How did you know it was time??

[WantToBeSure]

n/c so as not to link to regular name --

Here is our situation: My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years (known each other for 7) and married for 4. We both just turned 30 in 2013. I have PCO (never officially diagnosed with PCOS) and sleep apnea (have had a CPAP machine for over a month now). I haven't had an ultrasound in over 5 years and I have implanon so I don't know if I still have PCO (I assume so), because I don't menstruate and have no cramping (I used to be able to "feel" my ovaries they would ache).

I always thought I wanted kids. As time has passed I've become less sure. I don't want to have kids to "fix" my loneliness (live in a different country to my family) or depression. I'm worried about being too tired (my sleep doc tells me that with time on the CPAP my energy levels will increase) and of getting overwhelmed from being so tired. I've had issues with depression before (and still probably) and I'm worried about PND. I'm worried about raising kids without MY family around. Small but much more supportive that DH's. I'm worried about my kids not knowing my family (even though I'll try and keep them in contact via Skype, visits are $$$ and I've only managed twice because mum paid because of family illness). I'm worried that I've just convinced myself I want kids or that I need to before it's to late and if I get pregnant it'll be too late to realise that.

Did anyone else feel this way? Am I simply freaking myself out for no reason? How did you know you were ready? Did you feel different once you were pregnant (either good or bad)?

Was having a baby what you expected? Better/worse? Do you have any regrets?

Do you think I should wait longer? Do you think my freaking out about PCO and my age is why I feel so neurotic?

Help please :(

Hello, gosh you have a lot to think about don't you?

How did we know? I think we got there in stages. 1st we got to accepting that if we didn't have children at some point we'd be sad about it - that was a breakthrough!

Then we got to thinking a bit more practically I.e. A timescale. We agreed that we'd start TTC at some point the following year and I came off the pill and stopped drinking to get ready.

Once we got that far, I wanted it to happen sooner rather than later and luckily it did. FYI, I got pregnant when I was 35 and didn't want to leave it much later than that.

But my situation was different to yours in terms of energy and family. Having had PND (it was pretty inevitable given my history of depression) I would say wait to TTC until you have more energy if tiredness is a trigger for depression for you (it is for me). And get a support network in place e.g. Find a good counsellor, is there an NCT or equivalent class you will be able to join?

Having a baby will not necessarily make you less lonely. It can make you feel more lonely and isolated.

I think it's really good you are thinking about it all however the killer question is: if you found out you were pregnant, would you think "oh god, a disaster!" or would you think "oh lordy, this is going to be interesting!"

As Freelance says, I like this "if you found out you were pregnant, would you think "oh god, a disaster!" or would you think "oh lordy, this is going to be interesting!"

For me and OH it was gradual - when we got married we thought we'd have children immediately. Life didn't work out like that and I wasn't very well. Over the last 6m or so I started thinking about it again and now I'm getting broody. For us, the time just seems to have finally come but when I went to see the Nurse (AGES go) she said this to me (about coming off the pill).

If you found out you was pregnant tomorrow what's the worse that would happen and what would you do? To which I replied, nothing, I wouldn't do anything and she said "there you go then, perhaps there is your answer". I haven't been on the pill for at least a year or so but now we're actively trying.

The age things has played a little on my mind (I'm 29) but to be honest, life has to feel right. Not necessarily 100% but it just has to feel right to you.

Thank you both for taking the time to respond.

I actually asked myself the "If i got pregnant tomorrow how would I feel?" question thing this morning and determined that my answer would be that I'd be shocked (implanon and all :P) but also happy and excited (as well as scared crapless in a happy way) and like it was meant to be.

In a way I suppose I wish the choice was taken from me (while still happy that it wasn't already with immigration etc) because we'd just cope. I think the biggest part of my fear is choosing to make the decision to start, like the responsibility of making the choice means if it goes wrong in any way (say we lose our jobs or medical bills are insane or any situation where life is really hard), it's because we made the choice at the wrong time... or that DH would say/think that it'd be easier to deal with whatever the stressor is without worry about the kid/s and that we should have waited. Fear of the unknown because life is comfortable now... what if our choice makes life hard.

But I really feel like, as people often say, you can never be 100% ready or 100% sure of what will happen because life is unpredictable.

All I can know is that I don't want to regret not having kids and I'm confident that I would so having them is a yes, the "when" is the question. I also know I don't want to be an older parent. My dad was already grandfather when I and my siblings were born and while I loved my dad, we didn't do a lot of active stuff together and I sometimes wonder if I/we/my brother missed out.

I think I need to just bite the bullet and get my rod out and we can use alternate protection in the interim. One (baby) step at a time :P

I think posting the above has made me realise the biggest unknown and worry is my DH... I think if he turned to me and said "let's do it. We'll make it work!" that all my worries would disappear. I think I'm so anxious because I'm trying to talk myself into being okay with not having kids because he's never been overly effusive about them (though had admits he wants them he's not like some guys I see who are SUPER excited about kids) and I don't want to make him.

He wants to make me happy and would go along with it even if he wasn't ready... but I don't want him to "go along with it", I want him to be excited/happy about it as well.. but he's not "that" kinda guy, the super excited about ANYTHING (except his man stuff like cars) so I might just be expecting too much from him. I should mention I have zero doubts about him hanging around, or about our relationship or anything like that, a baby would not break us... I just want him to be happy too and not stressed out.

Man... I think we need to have another talk and see if I can get him on the same page, or at least show me his table of contents so I can get on the same page or know how much longer he needs.

Being an adult is hard!

Ok some more memories have popped up:
I talked about this with DP when he was a bit drunk. It was much easier to get him to open up.

Most men do seem to "go along with it" until the baby comes or even until the missus is pregnant.

I felt the same about making the decision to TTC - what if we weren't great parents, what if we split up, what if it's too heartbreaking being a Mum, etc. But what you might find is that you have less control over the decision than you think. Even if you do start TTC, you won't be able to control when you get pregnant so the timing can still be good/not so good and there's not much you can do about it. In your late teens/early 20s a lot of women worry about getting pregnant. Then when you hit your 30s you start learning that for some women it can be almost impossible.
You might be one of those. Or get pregnant first time.
That helped me get over the over-thinking hurdle a bit.

Plus, TTC was the only time I had "unprotected sex" with someone I love and been unworried about it - and that was pretty damn fun ; )

Oh god - just re-read your post OP. When you said you were going to get your rod out, I thought that was some kind of euphemism (!)
Ahem - yes, there's no harm in using alternative protection, getting yourself fit, starting to take folic acid, etc. Just in case things move quicker than you anticipate. I gave up drinking before TTC mainly so people wouldn't guess I was pregnant when I turned down alcohol later on, but it's supposed to help with conception too.

Im feeling exactly the same! my other half is desperate for a baby and if it wasn't for him I don't think it would cross my mind twice, ive never felt maternal, never felt broody and never had any younger siblings/ babies around me. im 33 this year and I know the clock is ticking away, I like the idea of having a mini me, and I do not want to get to an age where I will regret not doing this, but I feel like Im the only person in the world who is petrified of the whole situation, Im scared of being pregnant, im terrified of giving birth, im worried how I would cope and look after a baby while trying to run my own business. I also carry the severe Haeomphilia gene too so I run a 50/50 chance of passing this onto a child and to have a boy with this deficiency would be devastating, I don't know if it will ever feel right or whether I should just jump in the deep end and hope for the best? my other half says im only looking at the negatives, and I need to think of all the amazing parts of becoming parents brings . . . really don't know what im going to do!

Ellen That sounds like a very good reason to be hesitant - I'm sorry you've got that to think about.

I've pretty much decided that we're going to quit while we're ahead with one healthy child - I was fearful the entire pregnancy that something would go wrong and most of his first year - they seem so flipping vulnerable! and if we decide we want more - which is likely - that we'll adopt rather than TTC. And we agreed early on that we'd rather adopt than rush to TTC just because of my age (and risk factors increasing with it).

DH is sick right now. I attempted a conversation but he's sick and started cracking jokes about how I'd told him no funny business when he offered his services by saying: "Ew! you're sick. I don't want anything to do with your icky bodily fluids"...

I told him we'd talk more when he was less loopy :P

ellenmelen I think it's harder for the woman because ultimately, you have a relatively narrow "baby window" but men can have kids well into their golden years.

I think that the Haemophilia gene would be the thing playing on my mind the most. Have you considered (or is it available) to have selective IVF where they screen for it?

Can I ask what part of pregnancy and giving birth you're worried about? For example, for the pregnancy itself I'm worried about the nausea probably most and the impact on my life (specifically work). I'm also a tad worried about the other bodily functions that are affected! I'm expecting that our kids will be 9lb+ babies (I was 9.7, my sister had a 9.10lb) but I'm not worried about the size, just curious whether I'll end up with a c-section like my sister. The labour part my sister had issues with the epidural as well so I think about that and also that she had trouble breastfeeding (as did mum).

Breastfeeding I will be attempt to express to feed from a bottle but aside from the initial colostrum, I have no specific freak out about breast vs formula. There are many reasons I won't actually breastfeed (i.e. baby to boob), the main one being I have large breasts and the risk of suffocation is very high (people think that's silly and their reaction bugs me but trust me it's a legit concern).

I suppose now I'm typing it all, I'm probably MOST worried about finding a doc I like and trust and one who's on my page with what I want/need. I've read stories about docs wanting to do it "their" way (like my sister is being pushed for a VBAC when she really really doesn't want to do it after her last experience and the anxiety alone isn't good for her).

I was saying to my mum the other day I wished the decision to try could be taken away from me - there just never seems to be a right one!

I'm still not sure we are ready, and we have our doubts, but we think it's 'time' to let nature take its course so to speak. We are financially secure, we've bought a house and both have stable jobs. I'm not getting any younger (31 this year) and we both do want children.

So I stopped my pill last week and will just see what happens. I'm still bloody terrified though!!

I also think the way your DH feels plays a part, I know if mine was wholeheartedly behind it and excited I'd feel so much more secure in the idea, but he just looks fairly panicked about the idea and is very much 'going along with it'.

happygoluckyinOz exactly. He sometimes pretends to be super panicked, or pretends he's pretending, in this over-exaggerated way and I don't think he gets that I need him to be serious for a second and just say "it'll be okay, we'll work it out". Like you I'm getting older and I think it's time we at LEAST see what nature says (go off my implanon rod, see if he can handle me PMSing because I've only had my period ONCE since we've been together!), and then if nature isn't interested consider how badly we want it (i.e. enough for IVF?).

Just yesterday I was doing "baby room" planning and how to organise the room (what will fit, what won't, how much room we'll have left) and I was talking to him about it in a matter-of-fact kind of way - "do you think the crib should go on the inside wall, or the outside wall? Outside might be colder but it's near the heater/air con vent, and inside is closer to the noise of the living room and kitchen". He bought up a concern about the power points/outlets being high up the wall (they are actually, strangely, about hip high on my 5'7" frame) so I started looking at baby proofing those. But at least he had some input right?!

I'm in agreement with the "there will never be a right time" frame of mind. A couple of months ago started to experience baby fever, I was also feeling down with my job and life in general (since been prescribed some happy pills).

I was concerned that my low feelings were enhancing my broodiness and after discussing my feelings with OH he expressed that he didn't feel ready. He does want kids and although we're in a stable relationship and financial position there are other targets he'd like to hit before ttc.

We've decided to concentrate on the wedding. We're holding it on our 10yr anniversary in 2 years time. We never wanted children out of wedlock so the wedding is a nice target to work towards.

I'm still concerned about the reasons for my sudden onset of baby brooding and having more time to think about it has just given me more time to think of things to worry about. Luckily my SIL is ttc so I'll have someone experiencing it before me and the bonus of a baby to fuss over :)

I think reproducing is such a personal thing. I think the important thing is that it needs to be something you're both happy with. Maybe take a break from thinking about it for a while. After talking to my OH about this I didn't think I'd be able to but with the business of xmas I stopped thinking about it so much and everything feels a bit clearer and more relaxed now. - although that might be the meds talking!

Well... DH doesn't want kids.

I finally got him to talk to me about when to take my rod out. He wasn't happy that it's all I've been talking about lately but at least I go an answer.

It started with me telling him that I need some sort of "when". I need to know how he feels about it. That I'm worried about making the decision without him 100% on board and that he might hold it against me (even as a joke "you wanted them, you can change the nappy") and become resentful of me and the child/ren.

He says he's not adverse to kids but then lists reasons why he's not ready "now" and honestly to me they're all "never want kids" issues... i.e. if we have kids we'll never travel back to my home country (we can't even afford me just me, and he's never been), afford a car loan (I need a car, not a pick-up truck), finish his S10, be able to go to the movies when we want, etc etc

All his reasons are perfectly valid reasons. Reasons I've mentioned in my OP... but (and I have so many "buts" cycling through my head) if we don't, and relatively soon, we won't... it'll be too late. Then what? We grow old? No-one to carry on our name. No little "us"s?

I can't force him to have kids. I can't bring kids into an environment like that. Part of me wishes I could. Then at leave I will have kids and if he leaves us (which of course I hope he doesn't) he does... but that's so selfish. Then part of me stupidly thinks "maybe once they're here he'll realise he was wrong...

I'm getting sick now myself. Caught his sickness I think so I don't have to talk about it right now but I'm definitely thinking about it. I have some serious soul-searching to do. Nothing looks like a good option right now and I think my cold-addled brain isn't helping.

I may still take my rod out and leave birth control up to him (I told him that). Another reason for removal was to try and lose weight.

Will update if I have any. Best wishes all!

I haven't read all replies sorry! Just to say, I am 36 abd been ttc for 8 cycles. I also wish the choice had been taken out of my hands earlier as i know we would have coped and 'stepped up'

I do have my very supportive parents close by and that helps. I also have a history of depression, DH is out of work and NEEDS to get a job soon or we will not be able to pay the mortgage. I will take a drop of £600 per month if i take 9 months mat leave.

So, all in all, not ideal. But i am 36, and KNOW we will regret it if we don't try now.

I was determined I didn't want kids until I had coil problems after a car crash followed by a bfp that sadly dudn't stick. Seeing two lines on a test just flicked aswitch in me.Just wish it had flipped before I was 31 but hey!!

My boyfriend has been broody since day one and wanted a family together i worried a lot that he would resent me so I can kind of understand.

I think in reality that I convinced myself I didn't want to because I thought it wasn't gng to be possible. (i also have pcos and i'm 31)

I have a friend who struggled for years who has pcos and now has two gorgeous girls after an ovarian drilling op. She had her bfp On her first cycle after recovery so there's hope.

Would like to balance this by saying that if it's really not what you want you need to be brutally honest with yourself. Can you picture your life with children in five/ten/fifteen years? Xx