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Conception

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Original poster

Is marriage important??

19 replies

Ikkleme · 06/05/2014 17:43

I've been with my partner for nearly 4years, we have a house together and have been trying for 3month for a baby, however his parents keep mentioning that marriage should come first... That's the way it should be done.
Personally i couldn't think of anything worse than a wedding is I hate having a lot of attention.
I like as they have this attitude now will they be annoyed and angry when I do become pregnant... It's so hard as they are lovely people.

OP posts:

weatherall · 06/05/2014 17:46

If he owns the house and you are going to be a sahm then marriage will give you more protection.

You could just go to a reg office?

Inshock73 · 06/05/2014 17:55

Marriage before babies is the traditional way to do it because 'nice' girls were expected to be virgins when they married. These days very few people still hold this belief, some people choose to marry first because they still feel its the right order and others because they want the security of being married first. I think it's personal choice.

expatinscotland · 06/05/2014 17:57

You don't need a wedding to be married. You don't even need rings. Just a license and an appointment and two witnesses.

It does confer very important legal protection far more cheaply than seeing a solicitor.

FragileBrittleStar · 06/05/2014 18:08

My DPs parents are very traditional and did point out that DS was a bastard. However they were still thrilled with DS and are great grandparents - they would rather we had got married but they have never been angry about it

They have expressed concerns about what rights /protection dp has though

dcs27 · 06/05/2014 18:14

as some have mentioned in the group you don't need to have a big wedding a snap private ceremony will be enough. . and personally I think it gives you and your child some security..

Sparrowlegs248 · 06/05/2014 18:19

I'm not a centre of attention person either but we did get married last year after 12 years together and 3 yrs after buying our house.

We got married in a beautiful building with our closest friends and family, then had a pub meal after. It was lovely.

One of the reasons for getting married is that we do want children. Its just my personal preference. Dsis has two children with a man she didn't marry. (since split up) I am sure my catholic mum would have preferred her to be married but actually is just thrilled to have grandchildren. :-)

Original poster

Ikkleme · 06/05/2014 18:52

If I done a small do I don't think she would be happy at that either... If I was to marry it would be just me and my partner on a beach with no one there... That's my idea of heaven! We are practically like a married couple anyway so to me it's just apiece of paper and a name.

OP posts:

Gemerama · 06/05/2014 18:53

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

ShergarAndSpies · 06/05/2014 19:13

Thing is though, it isn't 'just a name', its actually a legally binding contract.

Being married gives you some really important protections if one of you were to die or if you were to split up.

If you were unmarried and he owns the house, he could just chuck you (and DC) out of it.
If you were SAHM and supported him to develop his career, if you split up he has no requirement to recognise the financial sacrifices you have made which will probably impact on you for the rest of your working life.
If he died and you jointly owned a house, you might have to sell it to pay inheritance tax, even if he willed his share to you.
if he died owning the house, it could be left to his parents / someone else who could chuck you and DC out.
if he was seriously ill, you would not necessarily be his next of kin and able to make decisions on his care etc.

There's lots of other bits - a poster on another thread calculated that it would cost about £1700 to replicate the legal protections with a solicitor that you get through being married - and even then, not all of them were possible.

I would truly never have a child without marriage

schlafenfreude · 06/05/2014 19:15

It does make a difference - DP becomes your next of kin, you both have protection should the worst happen and if it will make your families happy and you don't mind then there's a lot to be said for smoothing relations!

schlafenfreude · 06/05/2014 19:15

Gemerama · 06/05/2014 19:17

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

Original poster

Ikkleme · 06/05/2014 19:30

We have all of that sorted, the house is joint mortgage, pensions and life cover go to each other if we died career wise I'm doing better than him lol

OP posts:

ThatsMyOnlyShirt · 06/05/2014 19:38

Agree with all the comments so far. Both our parents weren't married when they had their first baby (DB & DH respectively) but subsequently married. I was 7 months pregnant when we got married & it was for all the reasons stated (security, next of kin etc) not for any idea of tradition. I have to say though it does make a difference knowing that we have legal obligations towards each other. Also our wedding was super small & on the cheap but twas still lovely committing to each other in "public".

LizzyBennet1813 · 06/05/2014 19:48

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years in august. about 2 years ago I brought up the subject of marriage & he was dead against it due to he's parents nasty split. he also said it was a waste of money. we have now been living together for almost 2 years, are currently in the process of buying a house together, we own a dog and are planning on starting a family once we are settled in our new place. I would love to have got married before having kids but I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to marry me. he has recently made a few comments that have led me to believe he's not as against it as he once was but I won't get my hopes up. at the end of the day I love him, we are commuted to one another & having children is more important to me than getting married (although I'd really really love to!) I'm not going to put off children in the hopes he'll one day come round to it as it could be too late by then. do what ever makes you happy :)

ThatsMyOnlyShirt · 06/05/2014 19:55

Hmm I don't think I expressed myself very well in my last post. I chose to get married heavily pregnant because I wanted DP (now DH) to be the one to call the shots should anything go wrong during the birth of DD. I didn't want DP & DM at odds (which I'm sure they wouldn't have been) at a critical time. By being married to cleared up any confusion around next of kin/medical decisions on regarding me and the baby.

Obviously this was worst case scenario planning. We could have waited till after I'd had DD to get married (and a lot of ppl thought we should have). By marrying while pregnant I felt we were creating a family not just having a "wedding", IYSWIM? Like I said above though the public declaration bit and of the wedding was lovely.

kitkatkaty87 · 06/05/2014 20:07

You should do exactly what you want. If you are in a stable and committed relationship that you are happy with then that's the main thing. Don't feel pressured to get married just because of other people's views. Do it if and when you want :) as long as you are happy and together and in a comfortable home your baby won't mind :)

Original poster

Ikkleme · 06/05/2014 20:09

I can understand the full legal side of it all especially next of kin... May have to look into pushing for a little do :-)

OP posts:

Inshock73 · 06/05/2014 20:19

I'm gonna throw another perspective out there....as most of my friends have gone full circle....buying a house, marriage, babies (not necessarily in that order) divorce...most of them now say they wish they'd never got married coz it would've made the splitting up so much easier! Just throwing that out there :)

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