Anyone TTC#1 and has mental health issues? (sorry long)

[crashbandicoot]

Hi,

Does anyone here suffer from mental health issues and want join me??? As personally I think there is a need for this as (being an avid reader of the ttc boards since starting to ttc last year (5/6 months)) I have been struck with how resilient/positive/brave/even humourous people come across, whereas I (in the space of 5/6 months) have almost had a complete meltdown.

I think that ttc has stirred up all my old anxieties/fears/depression etc and I feel that I am finding the process even harder than it needs to be. On top of this I read early on that stress and 'trying' is counterproductive which sent me into a tailspin...

To give some context, my background is as follows:

• Age 34, DH is 50!! (was I looking for a father figure - prob. My dad died 10 years ago)
• Been together 10 years
• I spent past 6 years trying to persuade him to ttc (long story about why he didn't want to. He has no other kids however).
• Previously I have been diagnosed with depression/anxiety/panic disorder/social phobia/PMDD (severe form of PMT)/also symptoms of OCD.
• Was on fluoexetine for 8 years quite successfully but came off to ttc/then went on again cos couldn't cope/then back off has got back side effects

And my normal coping skills are no longer available/working:

• I can't do denial like I would have with something else (e.g. not getting a promotion at work) - i.e. I can't hibernate/stop trying because husband has ED and so there is no chance of 'happy accidents' and so everything has to be 'timed'.
• I can't go out drinking or stuffing my face with chocolate as that is not conducive to ttc
• I can't throw money at it particularly (Got acupuncture and massage for a few weeks but at £40 a go it is expensive)
• Talking therapies don't seem to be helping (I see a mind body therapist and a hypnotherapist)
• Self help books not helping either
• Basically nothing is helping!!

My issues seem to be compulsively going round my head: i.e. have I left too late for a trouble free conception/is there an underlying issue with one or both of us?/why wasn't I more assertive with DH and let him delay me for 6 years (this makes me so angry tbh).

My OCD is also coming out and I am addicted to the internet (searching for IVF success rates/costs at clinics) and projecting doom into the future.

I know that all these actions/thoughts at this stage are 'irrational' but believe that my longstanding mental health issues are really at the heart of the issue and that I would love to be able to 'pull my socks up' and be more positive!!

Anyway, enough of the personal backstory/rant...

I just really wanted to know that I'm not alone and that others with MH issues are out there and can empathise/or that we could support one another without being flamed for being negative/irrational??

Hi again everyone,
Had a horrible night last night. I was being crazy worrying that my spotting wasnt a period and secretly i was pregnant and something was wrong. I know... Thats just part of my health anxiety.
Subsequently, DH has had to deal with more of this than he has for a long time since TTC and rightly is getting a bit stressed with it. However, he said lsst night "if this is how you are before you're even pregnant, how are you gonna cope when you actually are and theres something to worry about?"

Now obviously this has already been on my mind and although he took it back, I know its a concern. My problem is, i dont know the answer. I do know im at the best stage of coping ive ever been... And that I really want children.

Sorry its long, just needed to tell someone.

I keep flitting between feeling fine and happily coping to worrying about 'what will I do if I get pregnant/have the baby and then decide I can't cope?'. At the minute I'm coping the best I've been in months and I know that the fact that I've decided that I'm ready to make a change is a good sign (I'm a natural worrier and change, generally speaking, scares the sh!t out of me) BUT I can't help but worry about 'what happens if I start to worry again?'. It's driving me up the wall as I seem to just go round and round in circles!

My answer for now is to try and ignore my head and keep on with TTC as that was what I had decided I wanted to do, and if I think I'm likely to change my mind then I tell myself that when I do get pregnant, I'll have 9 months to get used to the idea and to prepare myself for the change...by the time baby comes I'll be more than ready. The thought of it actually makes me excited, which again is a good sign for me.

Hope you feel a bit happier soon Treacle. You know where I am if you ever want to chat xxx

See, the thought of the baby being here is exciting and I'm not worried about coping with that. I'm worried about my health and labour.

Thanks Spotti :) You too! If you ever need a chat just send me a message :)

We are proper little internet twins Treacle ;). Wouldn't it be nice if we both got BFPs around the same time? We could have internet twin babies!

I think we'll be fine. If we stick together and help each other out (get the cheer leader pom poms out and keep sharing the Jaffa cakes) then I think we'll be fine. Big hugs xxxxxxxxxx

Only just seen this (and only recently joined mumsnet) but really feel compelled to reply as I could have written the OP almost word for word....

Suffered from anxiety and depression almost my entire life. Also have some borderline OCD mainly focussed on my house, clean, tidiness etc. I also suspect I have PMDD as the two weeks before my period are hell on earth for me, and everyone around me, seem to be profoundly affected by my own hormones... Haven't taken any antidepressants for a couple of years now as symptoms have been manageable since finishing the last course. However things seem to have taken a nosedive since we started TTC in September.

I didn't want to be a charter or a ovulation obsessive or even have sex everyday... just wanted it to happen "naturally" - not trying, but not not trying as they say. After one month of that it became clear to me that that method was not conducive to my personality!!!

I am almost constantly anxious and on edge about TTC, and hugely paranoid that me and/ OH are infertile and its never going to happen.... Its exhausting. I feel depressed all the time because I'm not pregnant yet. I feel like its so easy for everyone else, EVERYONE's pregnant already, its so unfair for me yada yada yada. I'm just causing myself this unnecessary stress and upset I know. There's no need for it at all.

Other times my brain goes the other way: OMG I don't even want a baby! That is terrifying! I'd be a terrible mother! Etc...

Its so lonely as well isn't it? Who are you supposed to talk to about this shit? I can bearly explain it to myself, never mind anyone else.

And my OH: "ALL THIS NEGATIVITY DOESN'T HELP!" or "JUST RELAX...."

yaRGH.

Just wanted to join this board. I suffer from anxiety, and i think that is why I actually haven't seen AF since Jan 1st. I am also in the process of buying a house. I feel very stressed at the moment and I dont know how to de stress so that my AF might return.

Hi JSBNYC and RPopz I'm so glad what I wrote resonated with other people (although I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy of course).

I feel that I am calming down slightly... more into a mild depression than highly alert anxiety... strange how a mild depression (i.e. comfortably numb) can seem like a desirable outcome .

I just wish sometimes that I could escape from it all though... although it is even possible? I was even contemplating renting a storage locker, putting a chair in it and sitting in the dark for a day (although apparently they take a dim view of such things).

Here is another thing that I have struggled with - why would I want to pass on my brain chemistry to an innocent child? It's been a curse to me so far (although hellish childhood has also had an effect no doubt).

Treaclepie I hope you and DP have managed to sort things out. I think it's best not to discuss concerns with them particularly, I've even phoned the Samaritans just to share/offload so that I am not over sharing with DH. Because if he feels under too much pressure then it's unlikely he is going to want to dtd much.

Anyway, I am sitting here typing and feel less alone knowing that you guys are out there somewhere and can understand how painful this all is. I hope it all works out for us... And I know we would will be fantastic, sensitive, thoughtful mothers one day.

What a lovely post crash
Me and DH have talked all through. He is trying hard as always to be understanding and im trying to use my coping mechanisms.

Didnt want to lose this thread full of support!!!