Suicidal thoughts (sorry long)

[crashbandicoot]

Hi,

I am writing this as a desparate plea for help as I feel such a failure.

DH and I have been trying for 1 year on and off and I have now reached the end of my tether. I am sick of the whole thing and have been having very dark thoughts - suicide included.

I keep going over my life thinking why did we leave it so late (I'm 34 now) and depending on what you read/believe my fertility is going to fall off a cliff in a few months (statistically speaking) anyway.

My DH and I have wrangled about trying for a child for the last ten years, waiting until we (i.e. mainly he) felt ready. Well I am exhausted with the whole thing. I thought (naively) the hard part would be persauding DH but then the whole world of fertility opened up and quite frankly with a stressful job, stressful relations with my family and probably a mid life crisis going on I just can't cope anymore. I can't cope with the two week wait, telling him when to dtd, checking cm, using opks. I can't cope with how my life 'could' turn out if some miracle befalls me and I stop being the most stressed/suicidal ttc'er on the planet.

I am now on setraline and have a CPN and can't work out how I've failed so dramatically at the first hurdle, when others manage to somehow go on for years and come out saner than me. It probably stems in some way from my traumatic childhood etc and maybe several years of psycotherapy might help but by then I would be too old probably anyway.

I am sorry of this is all so negative but I never knew it would be this hard, and I never knew how fragile my self esteem was until I hit this milestone in my life.

I wish everyone well who is ttc'ing and sorry for the moan but I just needed to air to anyone who would listen.

You poor thing. Please, please stop being so hard on yourself! TTC is incredibly stressful when it doesnt go plain sailing. I am sure others will be along to tell you just that.

And you are doing EVERYTHING right. You waited to TTC until you were in a sensible situation (you started TTC at 33...thats hardly geriatric!). You are addressing the strain it has put on you by seeking help. You sound really self aware and lovely. you are a smart, sensible, good person, please believe that!

How would you feel about starting fertility investigations now, just to get the ball rolling, while continuing to get help for your anxiety/depression? Counselling is a really good thing to do regardless of what stage you are at with starting a family, especially if you have already identified that you have some issues from childhood that may need addressing.

You could then decide to either go ahead, or maybe take 6 months out to review? A lot can change in 6 months. You might benefit from taking the pressure off and just enjoying your relationship, drinking lots of wine and having non-TTC sex etc?

And you know, youre NOT old. All this 'falling off a cliff' stuff is so anxiety inducing and not entirely accurate. Fertility declines as we get older, yes, but at 34 and after just a year of trying (many people with no fertility issues take that long to get pregnant), all is not lost. You may not even have any issues...may just be that it hasnt happened YET.

Do you have any other support in RL? Understanding friends or people who have been through this? Wishing you lots of luck and positive vibes.

Hi, I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad, and even though I can't really offer you any advice on how to become less stressed about it all I just wanted to say you're not alone in feeling like this!! Apart from the suicidal thoughts (which I really hope you're getting help with in RL), a lot of what you write about the 2ww, obsessing about when to dtd etc. and being fed up wit all the 'what if's' rings very true for me.

Hopefully someone else will be along soon to offer some useful advice. x

Hi, I have been ttc for 2 years... feeling frustrated but there is nothing else apart from the obvious that I haven't done yet.Still I am 29 and i feel like I waited too long to stop the pill and now I can only think of crying. I had tests dne all good. Now next step is go back to gp. I sure know how it feels. What have you done so far? Any tests??blood tests?

Therapy doesn't always take as long as you'd think to help. Can you ask your CPN for a referral to a psychologist? And please tell them the thoughts you have been having and a if there is any way they can prioritise your referral to therapy.

You aren't a failure. Ttc when it's hard is stressful and for many people traumatic .

Please access support from someone you know and if there is no one to hand call the Samaritans on 08457 909090.

Thanks everyone for your kind words especially if you are trying yourself - I feel like I don't deserve them for being such a wuss. I know that persevering is probably the best in terms of outcome but really I need my sanity back (if that's possible). I know I will always have a deep longing inside of me but that, I believe, I something I'm going to have to live with.

Strawberry2014 - we have had some basic test and DH sperm came back at the lower end of normal (but still normal) so that was that. Good luck you and well done for keeping going this long.

Best wishes to you guys xx

I really hope you get through this and feel nope positive very soon. Lean on those you can for support. Sending you best wishes x x x x

More not nope!