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Conception

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Original poster

My mc has "ruined" how I view pregnancy and birth.

16 replies

chasingtherainbow · 31/12/2014 18:48

I have 1 dc.. pregnant very quickly, loved every moment and had (sorry for the cheese) what I can only describe as an incredible, empowering birth. She's 3 now and whenever I thought about our next one, I was instantly on cloud 9 thinking about it.

16 long, hard months of trying and we finally catch. I'm Emotionally battered from the slog to get there... but at last! A bfp.

I miscarried, then caught again and had an eptopic.

I'm scared. I don't live in that bubble anymore, where pregnancy is this thing mother nature does so well, how the universe just follows it's course and you carry full term and (if circumstances allow) you have this natural, game changer of an experience birthing your new baby.
Oh no.

Sometimes it just goes horribly wrong. It's like this huge slog just to fertilise one fucking egg and then praying it'll stick. It all suddenly feels such hard work.. so hard and delicate and like glass, easily broken. When I think about my next pregnancy, I can feel my body tense. I am filled with dread over the thought of being on tender hooks for 9 months hoping we'll make it to the finish line. We only want two, so when we finally get a successful pregnancy, it'll be my last and I am so angry that it's ruined. That I won't get the same experience I had first time.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't think it can be, can it :-(

Sorry if this upsets anyone- I just needed it out. . And a hand hold if anyone can.

OP posts:

rockybalboa · 31/12/2014 18:56

I'm not sure those feelings ever go away tbh. I had 3 mc's before DS1 and then another before DS3 and it does totally nuke any feelings of excitement, you basically spend 12 weeks worrying and being totally unable to get excited because you are just waiting for it all to come crashing down around you. However, I can hand on heart say from experience that once you get past that initial early period it does all become 'normal' again and you can get excited and make plans. Well it did for me anyway. Good luck with your journey. xx

bonzo77 · 31/12/2014 19:07

Yup. It's shit. Been pretty much where you are. I count my lucky stars that I did have one blissful easy, healthy , easily conceived pregnancy before having my innocence taken. When I did finally get pregnant with one that stuck my anxiety levels were sky high from bfp till he was several months old. It's not quite all forgotten, but he's now 2 and we are trying for another.... I've got my head around the ttc but (16 months or so now), the possibility of it never happening, or another miscarriage, and that any pregnancy will be high risk, very closely monitored and likely to cumulate in an early cs. Not what I thought was in store first time.....

sydlexic · 31/12/2014 19:14

I think we should stop hiding our pregnancies for the first 12 weeks. Why do we not make a failed pregnancy normal. It happens to so many people and it is still a surprise.

After 17 pregnancies to get my 3 DC, I have never expected easy.

cruikshank · 31/12/2014 19:25

I am sorry for your losses OP and for the others on this thread who have experienced loss. Unfortunately I think that knowing life is fragile is one of those things that you can't un-learn, however much you may long to. It doesn't help that, as sydlexic says, women very rarely talk about miscarriage or stillbirth, and so when it does happen it can be a huge shock. I don't think there's an easy way of dealing with it, as such - you can't undo time. You did have a happy first pregnancy though - I know that you want to go back there again, but at least you have that lovely memory. And your losses, as well as being painful, are all part of your family's history and make you into the woman that you are today - not perfect, a little sadder, a little wiser, and one who will always hold her babies in her heart. I wish you well with your journey.

impatienceisavirtue · 31/12/2014 19:39

Oh OP I'm so sorry you've been through that :(

I totally get where you're coming from. We had 2 back to back mcs this year and then when we discovered my current pregnancy we were both delighted and horrified.

At 16 weeks now that we are passed that initial 12 weeks I can tell you honestly you do get some of the joy back and it isn't so difficult to just enjoy the pregnancy. It stops being quite so scary.

Brummiegirl15 · 31/12/2014 20:30

chasing I hear you. Our journeys have been fucking shit. I wonder if I'll ever have my own dc.

3 times. What is different about me to other people?

How many times must we go through this? 4, 5, 6???

sophiabella · 01/01/2015 22:26

Just want to send hugs to all xxxx

Original poster

chasingtherainbow · 01/01/2015 22:35

Thanks to those who stopped by. I am very sad to hear of others losses

It seems there is a little hope I might enjoy a pregnancy again at some point though. Perhaps I need to work towards accepting It will never be the same as it was first time around though and just hope that I do get a healthy baby eventually though.

OP posts:

Original poster

chasingtherainbow · 01/01/2015 22:36

Oh and extra love for brummie

I'm thinking of you

OP posts:

catbus · 01/01/2015 22:58

I hear you, OP. I had the second MMC this year, 2 days before Christmas. I've had 2 losses at other times, also. I was oblivious, blissfully, with my first two DCs. And after the first loss, pregnancy was never the same again. It taints everything and takes every ounce of one's strength to keep sane- the relentless knocker checking and anxiety..
There is hope..I am blessed with four wonderful DCs now- but the pain of this year alone has left me shattered.
Big hugs to all that have experienced MC- especially brummie who I remember from the posifrickentivity thread.

catbus · 01/01/2015 22:59

I meant knicker checking

impatienceisavirtue · 01/01/2015 23:00

I will admit that i still knicker and knocker in fact check now but it becomes habit and isn't so stressful

stargirl1701 · 01/01/2015 23:05

I hear you OP. My first pg was a mmc. I just feel anxious when pg. As for scans! People asking if you are finding out the sex. No, I'm checking if my baby is alive, thanks. A heartbeat and not that awful black unmoving mass on the screen.

It's shit, quite frankly.

Cirsium · 01/01/2015 23:06

It does change your view of pregnancy. I am 34 weeks but after a mmc in 2013 and over a year to fall pregnant again I will not believe it until I actually hold my baby in my arms. I have two friends on Facebook who are due later in the year who posted excitedly at midnight that their babies are coming this year now and think I'm going to have to hide their posts as, happy as I am for them, their confidence in the process really upsets me.

Monten · 02/01/2015 18:52

Hugs chasing am sorry you're feeling low. You're right, it changes everything. I look at women who have had no problems (like my SIL - three pregnancies = three babies) and have to admit to feeling really jealous of their innocence.

I'm not religious and I don't buy the simplicity of 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' but (in my more positive moments) I reflect on what's happened and think it has made me stronger. And actually, I'm really proud of myself for getting through it. And it has definitely brought DP and us closer.

When I'm not angry or sad (which I still am a lot) I do truly appreciate what I have more and pay more attention to the simple things that make me happy.

Being pregnant again won't be the same experience but you will have the benefit of the unique clarity and joy in small things that comes from having seen behind the dark side of the magic curtain and knowing just how precious it all is. Here's hoping 2015 is a good year for all of us.

Original poster

chasingtherainbow · 04/01/2015 12:09

monten that just made me well up.

Thanks everyone. It's nice to not feel so alone, though I'm saddened that this horrible feeling extends beyond my little world. for you all.

Some days are better than others. We hope to ttc again in march and I'm utterly convincing myself of a December baby. It's going to happen, it has to. There's a palable gap in our family. I can feel it in my heart that we aren't complete yet. We were never going to be a family of three, somewhere in the universe there is a baby that is meant to be with us. Somewhere in my ovaries there's a strong egg that is meant to make it

my dd is desperate for a sibling now. We've had 2 new nephews in the family and she's obsessed and asking when we'll get ours. She talks often of our "baby star" and whenever it's dark she looks for them. . . When I explained to her what happened I never expected her to hold on to it as much as she has. On one hand I'm grateful our lost bean isn't forgotten. . But I catches in my throat every time.

Sigh. Today is a sad day, I can feel it.

OP posts:

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