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Worried about work....

12 replies

Skiptonlass · 17/09/2014 18:59

I know this is getting a bit ahead of myself, as I'm not even pregnant yet....

But how do you all plan on dealing with work when pregnant/ when and if kids appear? I have a really demanding job. I'm responsible for about 18 time zones out of 24 and I regularly work 65plus hours a week.

I'm an older first timer (mid late thirties) and I'm really worried that they'll just fire me if I can't keep my current work rate up :(

OP posts:
Puppydogstails1 · 17/09/2014 21:25

It is a juggling act but there are lots of childcare options out there. I am an older mum who is trying for no.4 after a bit of a gap - had my first at 29 and continued work full time for 2 years then decided to stop for a bit to have 2 and 3. Just got back full time last year after many years of stay at home then part time using a nanny share/nursery and childminding friend. Now I'm back at work and all my boys are at school it continues to be a challenge BUT I love my career and it allows me to send them to a great school.

NotADaffodil · 17/09/2014 21:35

Hi Skiptonlass

I'm in the same position as you, mid thirties, demanding job, not pregnant yet but already worrying about the work/baby balance!

I love my job but it is demanding; I travel a lot for work and 12-14 hour days are more common than I would like! All kinds of worries run through my head; what if I have a terrible pregnancy and have to take time off sick, will I be looked down on if I don't carry on putting in the hours I am now, will my job be given away to someone else ...

There was another thread called Hormone/career tussle which is worth a read (I don't know how to link, sorry!). One comment got me thinking;

You'll never wish you spent more time in the office once you have children

Reading this made something in my head switch and I realised In ten years time I'm not going to look back and think 'I wish I'd spent more time at work' but I know if I don't have children I'll regret it.

I feel a whole lot more relaxed about it now, I'm just thinking sod it, what happens, happens. I don't know how i'll balance everything but I'm sure I'll cross that bridge when I come to it

Sometimes I think I put too much pressure on myself, It's so reassuring to know other women feel the same as I do!

Beansprout30 · 17/09/2014 22:07

I don't have such a demanding job as a couple of you girls do by the sounds of it, but I've had similar concerns. Ive got to a point now where I think as long as dh and I can pay the bills, im not going to stress about work. What will be, will be and im sure things will work themselves out.

Also there is a lot of legal protection for pregnant women and any decent company will not want to risk discriminating against a worker because she is pregnant or a new mother

Skiptonlass · 22/09/2014 14:01

I know there's a lot of legal protection, so I'm not too worried about any overt "ah, pregnant eh? Here's your p45" sort of action, but I've seen an awful lot of people be shuffled out when they become mothers (note. Not parents...never happens to dads...)
I was off work badly injured for a week earlier this year - the first time I've had more than one sick day in a year for many years, and the fuss my company made was incredible. I had hospital admissions forms to prove Id been hurt and for weeks after I've been getting snide 'while you were out' remarks. Let me just clarify that I was injured enough to require hospital treatment and I could have been killed.
I've also just had a colleague sacked for requesting flexible working , which I didn't think was legal.
I'm really worried about this. I see colleagues ( I work for a U.S. company, but not in the USA) come back to a sixty hour week a few weeks after giving birth....

OP posts:
Undecided2014 · 22/09/2014 20:00

Hi Skiptonlass

I absolutely relate, I'm 30 and trying to work out whether it's worth taking the career setbacks now or later. I work in the 3rd sector so in theory should have all the benefits of a less aggressive and corporate environment but my boss complains regularly about maternity leave and the hours that mums in our office do. I got married last year and have only just managed to shake off the assumption that I'll be stepping back for family life soon.

There's an on-going tug of war in my head but these are the questions that are helping me:

  • Will your partner take his share of things? My mum was a career woman of the shoulder pad generation and said the only reason she managed was because of my dad's attitude.
  • what external help can you get? I know my SIL decided that it was better to go back full time and pay for all the help in terms of cleaning, childcare etc rather than working part-time and trying to do it all herself.
  • How are other women in your office managing it? I look at my colleagues and they don't really help the reputation of mums - going from working long hours to the minimum. I'm hoping to find a happy medium, with my partner's support, will help.

And finally, I'm assuming that once the hormones have kicked in, we'll care less.

Skiptonlass · 22/09/2014 20:21

Hi undecided,

My other half is great and is super supportive, he also has a similar career, however, so alas no house hubby ;)

We could get a cleaner in, I guess, although I just don't like the thought of someone else being in the house...
Other women in my office sound like yours- they are either running themselves ragged or have checked out completely...

Surely there's a middle way??

And as for having a kid at the right time? There's never a right time :) just go for it...

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jellypi3 · 23/09/2014 08:57

This is a common tussle my DP and I are going through at the moment. We are both still quite young (24) but both have reasonably good jobs in the city, with great career prospects. He has just had a promotion and pay boost and I am hoping for similar next year.

However, when we consider what would be best for our family, we have decided that providing we afford it, one of us (most likely me) would give up work to raise the children. I am of the opinion that I don't want a stranger (or even another family member) raising my children. I will be sad to give up my career, but at the same time we both want children, and for me family is more important than a career, which I can realistically return to after any children I have start going to school.

I just see so many senior women in my company having children and then rushing to return to work, and they always look so down and stressed. I personally would never want that lifestyle for myself or my kids, even if it means sacrificing something in my life in order to afford giving up work.

Undecided2014 · 24/09/2014 02:26

I think these are two quite different debates actually. The choice to give up work is a very personal one and I wouldn't criticise any woman who does, but that's not an option I would personally consider.

Skipton Lass - yes i think there is a middle ground, after all my mum and many of her generation managed it, but it does slightly depend on the sector. Sometimes you do have to step sideways to make it work and inevitably you lose a couple of years on your peers. If only equality at work had got to the stage where you could have an open discussion at work about these issues. Maybe our daughters' generation will......

ToriB34 · 24/09/2014 05:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

upyourninja · 25/09/2014 13:58

Glad to join a thread to talk about these things. skiptonlass, there's no clear answer here. You may feel very differently when dc arrive; you may decide to find another job or career path, or may not even want to go back to work. You just can't know and it will have a lot to do with how hard you find the first year (my DD didn't sleep through the night until she was two...)

For my part, I have a 2.5 year old. I've been putting off TTC#2, not least because I am aiming for a promotion to director which I had expected to have last year, but due to some major changes in the company didn't happen. I have a demanding job which I used to be able to stay late to finish if necessary but now of course I have to deal with childcare pick ups. I also travel overseas every 3 months and the trips require a lot of work, so it's an endless cycle of preparation then follow up. And unfortunately my DH is military and away A LOT, unpredictably, ranging from one night to several weeks on not much notice. So I am definitely the default childcare person if DD is ill or it is holidays (he has 4 years left and anyway is paid much more than me, though my pay is being addressed which is another thing to stick around for).

I also work for an American company but in the UK. Usually people are back after mat leave within 3 months, or not at all. I took 12 months (and my word I needed to - I was completely sleep deprived and struggling; around 10 months old was the worst). Plus when I went back I had to travel and was still feeding DD so I had to pump, which never really worked for me, and I was in complete pain for 4 days on the first away trip). No one had ever taken mat leave from the European office before.

All I could do was work my socks off to continue my work after my mat leave and keep pushing through improvements and initiatives. I'm very fortunate that my company is generally supportive (poor pay but decent benefits and flexible working) but they also know that I get back on email in the evenings after I've gone home and I work a lot of extra days for the trips.

I started out working 3 days a week and am now on four but one is from home (DD in childcare some of the day). To be honest, my company and I just proceeded on the assumption that it WOULD work and made it happen. It is very, very different in a hostile environment and frankly I couldn't hack it if I were being criticised, all the while knowing how hard I work all day and evenings, compared to some people who are much less efficient despite being physically in the office for longer hours.

A friend of mine worked a high pressure job at Bloomberg; she worked really hard to make it work but even 12 hour days weren't enough. In the end she left and has set up her own business as a professional coach. It seems to be going really well.

In any case, I am dithering completely about TTC. I have some major trips planned for next year which just wouldn't be an option. I find childcare/pre-school/school difficult enough to manage with one child, never mind two. And at the moment my husband has to take annual leave to be in the country when I am out of the country, so we hardly see each other and it is taking an incredible toll on our toddler to see her parents disappear off all the time.

We've sort of decided to start trying in December though. Eek.

Skiptonlass · 27/09/2014 12:33

Hope you get your promotion! It's interesting and really helpful to hear other people's experiences. I know I'm one of those people who worries endlessly about things before they happen and then deals with things ok when they do...

I hope it'll be ok... Hope you get a quick positive when you start trying!

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upyourninja · 27/09/2014 14:39

Thank you. Though I will be pretty terrified if it does happen quickly! DD will be at least 3.5 at this rate so I feel it's time.

Try not to worry though. Unexpected things happen and they could easily be beneficial in the long run. And your priorities definitely change!

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