I just can't deal with this anymore

[ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN]

DP and I started TTC about 5 years ago. It's the saddest, most scary thing I've ever dealt with. I want to sleep. I want to cry. I vividly remember the morning that we decided to have children. I had an orange and raspberry juice, it was my 24th birthday. We were sitting in a Marks and Spencer café. I'm so close to bawling my eyes out. Our last MC'd DC would be a tiny little baby now. I'm falling apart just a little bit.

Oh poor love, What a horrible and upsetting time for you. Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to (if you haven't already and preferably not your DH) as it can be a very lonely experience otherwise.

The fact that you are still going, shows just how strong and brave you are. Have you done something to commemorate your angel? Planting a rose to remember them by, for example.

In addition, the wonderful ladies on this thread will help you too www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2061827-Home-of-the-very-brave-TTC-after-MC-ers-Advice-understanding-and-a-variety-or-food-based-euphemisms-Pull-up-a-pew-ladies

Shadows- it sounds trite but I hope you're ok. You don't have to be strong all of the time. You do, however, sound really brave to me. I would second that you should find someone to talk to and maybe seek out some specialist counselling. I have no experience of mc but I think it must be the most devastating experience and you can't deal with that alone. I'm so sorry for all you've been through. Life is awful sometimes, but you can get through it. Be kind to yourself x

Thanks so much, and apologies for not replying sooner. I've been kept busy for the past couple of days, with my poorly Granda and the bonkers puppy (who, bless him, seems to sense when I'm sad and cuddles in to my lap. He also slobbers all over me ). This probably isn't even the right area in which to post this.

Was out with friends (half of them are pregnant) tonight, and DP is away for work. When I'm home alone is when it hits me.

Kitty, I haven't done that. I'd have to plant 5 roses. It could well help, though. It's a really nice idea that I think would help me. Thank you.

Bearfaced, you are probably right. My GP is so kind and lovely and understanding. He'd refer me for counselling in a heartbeat. I really should ask him to. Thanks for the kind words.

Shadows I just want to give you a big hug. I too have been ttc for 5 years, I can't believe it's been so long. Sometimes I feel like I just want to curl up and die. That sounds so dramatic but it's the most painful experience I've ever had. I'm so sorry to hear about your 5 miscarriages. I have had one miscarriage and that has been the most agonising part of this journey. I can't imagine how I would have dealt with it so many times. I just wanted to say you are not alone x

Thank you NoCupcakes. I'm really sorry that you've had such a shit time of it too. It's really fucking crappy, isn't it? Actually, that doesn't come close to describing it, but I don't think I can find any words that really describe how horrible it ferls. Hugs to you. I've had the wanting to curl up and die feelings too, it's not dramatic at all.

Still, life has to go on, doesn't it? I don't mean that in a flippant way. It just does, though. I try to find joy in other things. Like taking the hound for a long walk on the beach in the rain today with DP. It wad windy and chucking down, we had the whole beach to ourselves, and it was wonderful. I can't manage finding that wonderfulness in life every day, sometimes all the other stuff gets to be too much, but today, it worked.

Shadows I could have written your post - it is such an awful situation to be in, I completely understand where you're coming from! It's like your heart is being ripped to shreds every single day...

I've just had my 4th mc and honestly don't know if I can go on ttc - the losses do not get any easier. But, like you said, you develop coping mechanisms that keep you going in spite of the world falling apart around you.
I find that work is helping me a lot - it gives me something to focus on and to get stuck in. There are lots of tight deadlines in my line of work, which do not allow any faffing about, and I find that this pressure really takes my mind of everything else.
Definitely savour those random moments of peace, where you can actually feel happiness. Very important! Your walk on the beach sounds lovely.

I have done various things to acknowledge my mcs - only to myself, really, it's not something I feel I want to share with anyone. I have planted a beautiful rose in my garden, for example, and one of the charms on my bracelet is for all the babies that I have lost. Things like that can be really helpful.

I am also currently thinking about getting counselling - just because I sometimes feel I am struggling to cope and that it is all getting on top of me.
I'd recommend to have a look on the SANDS website - there is a lot of useful information about pregnancy loss on there. For example, there are memorial services being run all over the country for people who have experienced miscarriages and still births, and I am wondering about maybe going to one at some point. I am not religious, but I don't think that they are only meant for people who are, it is aimed at everyone in our situation.

You are not alone. Have you ever mentioned your mcs to your friends or family? You might be surprised at how many will come back and say 'Yes, it happened to me, too'! I have been amazed at how many people have said this to me. Miscarriage is so so common, but no one talks about it.

Maybe taking a conscious break from it all could help? I had a few months off ttc after my third mc, while we were waiting for test results, and I found that such a relief. It is all-consuming and can take over your life. It might help you and your DP to touch base and figure out what you want to do next.

Sorry for the long post! Wishing you lots of strength for whatever you decide to do next.