Ttc, but struggling with sex...advice please

[Josefeeble88]

My husband and I decided to start trying for a baby just after we got married, 2 years ago now. I was diagnosed with pros 18 months before that. Now, our sex life has never been great and we've never really had regular sex. This hasn't changed.

We tried (like really tried) the first couple of months, while we were both on holiday from work. Then we both went back to work, got tired, and the sex just sort of stopped for a bit. Then we started trying again, for maybe 2 months, fizzled out. And so the pattern continues. We have more sex over the summer when we are both on holiday, he goes back to work, sex stops. For months.

I work in a school with children with special needs, which I find quite stressful,and incredibly tiring, so this doesn't help during the week. However, whenever is try to imitate sex at the weekends I'm rejected most of the time, with a 'later'. Which never comes.

I guess I just want some advice about how to help with this rut? I feel we should talk to someone but he just won't. I really want us to have children, and he says he does too, and yet we don't seem to be able to do anything about it for more than a few days every year. I'm sure that we can't be the only couple out there for whom sex is so difficult to schedule?

Are you using ovulation kits? So that the sex you do have is at the right time for conception?

Hi Josefeeble I can't offer much advice just that I'm in same boat but TTC #2, there's only me that initiates sex & I'm often rejected he much prefers to the TV to me which hurts.

I also agree that using ovulation kits is a good idea we've had to use them so that we just have sex at the right time now.

Good luck.

as difficult as it is, try and talk about it with each other. Not every relationship has to have lots of sex to be a great relationship! If it's due to tiredness etc, decide when you want to do it in advance and make a date night of it, try using OPKs. I think you just need to be honest with each other that making a baby generally requires sex, and what is it that is stopping it from working. Or try relate xxx

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-sex/sex-therapy

Try and make it fun buy outfits toys anything that he might like.

As some one else said make a date night out of it no pressure and enjoy being together!

Josefeeble88 I'm sorry to hear you're having this problem. My OH and I have a very intimate and loving relationship, but the sex is infrequent (pretty much only in the hopes of conceiving atm!)

My husband and I both have a lot of stress at work and I suffer from a very severely from depression, anxiety and insomnia. I spend most of my life in an episode and so feel unwell emotionally and physically most of the time. That means neither my OH nor I are really feeling like sex when we are together. We much prefer to chill out and watch films all snuggled up. Neither of us associate sex with love in the way many people do, I think we are lucky that we understand each other on that. Much harder to deal with if you have different views on it. If you do, just make sure you talk to each other.

BastardGoDarkly mentioned making sure you use ovulation kits. I think this is the most important thing you can do when TTC and don't have sex very frequently. This will mean you know when you need to have sex to conveice and outside of that time you will know that the sex is just for fun/enjoyment.

Remember you are a team and need to work together on this. It might help to make sex about more than just having sex. Maybe turn it into a pampering evening with good food, massages, maybe a bath, a film or programme which makes you both laugh. Just enjoy each other's company.

It's very hard situation to be in and I think many people won't understand, but you certainly aren't alone. I hope it all works out, I'm sure it will :)

Hi, my husband and i are very similar, we have a fantastic marriage and relationship and love each other very much but we've just never had loads of sex even at the beginning. We agreed to start TTC in january and u until july had only ever managed to do it at the right time once. I personally think OPK are the worst idea because they put pressure on you to have sex on a day that neither of you wants it - thats what we found. we knew we had to have sex so we either did it even though we didn't want to or we ended up rowing over it.

So in July we changed tac - we stopped focusing on TTC and just focused on trying to enjoy sex again. Since then we've had sex much more frequently and enjoyed it. I have never been more pleased to throw out OPK - horrible things for a relationship!! The pressure was off and we just enjoyed trying to have no pressure sex again and we got a positive pregnancy test a little while after!!

were both similar to you, i work in child protection so very stressful job and my husband works abroad half of the week so is absent and then tired when he is home.

My one bit of advice is DO NOT use OPK just sit and talk and make a plan as to how your going to re focus to just have more enjoyable sex. TTC can come once you have done that if you don't get pregnant in the process

Good luck

Hiya. You are not alone.

My advice would be to ban opk's. Don't ever say 'we have to do it now'. Talk about when you feel more likely to want sex (I hate going up to bed cleansing teeth and then doing it). We tended to try in the evening downstairs or a quickie in the morning (sorry tmi probably).

Also some good advice I got was to aim for twice on the weekend (like a fri night then a Sunday) then once midweek. Then you are sort of covered all the time and full of his boys. (Maybe don't tell him this as it sounds a bit if a schedule).

It is bloody hard trying to make a baby though and unfortunately sometimes you have to put the leg work in.

Also don't rule out porn. (I remember one terrible night when after hrs he just couldn't perform, but we had to do it that night so I just told him to put the tele on and I sort of lay there half asleep). It was like 1am on a school night! The relief when he did finally did it. I think I even muttered 'thank god for that' he replied by 'it was like shagging a corpse'. Now that's a great loving relationship!!!!

Oh and buy new vibrators every few months. (If you like that sort of thing). If you don't, maybe give it a go?

Good luck.

Oakleigh20 your situation sounds similar to mine but good on you for getting your sex life back on track and ditching the OPK's. I got that advice from my GP and that's what I wanted to do however my OH is just so unwilling, he feels under pressure when it's the right time and so do I but we don't have sex just for the fun of it and we haven't for a long time. In fact we didn't have sex for over 2 years after I had our DD and only started again to TTC. I really wish I could get him to enjoy sex again. For this cycle I ended up using the OPK again and we managed to DTD just once!

allchat I've had the same with my OH, takes ages to perform then I think 'thank god for that'!

Something else to think about that I read on another thread if it's the actual sex that is the problem. They used an Instead Softcup to collect the sperm and then she inserted it, orgasmed and got pregnant that way. A type of artificial insemination and there's a lot of info if you google.

I'm not in your situation but in the 12 years we have been together we have had different sex highs and lows(me) I'm currently very much enjoying it! I have an amazing vibrator which I think helps me get in the mood, I also have a brilliant book it's called Tracy cox supersex for life and she talks about such problems in relationships I think it would help you both greatly it's so important to stay intimate. She says if you have even a tiny inkling that you might be feeling frisky then you must act on it, it's true the more you start doing it the more you will want, and like the others said I wouldn't put pressure on yourselves with ovulation sticks just have some fun

Have you considered IUI? It's where they collect your husbands sperm, separate the best swimmers and insert them into your uterus at the correct time for insemination. I think it's about a thousand pounds a go and might be worth considering if time isn't in your favour and you can't see your sex life improving anytime soon.

We are trying - I find it helps if I put on sexy underwear / stockings etc. He could be dying but if I'm unexpectedly wearing a thong he's on it.

I don't have a high sex drive so I find porn useful and a glass of wine.

But I also honestly think that (as nothing has happened in the baby department for 6 months now) that I am going to stop 'trying' because I find it is hindering our sex life a little. And with our first I know when I conceived and we were in no way trying at all! We were on a sort of dirty weekend. I don't want sex to be so 'oh, i'm ovulating, let's' - it's taken the romance out of it.

We struggle with it sometimes too, but we always set an evening where we will switch off tv, phones etc and get to bed early. Take a candle and some wine then after just a bit of naked spooning it normally gets us in the mood! If we didn't make the effort though we could quite easily go for ages without sex

I'm in a very similar situation with my DH. We are TTC but have never had a busy sex life. He is always too tired when we go to bed and would much prefer to do it in the morning (I can't imagine anything worse) or for us to go to bed early, but I find that so unspontaneous (is that a word?!). Although, so is timing sex according to OPKs. I am trying to do it that way though but not tell him that 'we must do it tonight' as it does quash any romance. No real advice as we've only just started TTC but wanted you to know you're not alone (which is a relief for me too!).