i am officially a crazed 'trying' woman

[pesme]

and i hate it. we have been 'trying' (horrid expression) over a year and i am trying so hard not to mind when other woman get pregnant and have been making a good fist of it. last night i got am email from friend i met when i had dd and she is pregnant which means just about everyone i met when i had dd has had or is about to have a baby and i am not coping. i am pleased for her but just feel v. upset.

Pesme, you have my sympathies. There are so many ladies on here who have been trying for that long and longer each with their own stories, some poignant, some extremely sad. I think most long term ttc-ers understand the frustration of failing to conceive when others around you fall pregnant just by looking at a man. I was trying for a year, had a m/c and was giving up as I thought I'd stopped ovulating. Lo and behold, giving up did the trick and I am currently nearly 7wks pg. It's such awful advice saying 'OI YOU RELAX AND IT'LL HAPPEN', it's like saying 'don't think about a pink elephant'- completely impossible.

FWIW, my GP said that the British have ttc all wrong when they worry after a year (he's from NZ). He said that it's perfectly normal to take up to two years and usually not worth worrying about. I know that doesn't help you much right now, but I think he's right. It's frustrating that we worry so much about preventing it happening for years and it seems nigh on impossible to achieve when you actually start trying.

Anyway, I ramble. Good luck to you, sorry you feel so down about it all. I've been there.

thanks soh. 2 years! i hate the fact that the gap is going getting so big for dd. and i am not getting any younger. we did take this last month off and trying to relax about the whole thing but just hearing from my friend last night tipped me over the edge.

I don't have any children yet but know how you feel my friend has just told me that she is now officially starting to try and said 'let the race commence' she know i am having problems and have been trying for 14 months now how insensitive can you be

what b*tch. but i dont think people realise what it is like. i am continually being asked when i am going tohave the next one and being berated for leaving it so long.

People just don't think do they.

pesme, it took DH and I two years and clomid for me to get pregnant for the second time. I know exactly what you mean about friends having babies. Your heart drops and even though you say 'oh I am so pleased' etc, inside you are sad and envious.
When people asked me if I was going to have any more I would say - I can't - I am too old, my uterus has shrivelled and my eggs have dried up.
Wishing you lots of luck. Have you had any tests done yet?

Pesme - my advice is the same as SoH's. I felt like I left starting to try after DS2 too long - we only started after he had turned 2, and I am also definitely in the "not getting any younger" camp. One year and 2 mc's later (both unexplained according to the medics) DH and I agreed that enough was enough, we had 2 wonderful children etc. etc. Stopped writing down the date of my period (only way I remember it at all!) starting getting into my life and my running again, and the following month was actually rather ambivalent to discover I was pregnant!

I'm now coming up to 12 weeks and getting used to the idea.

I know it must be so hard to try to stop worrying about it - eg. "Don't think of a pink elephant". Maybe try to replace it with another "obsession" - mine was running and I was going to be the fittest I had ever been etc... then bingo.....!

Gingerbear - when I was TTC first time I told people that asked that I was barren & my ovaries had shrivelled up. I found it easier to deal with out in the open esp as I had a very fertile bunch of friends.

Funnily enough, when dd was 16 months DH & I had a long chat about whether we really wanted another & how it would be fine if she was an only child & that we'd stop actively TTC. No prizes for guessing what happened next?

I think these feelings are totaly normal and I think that someone who hasn't had to try can't possibly understand what it's like to go month after month and not fall pregnant. We ttc for 13 months for our ds, in fact had decided to give up trying altogether and just tell the family that it wasn't going to happen when i fell pg. But looking back I actually wouldn't have wanted it to be any different, the moment I held my ds in my arms I knew that he was the baby that I was meant to have. If I had fallen pregnant sooner then it wouldn't have been my wonderful ds, of course it would have been a different baby, but i believe strongly that things happen for a reason and that that was the baby I was meant to have. Your baby is most likely in there, but maybe just not ready to be made yet, have you saught medical advice to see if there are any problems with either of you?

I agree with previous posters who have said that it is best to relax and try to forget about it. Reality is, it won't happen any quicker if you think about it than if you don't. As long as you have a good relationship with your dh and you have regular intercourse, you will fall pregnant when it is meant to happen, provided neither of you have any problems that are preventing that from happening.

I do also think that trying for a second baby can sometimes be more difficult, as if you've already got a child people can't comprehend that you might have problems conceiving again. We've been ttc for nearly 18 months now, but my dh has been diagnosed with a low sperm count and therefore I know that it's unlikely I will have another baby and have stopped thinking about it now tbh, but my family can't quite grasp that, and even though I've told them it can't happen they don't seem to understand.

Hi- I agree with all the posts on here. People who haven't had it hard-can't poss understand but they could try!!

My friend all have kids and are understanding but people I come into contact with via work are often soooo rude "oh- don't you want any then?"
How personal, how rude.

They don't know mw and would not be happy to hear - "yes but it takes me 10 months to get pg then I can't grow them so I have a mc!!"

I would say from my own personal experience that I believe stress messes up my cycle - the reason I know this is because my periods have actually stopped in times of hightened stress- but telling someone to relax is like asking you to stop breathing for a day- all you can do is your best and get the help you need. Even then it's not like i thought it would be when i was young...pg after a month- kids when i wanted. There are so many of us out there.

Hi- I agree with all the posts on here. People who haven't had it hard-can't poss understand but they could try!!

My friend all have kids and are understanding but people I come into contact with via work are often soooo rude "oh- don't you want any then?"
How personal, how rude.

They don't know mw and would not be happy to hear - "yes but it takes me 10 months to get pg then I can't grow them so I have a mc!!"

I would say from my own personal experience that I believe stress messes up my cycle - the reason I know this is because my periods have actually stopped in times of hightened stress- but telling someone to relax is like asking you to stop breathing for a day- all you can do is your best and get the help you need. Even then it's not like i thought it would be when i was young...pg after a month- kids when i wanted. There are so many of us out there.

thank you everyone for your kind posts. i was feeling v. low at work today and couldn't exactly 'share' how i was feeling.

Pesme, sometimes things are suprising how they turn out, take heart. I conceived my dd in the first month of "trying" (hate that word too)- oh the irony! When came the time to go for a sibling, dp and I were confident of a result but no. I can so relate to your feelings about the age gap getting bigger, I used to worry my dd was lonely and make myself so sad. I am one of six and couldn't handle her only-ness. We went for all the tests and no reason could be found. As time went on I grieved for the little family that I had imagined. In the end, after six years, we began to accept that our daughter was our only child and that was that. Then, it happened! My baby son is 3 months old now and my daughter 10 next month. She adores him, helps out and mothers him, and pregnancy and those first weeks were so much easier for having a more independant older child. Its so lovely having my big girl heading for her teens AND everything to look forward to again with a new little person. And by the way my daughter says she never wanted a sibling when she was younger! Sometimes things work out for the best in the end and you don't know why things are happening as they are. The age gap may end up to be just as it's meant to be. Believe me I know how heartbreaking it is and I hope it happens much quicker for you but things will end up as they're meant to!

By the way there was something that I think helped me, I've put it in a new thread titled "success after 6 yrs having tried this!"