FFS... Please oblige me a rant

[Milknosugar33]

Here I am, 21 months into ttc #1, 33.5 yrs old, one month after a lap and AF in full flow. Trying to be positive, started Pilates, have my affirmation cards by my bed - 'it WILL happen' etc, exercising lightly and taking all the right vitamins etc etc etc

And today, on the day I get my gynae appt to talk about self-funding IVF, I find out a guy I know who had testicular cancer in his 20s is having a baby with his new wife, eight weeks after they married. A true honeymoon baby!

And a HUGE part of me is thrilled for him, and for her. They deserve good things to happen to them more than most. I am truly happy for him and my instant reaction was 'that's wonderful news'...

...BUT then there was a part of me I couldn't stop from thinking 'EVEN he can do it!' and I've stomped home in a mood.

I'm pretty sure makes me a bad person and I don't like myself for thinking it so now I'm feeling double sh*tty.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Hey there, I know hat you mean, 2 other girls I work with are pregnant, and here's me trying to be happy but I'm really jealous about it. Auntie flow due tomorrow, so always already in my bag in preparation - keep at it - stay positive!!! I've decided not to use ovulation calculator next month, I'm just going to go with the flow. I am already driving my partner insane I'm worried he'll run a mile!!!! He already has 2 kids, a pregnant stepdaughter and a grandson so part if me thinks he won't actually be that gutted if it doesn't happen x

It doesn't make you a bad person, don't beat yourself up about it. I think anyone that struggles with fertility has this reaction to others falling pregnant, no matter what their circumstances. Even though you feel happy for them it can be hard to hear, that's normal. It's good to have an outlet, like coming on here to rant, so rant away
I hope your appointment goes well.

Milknosugar33 Argghh :( Nothing wrong with feeling frustrated.

Had months of trying to smile whilst other people were posting scan pictures on FB. Worst still, finding out not very nice people having babies and thinking why are good things happening to them?!

But then again, when people are trying to conceive and fail, they very rarely talk about it. So I tried to remember that there may be back stories, MC and other fertility issues that they hadn't made public or discussed.

And regardless of what the nice guy who had cancer is able to do, he's not you and your husband. At some point I think, it's better to just focus on yourself and your partner.

After months of trying to be good, thinking about ovulation times - looking into temping, charting etc, I spoke to my DH and just said this is madness and no longer fun. I closed my eyes to anyone else's wonderful stories, deactivated my FB and just concentrated on us. And TBH, we just had a few months of DTD every day, having fun, enjoying each other and forgetting about conception sex.

Which now looking back, I appreciate as we finally got a BFP after TTC for over a year on/off - and quite frankly barf at the thought of more DTD!

TBH, until you get your BFP - any 'OMG, you got you're BFP' is likely to be attached with a 'That's great, but f**k you" or "Why not me" statement, so you might as well find some humour in it :)

Yes, I too hope your appointment goes well . Ii can't imagine how you're feeling but I am only on month 3 of trying to conceive and already like a woman possessed. Wishing you all the luck in the world and for a brfp result very soon x