A sad little hello

[MrsH2610]

Hello everyone,
I’ve been lurking around the boards for a while but today is the day I actually took the plunge and joined up.
So, my husband and I have been TTC since November 2013. I know it’s only month 9 but for some reason today it feels like the end of the world that I’m not pregnant yet.
I don’t really understand why it’s not happening and why I’m so upset today in particular, but that’s how I’m feeling right now. I feel like a small bit of my heart gets broken every month and the small cracks have formed into one big crack that I can’t just keep ignoring anymore.
The creeping doubts are setting in…
What if there is something wrong with me/him?
What if I’m too old (I’m 33) and have left it too late?
What if I’m too fat / stressed / drank too much gin in my 20’s
What if it’s a symptom of depression?
What if it takes 2 or more years and I feel like this every month from now on and can’t cope?
What if it never happens…

I love my husband very much and feel like I am letting him down whenever the red witch arrives on her broomstick. I also feel angry with myself for feeling that way!

Most months I am absolutely fine, but there are those odd months that you get really bad PMS or a really inconveniently timed stomach upset that makes you think “maybe…” even though you have been chanting “don’t get your hopes up!” to yourself like a mantra.

Ugh! I feel crazy. I also feel a mixture of hopeful and sad. I wish in a way that I felt comfortable saying this to someone in real life, but I guess I just feel a bit self-indulgent to go on about grieving for the loss of babies that never existed in the first place. But I did need to say it.

So, I’m sorry to introduce myself with a big rant – I promise I’ll cheer up in a few days when AF finally leaves me in peace. I have loved reading all your stories and advice over the last few months. You have made me feel like I am not alone in the world, so thank you very much.

Best of luck and baby dust to you all.

MrsH
Xxx

Hi MrsH I am having a bad day today too. I am also 33 and my DH and I have been ttc since January (though I wanted to start sooner!) so I am on cycle 7. Have PMS symptoms so fear that I will be onto cycle 8 very soon
I try to keep positive but during the lead up and during AF it is so hard. Most months I have had a new ttc strategy to try (OPKs, temping, a fertility monitor, acupuncture....) which helps though we are running out of options!
Do you know when you ovulate? I worked out that for the first few months of trying we were aiming for the wrong time as I ovulate late in my cycle. It could be something as simple as that.
Don't beat yourself up about it, we all feel this way sometimes. I ask myself the same questions you ask yourself.
Why not hop on a bus? the August bus is full of ladies waiting for a BFP keeping each other company. I am currently holding onto my place on the July bus but it is good to know the August bus is there if I need it. I have been on here a few months and wish I had joined sooner as it does make things easier to share with others going through the same thing.
I hope you feel better

Hi Mrs H.
I can empathise. Me and D.p have been trying since October and no joy as of yet. Confirmed by a visit from A.F yesterday morning.
I don't track for ovulation as OI don't want to drive myself crazy. We do the dtd a often as we can usually wed and fri as we don't live together. It does get you down and there are times when I think it's never going to happen. x

Thank you, ladies! It's really nice not to feel alone / crazy for feeling this way.

I wasn't sure what the whole bus thing was about Aprilray, so I will definitely give that a go. Really hope you get your BFP this month and not the dreaded AF.

Have decided to give conceive plus a go this month along with CB ovulation sticks that we've been using for a few mths.

Getting really annoyed with the 'just relax and don't think about it!' comments from various nosy relatives! It's just not that simple, is it?

Xxx

No, it isn't that simple MrsH but I wish it was!

I'm 33 and also been trying since November 2013. I'm only on Cycle 8 though as I have long cycles being a late ovulator and so have less chances to try. Sucks doesn't it!

Please join us on the July or August bus as you won't feel quite so alone then. I also heartily recommend temping your basal body temperature to see what is on:are you ovulating, when are you ovulating after the LH surge, what's your Luteal Phase exactly etc.I have the past two cycles and learnt so much about what's going on that way.

Keep hoping that you will be successful. Fingers crossed we won't have to wait much longer!

Oh OP, I feel your pain but in my case I genuinely am running out of time with two miscarriages under my belt this year.

What has worked for me (twice) is sex on the evening before ovulation and then the following morning. Sex all around that time too obviously but sex in the evening and then the following morning seems to work particularly well. We are tring it again this cycle as my partner is off work.

Another one people recommend is the SMEP method (google it). Apparently very good results.

Thank you MrsH another endorsement here for temping - it's how I realised I was ovulating late. Good luck, I am sure we will all be on the antenatal threads soon!

Ooh, I really must give temping a go in that case - perhaps it's happening much later than I think? I have been thinking about it but not sure where to start, tbh.

I am really sorry to hear that sebsmummy1, I've had 2 in the dim and distant past (previous relationship) and a chemical pregnancy in March, I'm really scared my time is up or something bad has happened in there that's stopping things.

Hopefully we will all be over on the antenatal threads before we know it, Aprilray!

A few days later and I'm feeling much more cheerful and definitely going to give some of these suggestions a go - just ordered a basal thermometer!

Hope you're all doing ok, thank you so much for cheering me up a few days ago.