Desperate for a baby/too young/not ready.

[kate113855]

Hi, I'm new here and I'm really sorry if this isn't exactly the right thread to post this in, but since I'm technically WTT then I figured it's the closest thing :-) someone redirect me if I'm wrong! I did look around but couldn't find anything similar.

Firstly I'd just like to say I'm 20, I'm fully aware that is young and I don't know if I am ready for baby or not, but I do know that I can't financially support myself, I have a year of my degree left and I don't have my own house/living arrangements. I currently live with my mom when I'm not at uni. I have a boyfriend of 1 and a half years who is two years older than me. He has a full time job but the wage is terrible and he can't afford to move out yet either.

I've been really broody since 12 or 13, basically since puberty and I'm a "mothering" person anyway (I treat my cats like total babies). But since I've turned 20 last month, I've got serious babies on the brain. I've spent literally DAYS trawling through these forums, reading people's experiences and feeling so bloody jealous. Obviously it's a natural thing but I wasn't expecting it to hit me this early :( The baby section in clothing shops is quickly becoming the bit I go to first. Obviously I've got no reason to go there other than to make myself depressed and upset but it's like a gravitational pull at the moment. I'm practically stalking facebook friends who are expecting, waiting for updates and wishing it was me. I find myself putting my hand on my tummy and it's driving me crazy. It's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last before I go to sleep at night. It's getting me really down because of the conflict that my body is screaming at me to be pregnant but I emotionally, financially and physically can't! I've burst into tears several times recently, I get weepy everyday because I just have it on my mind 24/7.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking to be a special snowflake. I know women get broody. But everyone else at my uni I'm friends with literally NEVER mentions babies. They're all about going out and getting drunk and having the time of their lives. I enjoy going out too, but for some unknown reason I've just slammed into this brick wall of intense broodiness in the past month and now everything seems to have paled in comparison to being pregnant and having a baby.

I've tried blocking the websites with apps and making lists of everything I want to do before I do have a baby, but all they seem to include is getting engaged, living together...and then having a baby! I can't really talk to my boyfriend about it. He's all up for living together after I graduate and I know he wants to get married (someday, he says) and have babies but I know for a fact it won't be for a long time. I've asked him before what he thinks the best age is and he said early 30s! The way I'm feeling now and barely out of my teens I definitely can't wait another 10 years.

Anyway,
TLDR: Suffering from extreme broodiness/obsession that leaves me feeling upset and incomplete, can't be pregnant yet for various reasons, need to get it sorted because it's affecting my state of mind and soon will be affecting my degree if it gets much worse! Any advice or help on how to deal with this sort of thing would be very much appreciated xxx

Are you on any form of hormone contraception? I ask because since broodiness is basically our hormones trying to get us to procreate, I wonder if changing pill or trying a different form of contraception might help lessen the intensity? Might be worth talking to Gp about?

Would working in child care help or make it worse? Perhaps you could get part time work at a nursery as maybe being able to spend some time wih children would satisfy your need to nurture?

Failing that, all I can advise is that you just have to keep telling yourself that getting your qualifications and career sorted first would put you in a more stable position to start a family when the time is right. I am currently working and doing a post grad course with a toddler, it is hard going I can tell you! I think if i'd had a baby before I'd finished my degree I would of had to wait a long, long time before I would be able to go back to it, if I ever would that is! Of course everyone is different and it depends what support network they have. I would imagine for some people who have parents able to do a lot of child care then a year out of uni wouldn't be a huge problem but then there is still the issues with finding jobs that fit around childcare etc.

I'm 23 nearly and up feeding my second baby. I had number one a month before my 20th birthday accident

I wouldn't change my children for the world, but in the nicest possible way, don't do it now. The idea and reality of being a mum at any age is different as I'm sure you know, but at 20.. I wish I had time to go out and do more before I had them. I wish me and DP had time to go on holiday together, just have fun getting to know each other more before we had to get serious. I wish I had more time to be selfish! Having kids is amazing, but I bet you are only broody for the baby, not the screaming unreasonable 3 year old you'll eventually have!

Plus you get no bloody sleep, its like torture! It is the most rewarding thing but also the hardest, most tiring, boring, lonely thing I have ever done. I am so jealous of seeing my friends go out and have carefree fun and rarely invite me because I have no money/babysitter.

I really am sorry if this is patronising or doesn't make sense so tired and feeding baby but I just wanted you to know the reality from someone your age!

I think your feelings are so intense - as you describe them - that you should see if you could access some counselling services at your uni to talk it over. I think it is unusual to feel this broody as you describe it in your situation (very young, at uni, unable to support a baby, surrounded by boyfriend and friends who don't have children) and I wonder if it would be helpful for you to talk to someone about these feelings, why they are so intense and if there is something in your past or background or experience that can explain it. Or are you ambivalent about the course you are doing? Once you understand your feelings, it is easier to deal with them.

On a practical level, you are only 20, you cannot support a child, you are not in a relationship where your partner wants a child (and 20 is very young even to commit to a partner) so spending so much time and thought on something that is not feasible right now but might be very feasible in just a few years seems a waste in some ways.

You are so young. No need to have a list of climbing mount everest and running your own hedge fund before having a baby. A list of wanting to graduate, get a job, get married, have a family is probably what most people have on their list of things to do. The key thing is not to spend age 20 thinking about a baby when you will be doing that eventually. Spend age 20 chatting to friends, joining clubs, doing activities you like, reading books you love, building memories of now rather than wishing it away.

I agree with the above poster. Your head and heart are at conflict, you know the timing and situation aren't right but your biological need has become overwhelming, and by the sounds of it irrational. Are there other underlying issues at play which are manifesting themselves as this broodiness? Counselling might get to the bottom of it. Don't get me wrong, it's normal to be broody and although 20 is young there's nothing wrong with having a baby at that age if you're emotionally and financially ready for it, but you know yourself that you're not. That was an interesting point someone above made about contraception.....perhaps there's some sort of hormonal imbalance which could be rectified with the pill? I hope you find the answer x

Hi everyone, thanks so much for replying and thanks for all the suggestions.

I have been on birth control pills previously from about 14 to 17, and then for a really short time when I was 18, but since then we just use condoms (which I much prefer because I wouldn't trust myself to take the pill properly at the moment, crazy baby girl as I am) so not sure if it's that. I could possibly get some babysitting if I tried, it's a bit difficult around uni since sometimes I'm there past 7, but I did work experience in both a midwifery unit at my local hospital and a nursery about 5 years ago and absolutely loved both of them so not sure whether that would help but definitely something to think about.

As I say it's really only come on strongly in the past month or two, I don't know if it's something about getting out of my teens but I wouldn't say anything bad has happened to me that would make me like this. No pregnancy scares, miscarriages, abortions, etc. I had a really good childhood and I loved my brother when he was born, I've never felt lonely or anything. I do English at uni so not the most interesting subject in the world, I do enjoy it on a educational level I guess but I'm nowhere near passionate about it so perhaps I am just bored with it!

And about the counselling; there's a really good support network at my uni for students so I will definitely look into it, but wouldn't you say it's a bit of a trivial think to seek counselling for? I think I'd feel a bit of an idiot and I'd be worried they wouldn't take me seriously :(

Honestly reading it back to myself I think one of the reasons why I feel so obsessed is because this is my longest relationship and it feels like a proper one, (not to sound naive) but like we could be together for a really long time so for the first time pregnancy actually seems possible (in the long run) and my brain has just amplified it massively. I'm a REALLY impatient person, like if I see a handbag I want I will literally think about it and obsess over it until I get it (not to compare babies to handbags but there you go, I'm not that shallow :-))

Thanks again for replies and I'm sorry you're tired yougotafastcar! Having a baby certainly does sound so exhausting haha. And you're completely right about not being broody for toddler tantrums! Only the bump and the little baby ;)

I agree with you that being in a relationship tends to make you much broodier. It's a compliment - you feel happy and settled from a partnership point of view.

I'd say, accept your feelings, you don't have to fight them but you don't have to act on them either. The world needs lots of people to feel protective towards children, whether they have their own or not. Wake up feeling broody, enjoy that feeling and the knowledge that it is very likely you will have a baby one day. Imagine, you might be someone who never felt broody, and it is a strange, strong feeling - quite an experience. Why not imagine the different kinds of children you might have. Yes, why don't you look at going into English teaching/nursery teaching/child care/child psychology/paediatric speech and language therapy/midwifery? It will channel the feelings positively and they are all tough careers so should allow you to have times when you can positively enjoy not being with children!

As far as the impatience goes, well you can practice not acting on things there too. Experience the feeling, imagine how well something has been made and marketed to make you want it so strongly, enjoy its presence in the world, then walk away. Don't try to make yourself not want it, but you don't have to own something to love it.