Really need some help!

[LemonDrizzleTwunt]

I will try to keep this short for the sake of your sanity

Married to DH for 2 years, together for 10. I'm 27. We have very recently decided to start trying for a baby, and I am due to have my copper coil removed tomorrow.

Before I made the docs appt to get it removed, I was excited about the prospect of a baby, but now for some reason the doubts are crawling in...

What if I have horrible sickness for basically the entire pregnancy?
What if this is the beginning of a heartbreaking journey of lots of MCs, fertility treatment etc?
What if money is so tight we have to leave our beloved house?
What if I am a terrible mother?

I also feel a slight time pressure already because DH is a teacher, and said it would be nice for the baby to be born in August, in order that he gets maximum time with us before he goes back to work.

I feel like this is the time where I should be really excited and looking forward to the future, but I'm not sure I am? I'm obviously looking forward to good news, but my nervousness is eclipsing any excitement at the moment. I've never really been maternal, and whilst I think I'll enjoy pregnancy I am worried I won't love my baby like I am supposed to. I'm not someone who gushes and coos or could ever be described as broody...

Is this completely normal, or are these warning bells? Any help, advice or kindness gratefully received! (Please be gentle with me.)

I'm not sure what to say really except that worries are completely normal. I've never been that maternal but have known for about 18 months now that I'm ready to be a mom and put everything into it - as long as you feel like that I wouldn't put additional pressure on yourself to be a 'supermom' etc.

Talk to your DP and keep talking. Ttc can be an emotional and hard journey but you just need to keep talking everything through.

I could have written your post. I'm 28, DP and I together for nearly 11years. We keep faffing between shall we/shant we... It's exhausting!

I dint have any advice I'm afraid, just sympathy!

I will say though that I hope your DH's request for an August baby is just an ideal hope. It's a lot of unnecessary pressure for you to be aiming for a specific date!

I also find his request interesting as my background's teaching and I'd give some thought as to whether I'd want to avoid a Summer baby.

Oh thank you Ma and JubJub! I am so relieved I'm not alone.

JubJub it is definitely just an ideal date. I asked him about the whole 'young for their year' thing about half an hour ago, and he said that the performance of a child in their early years ed is much more to do with the involvement and support of their parents rather than their birthday, in his experience.

How do you feel about it?

I'm completely torn about the Summer babies issue. I've seen enough Summer borns struggling in their later school lives to worry about it. But then it is just a trend and not a rule.

If I had a very 'young for their year' child I do think I'd strongly consider keeping them out of school for their Reception year.

(If I couldn't get them into a very heavily play based Reception setting.)

Sorry! Totally not the point of your thread!

Good luck with your decision. If you find the magic answer then let me know.

Ha JubJub I will! I am a summer baby, as is my sister, and we were never below average; so while this is not evidence for the contrary at all, it means I have no negative experience to counter DH's date preference.

It's really nice to hear that others are in the same boat, and actually it's so reassuring, that I'm feeling more optimistic and less anxious already

I've decided to have the coil out tomorrow for definite...let's see how it goes from here!

Btw, do either of you have the money worries too? SMP looks like fuck all after the first six weeks! yes I am ungrateful but I have a mortgage

Money worries is one of the main things on the cons list! Followed closely by the selfish 'what if we want more time together just us?'.

I had been diligently saving but have since developed complications in my chronic illness which means I can't work atm and am slowly eating into them. Is there any way you can make some maternity savings from now?

I feel exactly the same as you. Especially the worry about it taking forever and involving mcs and fertility treatment. We are surrounded by super fertile people, none of our friends tried for more than 3 months before BFP. And there's got to be 1 right? So surely it must be us. Everyone thinks I'm bonkers but I can't help it, I've almost convinced myself that it's not going to happen!

My main worry was money but a lot of our friends and family have had babies with less than we have and managed fine so I've put that to the back of my mind. My savings haven't really recovered after being made redundant and being unemployed for a few months but we will manage, not everything needs to be brand new! I'm just saving as much as I can every month at the moment. I don't want anything for me now, I'd rather put it into the baby fund. Doesn't really help when the savings are paying your living costs though. Can your OH put more aside for you?

Hi, well coming from the other side (I now have 2 dcs) I can say your feelings and worries are completely normal in my experience.

I spent all of my pregnancy with dc1 (unplanned) absolutely freaking out - never been maternal either, worried I'd be a terrible mother, money worries due to moving to a new area and then dp losing his job when I was 6 month preg...
BUT it all worked out fine in the end. We didn't have much money (though my dp did find another job just before the baby was born) but we bought things on gumtree,eBay etc and used a lot of hand me downs- babies / toddlers don't mind!

Of course it is the biggest change to your life you can make so normal to worry!

I think if it hadn't happened unexpectedly we would be in the exact same situation as you are.. I'm not sure there's ever a right time to have a baby..

The coil is out!

I'm actually feeling much more positive today, not least because I asked my boss about SMP, and the company intend to be very generous!

We are trying to make savings already, although we're currently paying off a credit card and some interest free credit for a kitchen we bought this year, so hopefully this will snowball a bit when the credit card has gone. We also have a 'shit hits the fan fund', for when one of us gets made redundant and we can't afford the mortgage or something, and I hope to pay some extra into that before a baby arrives, too.

Totally agree with you about not everything needing to be new. I've read some interesting articles on what you actually need for a baby, and if you're intending to bf and babywear and co sleep (as I hope to) then I figure you need

Nappies
Possible breast pump
Babygros
Car seat
Sling
Sleeping bag

The rest usually ends up being given to you anyway! I'm hoping for lots of kind friends offloading their baby stuff onto me.

crazypuglady sorry to hear you're worrying too. Have you started trying yet? Are you also a similar age to JubJub and me?

Ah Cosmic it's very reassuring to hear it from the other side! and to hear that I'm not a total weirdo

Did you worry you wouldn't love your baby as much as was normal, too? Did it change the moment you saw your DC, like everyone says it would?

That's great Lemon!

I agree with you cosmic; there may be a few 'wrong' times but there's never really a right time to have a baby.

Your list is spot on I reckon! There isn't much you need for a newborn, despite what mothercare would have you think..!

Yes I did worry I wouldn't love my baby, felt quite detached throughout the pregnancy, because I was so worried about it all and that the baby would be ok..
But when I held her - and sorry this sounds so cheesy, I had this weird feeling that I knew her already - like 'oh it was you in there all along! If I'd known it was you I wouldn't have worried'

Hope all goes well ttc!

Cosmic, that's so so lovely and not at all cheesy.

I will add what's already been said, which is that your worries and fears sound completely normal to me! I am not maternal either (that is, I've never been broody) but being a parent is wonderful (in the most part!).

If you want to find out what's going on with your cycles (and it might help with getting that August baby), then maybe consider using some Ovulation tests (I have used Clearblue digital (the cheapest one) and it's worked for me as I had no idea when I was ovulating!). Don't put pressure on yourself though, you'll realise soon enough that the TWW is stressful enough without having to aim for a particular month for conception. Just enjoy the ride and best wishes.

Whoops - meant 2ww not TWW (2 week wait)! Fail.

Thanks Emus

Have invested in some Sainsbos own ovulation strips...nice and cheap! Have peed on one already mainly for practice and as I'm due AF I'm absolutely not ovulating, so I think we're about 2 weeks away from being able to do any baking just yet. Not looking forward to the ends of cycles at all any more!

How old is your DC/s?

My ds is 18 months now and I love him to pieces! Still wouldn't say I was overly maternal though but I seem to be doing ok. I've been with my OH for 14 years (I'm 37) and if I'm honest I wish we had started this journey at your age because we now have the age pressures if we wish to have more (still not broody!).

We are trying but DH won't refer to it as trying apparently that makes it too official but we aren't using BC and we're DTD regularly with the aim of conceiving so not entirely sure what else to call it

DH and I are both nearly 26. Been together 10 years. Neither of us has much experience when it comes to babies so a bit ignorant about what they need tbh. That list seems incredibly short!

It makes it difficult that we don't want anyone to know we are trying (because we're not trying obviously ) so I can't talk to friends/family with babies and I'm relying on the internet!

I'd call that TTC!

Yes, have reviewed the list and would definitely add:
Muslins
Changing bag of some kind (doesn't have to be fancy)
Nice blanket
Coat

Am in the same boat as you, although I am the first (I think) of my close friends to be TTC. there are lots of people I'd like to ask for advice though, but actually don't want to now, because I think if their reaction to our news is to well up and say how HUGE this is (people around us have been asking about the latter of tiny feet for 2 years now) I may well punch them.

Yeah I'd call it TTC as well

I think they're fair additions to the list. Sturdy pram has to be on our list as we like walking.

Im the first of my closest friends. Have a few more distant friends with babies but none that I feel I can confide in. Pretty sure the family I have with babies wouldn't be able to keep it a secret so that's out too.

We've had the constant asking from everybody around us since we got married. i seriously couldn't cope with the 'any news yet?' If they knew we were actually TTC.