upset & gutted

[1moretime]

Hi.
I have posted on here a few times lately regarding ttc.
For those who dont know me...i am 29 i have a ds age 5 & a dss age 13.
Me & hubby met nearly 10 years ago & his ds was only 3. I was 19 & dh was 28 at the time. Yes 9years between us.
Anyhow we married in 2007. Before we got married though we discussed children & he told me because he had been hurt in the past & left with his ds when he was a baby, he didnt want to go through it all again & didnt want anymore kids!!
I was distraught, & lost count how many nights i sat up crying trying to get my head around never being a mammy. Ok so dss is like a son to me, but its not the same. Hope you understand??

Ok so i had to speak up as i couldnt go into a marriage knowing i would never had kids. We had a good talk & he told me he was scared his ex had suffered postnatal dep & then cheated on him with his best friend!!
After a good talk he said he never meant never & said ov course we would have kids.

On our 1st wedding anniversary i came off the pill & we decided to ttc...i suffered a mc but then concieved 3 months later. I was over the moon...ds has made me so happy & i love being a mammy. I love my 2 boys.

I developed pcos after having ds & have been on metformin for 18months now...we havent been using any contraception.
Last month i was posting on here and had high temps which stayed elevated up to 16dpo. I had pg symptoms. I had a very very faint line on a hcg test but then started bleeding..tested few days later & bfn. I dont know if it was a evap line, a false positive, chem preg or if i was preg but had a early mc which ever it was i have been so down the past few weeks, plus me & dh have not been getting on well which hasnt helped. After this though it has made me realise how much i really want another dc.

After discussing with dh he says that perhaps another dc isnt the best idea.... and says we have 2 & thats enough. He seems pretty adament. He has expressed his reasons & i know he is talking sense...money, we both work but we are not well off. We manage to live with a little money to spare & we would struggle but everyone else seems to get by.
He also says his age bothers him...hes now 38.
I know we have 2 dc but i only have 1 of my own. Am i being selfish?
Because of age gap between our 2 boys..they dont play together & i dont want ds to grow up on his own...if you know what i mean.
I am so down & hurt at the min. I have tried talking & we have had a heart to heart...and i know dh is talking sense & doesnt want us to struggle but i really want another baby.
I keep saying to myself "what is more important, dh & boys i have, or another child"?
Dh is afraid he may lose me. I really dont know what i feel at the min.

So sorry for long post..needed to let it out. X

I think it would be fair to say you have 2 boys, sounds to me like to DSS you are the only mother he has ever known, is that correct? I really think it is unfair to say you want another because only one is your own, surely you want another because you simply want another and you are justifying it in a way that could really hurt someone. That being the DSS if he ever comes across this thread. I don't suppose that argument goes down well with your DH either. (slightly over-sensitive on that one as my dad took on me as a 2 year old and walked me down the aisle last year as the only father I have ever known or will ever consider my dad)

My point ofc is that wanting another child and having two already doesn't make you selfish in any way - I have always wanted 3 children although am probably going to have to accept that isn't on the cards for me. I personally think the worse thing you can do is try to justify the maternal instinct of wanting another child, people do it all the time and lie to themselves and others about the reasons they want that child. You need to have the honest conversation with your husband.

That being said, you really do have to consider your husband's feelings too. I have to accept that my DH only wants 2 children and when he logically explains the reasons why I can't fault him. We live in a 2 bed rented house. Earn too much to get any state help but not enough to save anything substantial to buy a place big enough (in the SE where we live) for a 5 person family. I have to accept his arguments have merit and until the day I can put forward a counter argument to say we can do it I have to accept the reality and not be ruled by my emotions.

Good luck coming to a decision together.

Sorry if i havent explained myself properly. We have joint access to dss..every week we have him 3 nights / 4days...always been the same since me & dh met.

He lives between here & his mum & step fathers.

No of course i dont only want another dc because only 1 is my own. I am very grateful to have our 2 boys & love my dss as much as i love our ds.
I just cant help how much i long to have another dc.
Thanks for your advice & help. X

I can't give you any advice, but I kind of know what you are feeling from what you have posted here.

I only a 6 year old DD and we tried for a 2nd child when she was still a baby, we have tried almost everything in the book to get me pregnant and apart from a chemical, here I am 5 years later still waiting.

It's so heartbreaking, as I want another so much, but I'm not getting any younger so time may be running out for me, and like the other poster on this thread I have also wanted 3 kids and it looks like that's unlikely for me too, so I am grateful for the 1 child I have and hope to have another but one day may have to accept what cards are laid out to me also.

When I had my chemical, which is essentially either a very early MC or the egg got fertilized but didn't implant from what I've been told, I remember being a week late for my period, I took a hcg test which showed a very faint positive and had preg symptoms, the next day I started bleeding and took another test with was negative, I would have been 5 weeks pregnant :( My world came crashing down, I can relate to that horrible feeling of being excited and then the feeling being literally taken away. I was surprised at how emotional I was and how long it took me to return to normal.

You are both still feeling possibly quite raw or confused from your possible chemical which is what it sounds like you had as you say that you saw a very faint positive alongside high temps and symptoms. You both need time to recover, rest, deal with the feelings that come up, how long it depends on the both of you as everyone is different, there is no time limit, it took me quite a few months to deal with.

I would say that it would probably be best to take it easy and take the focus off having another child for a little while, and then when you are ready, have a honest heart to heart together again and go from there.

Thank you mummytoalittleactress
Yes i was so excited to see the faint line on the hcg even if it was very very faint...but then when the bleeding started i felt like the world had come crashing down.

The thing that is hard for me is that i have pcos & went through an awful time thinking i may never concieve again. Some blood results back last year showed i wasnt ov. Dh has been great throughout & said whats meant to be will be.
I started temping & looking closely at my cm & it showed i did ov last cycle...thanks to the increase in metformin. I just dont understand why now he has decided to not want any more dc....esp as we are 1 step closer.

Im really sorry about your chem preg hun...and that it still hasnt happend for your dc2 yet. I really hope you get a sticky egg real soon. Xx

I don't think you are being selfish, I have always wanted two children (of my own sorry but that's just how it is). I want two babies which have my DNA in them, I don't think that's too much to ask. Now if for reasons down to biology I am unable to make that happen, fine that's just life. But If my DH suddenly decided that he didn't want to try for the second after already starting TTC that would be a big issue for me.

It doesn't matter what the reason would be, since after all we can't be sure we will all be in the same financial situations in years to come you just make do. The point is, will you be able to accept this and not look back and regret that fact that your DH made this choice for you?

There is something to be said for compromise on both parts, but just saying no isn't really doing that. Perhaps you could just relax with the TTC and just see what happens rather than actively watching for signs or charting.