18 years later and babies could be deal-breaker

[Dizzyjojo]

Hi
I've noticed there's been a few of these questions and have taken a lot of the information discussed on board. I'm still confused/ scared.

At 16 I met my BF, he was 30 and after a fairly rocky start. Termination for me (not his, previous relationship) and him having to put up with moving 200 miles for my uni. Among some other difficulties.

10 years ago, me 24 and him 38 we split up for about 6 months. He was a heavy drinker and after one too many nights of seeing him in agony in hospital I asked him to stop drinking. He said no, so I left. 6 months later we talked about the future, I said I wanted marriage, children and all that type stuff. He gave up drink and we got back together.

He hasn't had a drink since but he has had some really down times and during one of these, about a year into our new relationship he text (yeah I know) me to tell me he didn't want children. Big shocker. He gave me the choice, stay without kids or leave. After all the pain of breaking up and getting back together I stayed. We didn't talk about it again. Quite often mentioned how we wouldn't be able to do the stuff we do- nothing huge but partying and going to cycling events.

Back in January this year, me 33 and bf 47, I admitted I really do want children. Taking a couple of months to be brave enough to talk to bf about it, he said he didn't want any. I asked him for a chance, leave it to fate. He still said no, he was too old. We left it. Last month I had my pill-implant removed, it was due out and I want my body to have bit of normality after many years of being fed hormones. BF knew about it and agreed it was good for me.

Last weekend I asked him to re-consider the big 'babies' question. He said no, having a baby would ruin his life. He did say he understood totally if I left and wouldn't stand in my way. I do understand his reasons for not wanting children, he also has one of his own, who herself has two kids.

He's upset and thinks he's being selfish. I don't think he's being selfish, we just want different futures.

Now I need to choose. Him, love of my life who I've been through so much so be with. Or the chance to have a family. Every instinct I have is screaming 'leave.'

I have cried a lot and he's said to take as much time as I need. I'm upset that choice is mine alone.
This weekend we've been out to a friend's birthday and kept the normal relationship going but I think we're both aware of the weight of the issue.

I can't quite believe we survived alcoholism, manic depression (him), redundancy on both parts, financial struggles, self-harming (me) and it comes to one choice. I'm now 34 and can feel the good ol' biological clock ticking.

Any advice for a very scared and confused girl?
Thanks everyone.

Sorry if this is wrong forum. I wasn't sure where to put it.

Oh and we've had good times too, not just bad ones. :-)

I think you've made you decision already. Now you just need the courage, support and resiliance to see it through. He has also made a decision too though. Sad that you both want different things but better to decide that now than when it's too late. Best of luck, I know when you are holding your child in your arms (hopefully!) you'll be totally sure you did the right thing.

Have a baby, without a doubt. The resentment will fester and that won't be good for either of you. I know two ppl in real life who chose the man but as they got older, and everyone they know has kids, they are surrounded by reminders of what they missed out on ie family life. Also, you get to a stage in life when there won't be anyone to party with- they're all with their families and socialising with other families.

You are young. Absolutely definitely, definitely brave it out and have a baby. And I am writing this as I watch my 22 month old play and feed my seven week old baby.

Experience tells me that if you stay together it is likely you will end up resenting each other and lose what you have anyway.

I speak as someone who was single forever before I met my husband and know how frightening it is to be in your thirties and not know if motherhood will ever be something I got to experience.

Go for it! You deserve those newborn snuggles!

Hi,
Thanks for posts and luck. Really appreciated.

I read a couple of comments on other sites (I know-sorry) and it was suggested once the clock has ticked then the pressure is off maybe things will calm down and can relax.
Personally I can't see this happening with me. I may be all 'fine' with it on the outside but I'll be so upset on the inside. Regret will get the better of me.

I also had this thought that what would happen if he meets someone else and they have a baby? How horrid I would feel. Then again how will he feel seeing me with a baby if I'm lucky enough?

What if I leave and find out I can't have kids, or don't find anyone? Hurting two people for nothing?

Then there's the practicalities of leaving. We share a house, albeit rented, neither of us can afford it alone. We're both miles away from family. Blah blah blah.

Oh my, so much running around in my head. Not to mention I do love him and know he loves me. He'd do (almost) anything for me, how can I let that go?

Sorry, off on a tangent there.

Because he'd do 'almost anything'. That's why you need to leave. That's all you need to know.

It's always going to be a hard time leaving, but you do sound sure of yourself in what you want. Try breaking it down into more manageable actions, eg start looking for places to rent, go to an estate agent and get them looking for things for you. Accept you may have to downsize or flat share on a tempory basis - you may even find that widens your social circle and enables you to meet someone else. Try to set a timescale for moving out and stick to it and then do things step by step. Can you speak to someone about this in real life? It will help to have that support.

Try and remember, if you don't leave, you'll likely split up anyway because of the resentment. Better to leave on good terms now.

Leave.

He isn't the only man in the world but you only have a short window in which to have a child.

Have a baby. If you want children I am not sure any man is worth giving up the whole children, grandchildren experience for.

Thank you everyone. All taken on board. I do sound sure of what I want don't I? After reading through all comments I do know what I need to do.

"Better to leave on good terms now" has hit a heart string. You're right, very much. I know t may be difficult but I would like to remain friends, we have so much history together. Maybe this would cause too much heartbreak, for both of us.

He's not the only man in the world, very true. Scary world out there though. lol.

I do have two sisters I can talk to, both have children themselves, as well as my parents, all quite far away.
Friends a plenty closer and everyone I spoke to (about 3 people) has said the same as you all.
A couple suggested 'just come off the pill and see what happens.' something I'm not comfortable doing. I respect my BF's choice and don't want to force him into something he doesn't want.

Thanks again. Think the choice is made. Now I need to talk . . . day off together this week maybe a good time.

I do have an issue with getting overemotional and crying so may write down a few of my thoughts to see if that will help me keep it together.

Just had a quick read of your thread. Looks as if your decision has been made (and for the record I would have been in the 'leave' camp). Good luck for the talk and wishing you well on your baby journey x

Hi Dizzyjojo I've not read everyone's posts thoroughly but I wanted to say that I was in a similar position myself a few years ago. I was with a guy who was 20 years older than me, we were together for 8 years and he never wanted children. I've always wanted children and I used think he'd change his mind one day or I'd try to convince myself I didn't want any because of the things I'd no longer be able to do. I was really upset when I ended it but deep down I knew it was the right thing to do. We'd split up the year previous to the final break up and got back together a couple of months later because I missed him so much. But I just knew that final time it was the right thing to do. We remained friends for a while which was good but that gradually fizzled out. I was 29 when we split up. At 33 I met my current partner and a year later we had our DD.

Good luck.

If you come off the pill and trap him into fatherhood there will be no chance of a friendship and you will be a single mother. Much better to part now and have the opportunity of meeting a man you can be with who fully wants what you want.

Good luck. X

Walk away now. No relationship is worth this if it's what you really want.

I agree that the decision has already been made. You want a baby and he doesn't. If you carry on with him will you look back with massive regret knowing you willingly gave up the chance of being a mother. I think you should move on if he refuses to change his mind.

My friend's husband said exactly this to her and she chose him. His reasons were that they wouldn't be able to do all the stuff they want when they want. Fast forward 17 years of marriage and they are in the process of getting divorced.

One of the biggest factors has been the resentment she feels towards him and she has mourned the children she never had, in the end she couldn't live with it. She has had counselling but has a long way to go.

She regrets more than anything the choice she made then, so based on her experience I would say you need to finish with him as hard as it is now in the long run it will be for the best.

Hi
Thanks everyone. I didn't realise everyone was still posting so have only just noticed the last few comments. Sorry. I wasn't ignoring you.

Thank you for all your advice.

Latest update is, we talked and I told him (yesterday) that I would have to leave. Lots of tears but we both know it's for the best and understand each other's feelings. Very grown up and amicable.

We're doing the practical discussions in a couple of days, once we've got used to the idea. I'm wary of this chat because of past arguments etc but the fact he's been so understanding has given me hope we can do it properly.

Thanks again everyone. I'll keep you all informed. :-)

What is it about his potential behaviour that is making you wary? If you are in any kind of dangerous situation you should have someone with you.

He can be very short tempered and aggressive. Very manipulative. He's not violent physically but has been emotionally abusive.

His attitude has mellowed a lot (hugely) over the last few years and because he's been so calm about it all I do have a little faith he'll be ok with me. Obviously the worry/wariness is still there. I do have an escape route and places to go so I have that security and I know he'll not physically hurt me.

I'm quite weak when it comes to seeing him upset too so that'll be tough if he cries or anything.

You need to toughen up. He is abusive and you have allowed him to be for years. Time to stop letting him steal from your life, do not let him steal your future or your chance to be a mother any more. And he probably will cry. It is another tool men like him use to control "their women."

You have only one shot of happiness, it may hurt to leave him but it will destroy you if you don't move on and look for someone else that wants a baby,

We argued this afternoon. Me being stupid really. Trying to hold on.

Yep, I need to toughen up. Going to my parent's for xmas will sort that out! (I'm joking lol)

Having an 'up' moment and feeling ok, will hold onto these moments.

Thanks again everyone. x

Stop doing yourself down or everyone else will as well.

This man is not worth no children in your future.