tony Blair, and though Gordon brown was a good chancellor (but a shit pm), just the last 2 elections conservative waffling makes more sense to me. as it is I actually think they should all go back to the gutters they learnt how to lie cheat and steal in and let me be pm! we definitely need another woman to do the job!

sky sorry your in uncertainty again. at least you can be measured about it now.

best get back to packing!

You're quite right wine.

Tits. Arse. Wankbadger.

niff you're right, she is. I keep getting told I mustn't be doing it right as she and my sister got pregnant straight away! Think she needs one of the greetings cards. It's not just angled at me though, I think she's bonkers- she's trying to organise a family meal for next weekend when my sis will either be with tiny baby or getting induced next day. No matter how I put it she's baffled that I think sis might not want to go out for a fucking curry! On a plus note you're stars are almost exactly what we did this month right down to date of icing and shsgging and even the continued cm so I'm crossing fingers i have cracked your successful formula!

I'm in bed ill, arse rain has developed into flu type illness and I feel crap.

sky sometimes we all need a good cathartic shout and cry. for you

You mustn't be doing it right?!? Jesus Christ what is wrong with some people. Think she needs the card "well fuck you with your perfect ovaries"

God do people really just say the first moronic things that come to mind?!?

Hi can I join you guys please? I'm new to mumsnet and was attracted by the fred title and a whole lot of swearing .

Name: Janey
Age: 29
DCs: 2 dogs
TTC: This is cycle 3

We have decided to shag every other night this cycle. I don't trust the app I used the first 2 cycles since I downloaded two others and they all disagree . Also have endometriosis so need to up the chances as much as possible!

Welcome janey I fear you've caught us having a bad sweary day

But this is a very lucky thread we've had tones of bfp s so gx for you!

Pahahahahahaaaa Janey, love that you were attracted by the title that makes no sense! and the swearing. Welcome to the crazy.

Just, no offence to your mama but she sounds like a right fruit loop!!!

I'm still pondering goat jazz? Think I get the 'jazz' bit...

Welcome janey, we are a very civilised bunch.

pud - very eloquent

Ha ha was a typo of ghost jizz!

Got to love a good typo

Hi janey waves . Goat jazz is typo of ghost jizz....when it all disappears.

country I'm rubbing the jizz in my hair and dancing naked in the moonlight...that's right isn't it?

just well that's what I've been doing...... Is there another way??

Don't think so, we have it covered.

Literally