Hormone/ career tussle

[Undecided2014]

Hi,

I'd be interested to hear from anybody going through/ who has gone through the same tussle.

I'm 30 and have been married 1 year. My DH is consistently broody and is keen to start TTC but my emotions go up and down as I sometimes feel overwhelmingly broody, and at other times very focused on my job and trying to delay. I travel a lot with work so I could not (and would not want) to do my job in the same way once we have kids.

My main struggle is that although my DH is patient and wants to wait till I'm ready, it's not very fair on him as I swing from intense broodiness (and talking to him about it) to running from the idea of starting TTC.

Any words of wisdom for me?

My honest advice? Go for it, there's nothing like being a parent, life's too short and you never know what's round the corner.

Where do you see yourself in a year? Three years? Five years?

I ask because this was my debate about a year ago- when to ttc because it would mean a big change of lifestyle for us, and career impact for me. Partially as my DH is in the military, and thus much of the childcare etc will fall to me due to the nature of his job/deployments etc.

When I thought about where I wanted to be in a year or so, or three years, and where we wanted to be as a family, I I realised it involved children in the near future and actually, I was ready to let my priorities change for a few years with regard to my career. (I get annoyed that this is what becoming a mother often means for your career, but it is the reality and thus part of my considerations.) I realised I would regret not having children soon, and that was a huge pull for me.

DH has been keen to ttc for two years or so, it was me putting it off. We decided not to speak about it until after the summer (2013). In that time, I realised it was time to start ttc for me. I am now 31 weeks pregnant and DC1 is due in early Nov. I am 29 and will be 30 shortly after the baby is born.

I don't know if this waffle will help, but I guess is what I am trying to say, when do you see children in your day to day life? How many children do you want, and what age gap would you ideally like between them if more than one? That was all part of my consideration because we want 2 or 3 children, with about 2/3 years between them. When I thought of time added in should it take a while to conceive (it took us 6 months of active ttc, and 9 months off the pill for me to fall pregnant), and that I didn't want to be pregnant beyond the age of about 37/38 (just personal preference, lots of people manage this with no problems), I realised now was the right time.

I hope that vaguely helps!

Thanks barmybunting, yes that it is helpful and mostly reassuring that others have/had a far more broody husband!

Hi undecided,

I have no words of wisdom but feel the same way as you!

DH (and I) are both very broody and hoping to start trying later this year, I'm really excited but scared too!

On one hand we both feel ready, our relationship is secure and it's what we both want. I'm 35 and suffer from PCOS and Endo, I worry it might not be that easy for me to fall pregnant and so should start trying as soon as possible.

On the other hand I worry about the impact it'll have on my career, I love my job and my team is growing too so I want to be around for that. My job is demanding, most weeks i'm doing 55+ hours and like you I travel a lot for work. I worry that if I'm off for any length of time I'll miss out on so much/my progression will stop/my maternity replacement will be better than me! Those kind of hours certainly can't continue if we have a little one but I worry that if I don't do them I will be thought less of as a result. The thought of juggling a career and sleepless nights makes me wonder how I would cope too.

Like barmybunting says I find it really annoying that being a mum can mean you have to shift your priorities away from your career. However, I don't want to look back on ten years time and realise I missed I missed the opportunity of having a family of my own.

Go for it. Might take you 4 years of trying. Like me. You'll never wish you spent more time in the office once you have children

Hello Undecided :)

I feel your agony. my DP was exactly the same a year ago. He really wants a family, and although we are quite young (both 24) he wanted to start soon. I was undecided because I had just started my career in London and wanted to focus on that.

But then I looked at a lot of the high powered/senior women in my company who left having children late because of their career, and a lot of them look miserable. They don't spend much time at home, they always look tired, and there is so much pressure on them to come back to work after having a baby, I thought I certainly don't want that. The more I thought about it the more I realised starting earlier suited us, we have a house, we aren't party animals or want to travel, and it would make him happy and me happy. So we have started trying, because it could take years (or never happen).

I say go for it

Definitely go for it. DH and I put off TTC for years as we weren't sure we wanted children (although on reflection we were both just a bit scared of them, ha ha!). I have a high level professional job and wondered how things would work after my maternity leave and DH travels a fair bit for work.

We tried for 18 months and then did IVF and were lucky enough to be successful and I had DD 20 months ago. I wish I had done it sooner. I had no experience of babies before she came along but it's amazing. Yes, it's hard, the sleeplessness is hard, dealing with DH being away when I first went back to work and having to deal with childcare juggling both ends of the day and fitting back into work was hard but 8 months in, things seem to have found a balance (although I am lucky enough to only work part time now).

We're TTC No. 2 now as I'm coming up for 37 in the new year. Wish I'd started earlier!

P.s. I was just 30 when we got married and knew I was making Partner later that year hence concentrating on my career. We didn't start trying until I was nearly 34 and DD was born just before my 35th birthday. If I'd known what it was going to be like having her, I'd have definitely had her earlier. I was a big drinker and liked going out lots and on nice holidays and didn't really want to change my lifestyle as well as progress at work. It turns out that I love being at home too, which surprised me a bit! I loved every minute of my year off work.

I'd like to put the opposite side to what others have written so far. I think there is a lot to be said for getting as senior as you can at work before having a baby, especially if you like you work and intend on working in some way after a baby. If you think you can be promoted within the next couple years, you'll be earning more on maternity leave (so can take longer maternity leave), you'll have a salary that will make a meaningful contribution to your family finances (gives you more choice re flexible/past time working). You'll also avoid getting trapped at a more junior level than you should be at at work, as trust me, your motivation to climb the ladder will reduce for a while once you have kids. Yes it can be hard to get pregnant but I look at myself and everyone around me having kids between 35 and 40, some easily some taking a bit more time ( took me 8 months aged 35), but it can be done. I'm glad I enjoyed climbing the ladder in my early thirties. Having a baby is great but you shouldn't be scared into doing it earlier than you really want to by the infertility thing. Statistically you are highly likely to get pregnant within a year of trying between your age now and your late 30s. So pick the age your like to be a mum and start trying 18/20 months before then!

Thanks ladies, lots of food for thought and it's useful to get both points of view. Not feeling much clearer but I guess getting informed is all part of the decision process :-)

Having been chatting to a friend yesterday. She out it off until 36 due to her career, fell pregnant quickly but suffered a mc, now she's trying again and it isn't happening. She said she hasn't left it so late as they'd like two children ideally but the clock is ticking

*she said she wishes

Hello
Jellypi3 we are in the same situation (i'm 23 and DH is 24), we really want to start our family and although I have only spent 2 years doing a job that I love, everytime I see other colleagues who are older who are trying to have a baby or who do, they struggle to have a family and work, whereas another colleague who is a couple years older finds having her baby at our level easier.

OP go for it!

I relate in every way. The reason we are TTC now is that we always said we would when I was 32 - a nice compromise between what me and my broody DH wanted plus it's young enough not to stress too much if it takes a while. But actually coming off the pill is one of the toughest things I've had to come to peace with - I love my life; the independence, selfishness and wealth that come from being child free are going to be tough for me to give up. I love my career, am doing really well and don't know how I'll feel about the long hours and travel when babies come along (my husband works crazy hours so he's not going to be much help!). But can I imagine being the only child free couple in 5 years (current rate of friends announcing pregnancies is around 1 every 6-8 weeks!), no. Can I imagine I'll feel more ready in 2,3,4 years from now, no. And almost everyone I know that has had them has said they wished they'd started earlier which says something, right! Good luck!

Thanks for all your comments. It's so tough not being to talk about this kind of decision openly so it's been really helpful to hear from you all.

We came to the decision that I would come off the pill, but still use protection, and give my cycle time to settle down before starting TTC. So a small step, but a start. We're both feeling a bit calmer about things as a result :-)