Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Flip

Original poster

Want children but struggling with extreme anxiety

13 replies

cobaltblue27 · 14/01/2014 21:29

Hi everyone,
I have always imagined myself as a mother, and aspired to have a big family. However, I am now in a situation when I really should be "getting on with it", and feel like I should be relaxed and happy about doing so, but I have been overcome with anxiety since starting to consider TTC seriously. I am worried about how I will handle pregnancy, the effect on my career and my lifestyle, whether I would be a terrible mother, whether something awful might happen to my child, whether my body would ever recover: it's pretty all-encompassing. These feelings manage to coexist with the fact that I want to have children, and how I am worried I am falling behind when I hear others are pregnant, and feel like a failure as I can't seem to manage the natural worries and fears that most women must feel. I have suffered increasingly from anxiety as I have got older, in several different areas of my life, and have a busy job, as well as a history of eating disorders which I guess won't help. I have tried to address my workload where I can. I am worried I am never going to get over this and will miss the boat and feel like a freak! Has anyone any advice for how I can get over this? I feel so under pressure.

OP posts:

rightaboutthestars · 14/01/2014 21:42

Hi cobalt. Sorry to hear you're struggling. If it helps I think a lot of people feel that way you're not alone xx

milktraylady · 14/01/2014 21:48

You know what I could have written your op. But I got pg, gave birth & 9months later it's finally getting easier.
You will survive, baby will be fabulous & it will all be fine.
Off you go & have a lovely shag
(Ps also having counselling to help with dealing with why you get so anxious & how to cope with it better can be a massive help)

PacificDogwood · 14/01/2014 21:55

I think you'd benefit discussing this with your GP and seeing what treatment is available in your area to address you anxiety.
IMO your post does not sound like you have a conception issue, but an anxiety problem - you are looking waaaaaay to far ahead and seeing nothing but doom and gloom.

CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) is really quite effective in dealing with this kind of thing; as is practicing Mindfulness which encourages you to live in the moment rather than exhausting your mental energy with lots of 'what ifs'.

I think you should put TTC on the back burner and address how you are feeling first. You need to be resilient to TTC and be pregnant, have a baby/child/teenager etc etc.

Original poster

cobaltblue27 · 15/01/2014 22:00

Thanks everyone for your kind and understanding posts. I have already been seeing someone regarding my anxiety, but have asked if I can switch to a more targeted approach (e.g. CBT), rather than more generalised psychotherapy which doesn't seem to be getting very far, apart from churning up issues i didn't even know I had ! A friend recommended Mindfulness to me too so I will follow that up, thanks Pacific!

I guess I am really worried that I'll never get there; I'll be too old (I am 31 now and this feeling has been here for months without getting any better) and then kick myself for being paralysed by my own fear. I have always been someone who has been quite diligent, always did my homework on time, worked hard etc etc, and I feel like I am failing in some way at the moment and wasting time. Several people, including colleagues at work, have asked directly when we will have children, and have said how I would make such a good mother, which is ironic given the feelings with which I am currently struggling, and in a way it raises the pressure even more. Argh! If anyone has any book recommendations, or thought patterns, or any suggestion really, for getting over this, I would be so so grateful!

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 16/01/2014 09:02

Well, I had my first at 37. And had 4 altogether.... just sayin' .

IME it is usually the v diligent, exacting people you have really, really high standards and huge expectations on themselves, that are more prone to troublesome anxiety issues.
Cut yourself a bit of slack - honestly, do.
Tell people who ask about when you are going to have children "Did you mean to be so intrusive?" and look at them like this .
Be kind to yourself - count the things you are GOOD at (I be there's many).
CBT can be really good for this going round in ever more anxious circles and in addressing unhelpful thinking. Remind yourself that your thoughts are just that: thoughts. Not intentions, not deeds. You can learn to get your train of thought to go in more constructive directions - it might not come easily to you, but with practice you can learn that.
Psychotherapy can be v good as well, but the result can take much, much longer, sometimes years and yes, can dredge up a lot of stuff.

Have a look at MoodScope
If you sign up with them, they'll send you a daily reminder with some 'homework'. The tone of the site is quite light-hearted/flippant, so if that grates with you, then just leave it, but I think their advice is sound.

Get self help is a website which links to all sorts of self-help sites available online. MoodGym is good, as is a site called 'Living Life To The Full'.

Oh, another thing about anxiety: it is a really important emotion, feeling anxious about dodgy situations is what keeps us safe. Anxiety is a problem when it takes over and stops you from doing things you may not be able to predict the outcome of, but are not really 'dangerous' in the true sense of the word.
The fact that you worry about what kind of a parent you are going to be, suggests that you'll be a good one .

rightaboutthestars · 16/01/2014 12:22

Cobalt - I had some therapy/psychiatrist help as a teenager to help me after I had a bad time that I just couldnt seem to talk about. I felt that if I didnt feel immediately better after talking that it wasn't working, only making it worse etc and I'd clam back up.

really though I think it's like exercising, you feel worse doing it and it hurts after but it makes you stronger the more you do it.

Sometimes just putting words to feelings makes them make sense and when you articulate and understand then the reality of what you're going through makes yourightfully sad but you know what you're fighting and can plan how to cope and fight?

Does that make sense? Good luck hunni and keep fighting. You've got some amazing stuff ahead of you. Well worth getting your life together for xxxx

rightaboutthestars · 16/01/2014 12:23

really though I think it's like exercising, you feel worse doing it and it hurts after but it makes you stronger the more you do it.

Does that make sense? Good luck hunni and keep fighting. You've got some amazing stuff ahead of you. Well worth getting your life together for xxxx

Original poster

cobaltblue27 · 16/01/2014 21:17

Thanks so much to you both, Pacific and rightaboutthestars! I am so grateful to you. Just hearing some kind words of sense makes things quite a bit better, and it's so nice to hear that it doesn't mean I have totally lost my chance at the whole thing if it doesn't all happen by the time I'm 32!

Pacific, I'm going to check out the links you sent so thanks. I've been struggling with the idea of not being able to DO something constructive to try to sort myself out, so it helps feeling like I am starting to do something about it. I'll also make a point of trying to remember that life is not all totally awful. I have to confess that no-one ever accused me of being an optimist...!

Thanks ladies! I'm going to try to take the pressure off a bit for a while at least and see if I feel better. I've already been trying to rein in my workload a bit (testing out saying "No, sorry, I won't be able to do that", which is remarkably scary, but hopefully will protect my time/life a bit more!) as well. Thanks to you both again. I feel very happy with the response to my first post on here!

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 16/01/2014 21:37

"No, sorry, I won't be able to do that"

When you've said that often enough, drop the 'sorry' - no need to apologise for managing your availability.

Or, as the MN chestnut goes: 'No' is a complete sentence .

Well done for making a start. Just keep going now .

Tranquilitybaby · 17/01/2014 12:51

I really feel from you as I'm a fellow sufferer. Keep on with CBT, hopefully as you talk more, it'll start to help.

I have two children, they're my world and I'm so glad I have them, anxiety or no anxiety. Don't let it rob you of the most wonderful gift in life, you can do this! Keep battling on x

onelifeonechance · 17/01/2014 15:25

Just wanted to say what a lovely thread this is and how fabulous the responses have been, some really constructive and supportive advice.

Best of luck with it all Cobalt!!

sizethree · 17/01/2014 21:48

cobaltblue I just wanted to thank you for being so honest and articulate about how you are feeling. It's refreshing to read and although you have your battles, you sound very competent and certainly someone who knows their mind and is emotionally aware, which is a strength. It's good you're putting lots of thought into this and thinking about the scenarios that would cause potential extra stresses.
The very fact you are asking yourself these questions show that you are ia better place than you give yourself credit for.
Huge luck with the next part of your journey to being a mummy. X

Tranquilitybaby · 27/01/2014 23:50

How are you doing? Xxx

Flip