Hello everyone,
I'm not sure what I'm looking for really, any advice, people in the same situation as me, or maybe just a place to air my feelings. Any feedback welcome.
I am 38 and my OH is 44, we have been together for a year and a half and are madly in love. For the first half of our relationship our sex life was amazing but slowly things have gone down hill. I know he loves me, he is affectionate to me and we are really happy but physical intimacy, kissing, sex is now down to twice a month, sometimes nothing at all and has been for the past 9 months (July last year).
In December we discussed that we wanted to start a family, neither of us have children and my OH said I am the only person that he has ever met that makes him want to start a family. We were both really excited about this, as I would love a family and have been open about this from the start. I promptly had my coil removed, however our sex life / activity didn't improve. I wasn't happy about our lack of intimacy and sex life before hand, as I miss him and that part of our relationship terribly but now we are 'trying' for a baby and nothing has improved, I am starting to feel really upset / angry and hurt about this and his lack of effort.
I have tried talking to him about it on several occasions, before TTC also. I appreciate it is a very sensitive subject and I have been very sensitive in how I approach it. Last week I tried talking to him again, whilst out on a beach walk, about really wanting a baby and that having sex once a month isn't really conducive to conceiving and he said he would rectify that, but nothing has changed.
I have tried everything, before and after we decided TTC, it is always me that instigates intercourse and he is always turning me down, which is now eating away at my self esteem. When I tried speaking to him about it (not in the bedroom) he said he doesn't know what's happened, just that the wind has gone out of his sails, that it is 'him not me' and that he will try, as he does want us to have a family. Yet when I then try to have sex, he always makes an excuse and he hasn't tried to instigate any intimacy at all. It has even got to the point where he makes me feel bad for trying to be sexual towards him at times. I feel like I am some kind of sex pest for wanting intimacy from the man I love (regardless of TTC).
I feel in a catch 22, I am trying to be sympathetic to him, sensitive to him but have my own needs also, with or without trying for a baby. At my age of 38, I don't want to take too long trying, before I see a doctor to check all is OK, but there is no point seeing a doctor when I'm not even having sex and giving it a fair shot.
If anyone could help me with any advice of how to speak to my OH / what to do. He just shuts down on me now, saying there is no point talking about it, it doesn't change what is happening with the ED (I'm calling it ED, he's not admitting it is). But I don't see him doing anything proactive about it either. I am really worried at this rate it is going to drive a wedge between us and that I will miss out on my chance to have a family.
I am happy to be understanding and supportive, but I want to feel like I am part of a team, not that I can't speak to him about it. It's like an elephant in the room, we are both dancing around because he won't open up to me / try to change anything.
Thanks for listening everyone :) xx