Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

Single mum of 1 wants another baby

14 replies

buzzybee · 04/08/2006 13:03

I have a 4 year old daughter who I adore but she spends 50% of her time with my ex. I would love to have another but am not in a relationship right now and am 36 going on 37. I'm seriously thinking about going down the sperm donor route. Am I mad??!!! Any thoughts welcome!

OP posts:
suejonez · 04/08/2006 13:07

Not at all, though perhaps others would disagree. If you are anywhere in the south east I can put you in touch with a number of women who have done this or can put you in touch with them by email.

suejonez · 04/08/2006 13:08

you would obviously need to think through the dynamic of having one child who has a daddy and one who doesn't.

Original poster
buzzybee · 04/08/2006 13:14

Actually I'm in NZ!!! But I would be keen to know others who have done this - email would probably work best. Things that have occurred to me: social stigma, no reprieve, how my daughter will react...

OP posts:
Earlybird · 04/08/2006 13:22

Do you live in an area where there would be social stigma? Suejonez makes a good point about pyschological impact on second child if first one has very involved/hands on dad and second has no one. Do you have a grandfather, brother or friend who could fill that gap (at least in some way) for new baby/child? How would you manage another baby logistically - do you have help? Do you have room? Could you manage financially?

At least in the UK, these are all questions you will have to answer in order to be allowed to proceed.

Original poster
buzzybee · 04/08/2006 13:31

I currently work full time in a well paid job and own a nice house. I think we'd be ok financially although it would probably be necessary for baby to go into childcare at least 3 days per week from about 6 months. My dd was in chilcare (in London at the time) from about 4 months so I know what's involved there. I have a brother who lives about 30 mins drive away (with his wife and 2 nephews) but agree there would be more limited male involvement than for DD who spends 50% of her time with my ex. Particularly for a boy that could become a major issue.
I haven't investigated the legal requirements in NZ - or made contact with a fertility clinic etc but its something which is on my mind quite often recently. When my ex and I split I thought I'd find someone else but it hasn't happened and its over 3 years now. The other thing I do think about is the impact this would have on me finding a new partner - can only be negative!

OP posts:
suejonez · 04/08/2006 13:39

I don't want to set the cat amongst the pidgeons but would you consider your ex being a donor, would he consider it?

Original poster
buzzybee · 04/08/2006 13:43

Funny but it has crossed my mind to ask him! However I can't see it being a possibility as he is living with someone and I doubt she'd be keen!!! They've been together 3 years and I keep expecting DD to annouce they're pregnant but hasn't happened yet.

OP posts:
SlightlyFamiliarPeachyClair · 04/08/2006 13:47

For me, it would depend on my age as much as anything else- if at an age where there was a strong chance of meeting someone and being able to have a child with them, then i'd wait; however were I looking towards the end of my realistic chances of having a baby (whatever age that might be- for me about 38 with other risks, varies) then I would seriously consider this route, yes, if I were in your situation (and had planned to if hadn't met Dh when I did).

The thing about sibling male involvement is an issue, but it could be perhaps overcome with selection of a well chosen GodParent or equaivalent (DS3 has OddParents). And when DD isn't around, you would have a lot of 1 on 1 time with D?2 that a sibling in a more conventional family might envy.

suejonez · 04/08/2006 13:52

hmmm, that could be a problem.

Children born from donor insemination need to be treated similarly to adopted children, ie explain as young as possible and expand detials slowly as they get older.

More difficult to deal with you DD having so much time with her father whereas junior would have none at all unless he was prepared to act in loco parentis for at least part of the time.

Re meeting someone, I can't help feeling that you want another baby because you want someone in your life (not necessarily a baby) - your comment about how you ONLY have your DD 50% of the time and the concern about finding another partner. You need to be really clear about what you want, you may be better off spending you energy (and money) in trying to find a new partner.

in my case when I thought about this - my 2 easy questions were - how am I going to feel if I never have another relationship, how am I going to feel if I never have a baby.

Ask yourself those two questions and see which one feels most scary - thats your answer. If what you want is a relationship (with the chance of more children later) then get yourself down a dataing agency, if its anotehr child you want get yourself down the sperm bank .

Sorry thats slightly flippant but I'm sure you know what I mean.

Original poster
buzzybee · 04/08/2006 20:46

That is the right question and in fact I believe its the reverse. I have actually made quite an effort over the last years to find someone. Have been an active member of a dating website, have been out (if only once) with maybe 20 men and dated 3 different men for at least 4 months. But I recently reached the conclusion that my prime motivation in finding someone new was actually that I wanted another baby!!!
You're right I did say "only" - but on reflection I think that is more to do with my frustration towards my ex than anything else. I certainly didn't plan to be a sole parent when I had DD - but he started seeing someone else while I was still pregnant. I wil admit I do have a rather pessimistic view that finding someone who I will be comfortable having a baby with is nigh on impossible...

OP posts:
suejonez · 04/08/2006 21:06

well if its the baby thing you want most then I'd encourage you to start collecting into, talk to clinics about their policies regarding single women, start googling single mother by choice groups in NZ there may be some. Would you also consider adoption? If so start getting info on that too.

Whatever route you cdoose (if indeed to decide to carry on) will probably take you longer than you expect so spend your thinking time also esearching so you're ready to start when you want to instead of having to start at square one IYKWIM.

I'll find out if one of my freinds who used donor insemination would be prepared to email you. Send me your email address to suejonez at aol dot com

suejonez · 04/08/2006 21:06

sorry that should have said "collecting INFO"

Original poster
buzzybee · 05/08/2006 10:24

I'll do that Suejonez. Thanks so much. At this point the key thing seems to me to gather as many people around me as possible as a support network. I will do some Googling too!

OP posts:
Lcd00 · 14/11/2019 23:26

I'm almost 20, and had my daughter in February. I'm a single parent and her father takes very little almost nothing to do with her. So far I've raised her by myself and loved every second of it! I fear I will never meet anyone again due to having a child and in the future feel I need to have more children, I would do it all over again if I could. Anyone else feel like this?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page