How to tell THREE very good friends, all struggling to conceive, that I'm pregnant

[confusedgirlfromtheShire]

Hi, former semi-regular poster and lurker.

Please be gentle. I was worried about posting this and potentially causing upset to some but hoping this will be a good place to get advice.

Have one child already, just started to TTC for #2 and, yet again, it has worked first month of trying. My three closest friends (from different parts of my life) have been trying to conceive for ages, all of them now going through fertility treatment or early investigations. One of them has a child, the other two have not. I've been close to them throughout, tried to be supportive and empathetic even though I can't possibly know what it's like. (Other than when my DH said no to a second child for a good year or so and every pregnancy I heard about felt like a slap in the face). My friends know that DH and I were going to give it a go to see what happened, and I got my BFP on New Year's Eve, so they will know it's happened within the first month. Again.

Assuming there are no problems, I'm obviously going to need to tell them at some point. I so badly want it to happen for all my friends too that although I should be feeling happy I'm pg I am not as pleased as I should be - it feels that the picture is only half complete, IYSWIM? I have said to all of them in the past that if need be I would be a surrogate if they could conceive but not carry (and I mean this, I've got enough time to do it for all three!), and could help them fund their IVF (at least one is very short of spare funds) if they wanted. I'm kind of practical by nature, I want to feel that I'm able to offer "something" to help as well as being there. I love all three of them to bits.

DH does not see what the problem is as "there aren't a finite number of babies to go round, you having one doesn't stop them getting pregnant" which I think misses the point somewhat. So what I'm asking is, what is the best way to tell them - are there any do's and don'ts? I wasn't planning on hand-wringing emotion, hand-holding and sad faces (patronising), just to be direct and gentle. But when and how? Face to face or by text/email so they can have their reaction privately? Earlier so they have time to get used to it or after first scan before I tell the wider world? Should I expect to lose some or all of them as friends for a while?

Sorry for any offence caused - I know this "problem" is about 0.01% of what some people are going through on these boards, but I really would welcome some advice so I don't fuck things up.

I'm struggling to conceive, and I think you sound really lovely and if I was your friend I would be happy for you.

I would suggest you make sure you tell each of them yourself - don't let them hear it on the grapevine. How you tell them depends on you - again, if it was me, I'd appreciate a nice email or face-to-face.

But what I'd really advise is please don't make this a negative conversation highlighting their struggles to conceive. Acknowledge the fact, maybe by saying 'I hope this isn't too much of a sensitive issue for you, but I really want you to know and want to share this with you'.

Just say what you've said here. And any friend worth their salt will be happy for you. If it was me, I might make a joke about you being a lucky bugger falling pg on the first go, but that would be all.

As for expecting to lose them as friends - I hope not. But perhaps be sensitive to their feelings and realize that they might not want to hear all the ins and outs of the pregnancy - let them lead the way, and if they're interested then great.

congratulations!

Oh and as for 'when' - that also depends on how close you are. I'd go for earlier, as it might be nice for them to feel 'in' on something that others don't know.

Plus, if, god forbid, anything did go wrong before your first scan, are they the friends that you would want to be there for you?

Finally never apologize for your good fortune. Enjoy it!

Personally I wouldn't say anything until you've had your first scan.

Then, tell them in person.

I do kind of agree with your husband though if I'm honest. If they're good friends, they'll be happy for you.

Thank you Cosy, that is great advice.

Yes, these are my three closest female friends. I have known two of them for 20 years.

Hope 2014 is your year, and theirs too!

Purple, I hope so too. But this is something about infertility that makes people so raw (understandably so) that it might be hard to be "rational."

I was on the receiving end of this problem.

My best friend sent me an email the day before her first scan to give me a chance to be upset and get used to the idea before I saw her! She had been upset for about a week after her sister announced a PG so understood what it was like. I did appreciate this but was very upset at the timing. We had seen each other a lot in the preceding three months and talked about trying to get pregnant and my mc and so consequently felt a bit betrayed. After talking it out she agreed that earlier would have been better for both of us. I made the point that if the worst had happened who would she have talked to who knew and understood?!

This is my personal opinion but if I were you I'd send them each an individual email letting then know and explaining why the email, knowing that they may get upset and that you want to give them a chance to feel how they feel without having to put on a happy face straight away!

Basically I think the earlier the better, make them feel part of it and let them know you understand how hard it is.

One thing I hate is everyone else feeling like they can't be happy/excited/vocal about a PG because of me, makes me feel worse!

Hope this helps!

Hi OP, I'm in a similar situation with two close friends. This is my second pregancy and like you, it happened really quickly. I'm now 11 weeks.

Friend 1 guessed completely randomly and was happy but is struggling as there have been loads of announcements recently.

Friend 2 I'm yet to tell and dreading it as she's in absolute bits about the whole IVF thing. I was going to tell her in person, but I think I'm going to do it over the phone - reason being is that another couple of friends told her recently about their pregnancies (one when we were out for dinner and one when they popped over to see her and her DH)and she nipped off for a quick cry both times and put on a brave face for the rest of the meal/visit. I don't want her to have to do that so I figure a phone call might be best...

I've also always opted for the very personal email on this - gives me a chance to say I debated whether to tell them in person or not, and when to tell them, but didn't want to be nursing a secret when we met, nor to surprise them with the news, and that I so very, very much hope we will both be having babies in 20xx etc, and to please not feel that they need to reply immediately to me etc etc. i think its always been received well.

With another friend who I was close too but not so close but who didn't live in london and I didn't see often, I was in touch with her best friend and delayed telling her until I knew she was pregnant too - she had suffered a late heart-breaking miscarriage - so when we were finally meeting up when I was c.5m, I knew she was 9 wks pregnant herself so when I emailed her to say "by the way..." a week or so before we were due to meet I knew it wouldn't result in tears! (I kept quiet that I already knew though!! Her good news to tell me when we met and I was totally thrilled for her!).

Confusedgirl if you're thinking about their feelings in this way, it is highly unlikely you'll loose them as friends over your pregnancy. I struggled through infertily for 3,5 yrs and have had brilliant and really damaging announcements in that time. For me face-to-face was only okay if the pg person could cope with a few tears for us as well as happines for them. My preferred method was always email, to make sure I could deal with our sadness before facing and being happy for them.

I've lost no friends through their pregnancies whilst we were trying, but there have been some on a low burner during the pregnancy, often related to announcements (for instance: during IVF in person, before a dinner date so I could not escape and neither could I drink, or during a happy birthday phone call...)

I agree - I much prefer receiving announcements by email so I have time to process it and plaster on a smile before I see them. Face to face/on the phone require an immediate reaction and that can be tough. I can be happy for friends, I just need to deal with my own sadness as well. I haven't lost any friends over this, although I am sad that most of them have moved on to a new life stage leaving me behind.

OP you sound like a very lovely and sensitive person- I'm sure you won't lose them as friends, but as previous posters say, be prepared to let them lead the way with details etc. I prefer email as a way of hearing pg announcements - my top tip for doing this is that if they are likely to read it at work, send it at the end of the day so that if they struggle to contain tears, they can go home straight away.

Congratulations, btw!

Thank you all for your advice. I think email might be the way to go, maybe towards the end of this month as I am still so early and there's no point stirring things up if the pregnancy fails in the next couple of weeks.

I will follow your advice on timing, and then follow my friends' lead after I send the emails out. I'm due to see them all in late Jan/early Feb so will send emails before then so they have a chance to pull out.

Really appreciate you taking the time to post. Good luck to those struggling. Probably one for another thread - but why not google "soft cups fertility". That's how I did it this time (long story!!). Lots and lots of success stories and I definitely think worth a try!

Based on advice on here, I announced our no. 3 to a close friend by email. Once I'd thought about it, it did seem the kindest thing as she could react however she wanted to react without having to worry about a 'response'. If she needed to rant about it being unfair, she could. I got a very upbeat response but probably about 48 hours later, so I think I probably did the right thing not putting her on the spot.

Fingers crossed for her right now as they are in the middle of their first IVF cycle.

I struggled for years with infertility before finally having my three children successfully with IVF. I can tell you honestly that I was always genuinely happy when friends told me they were pregnant as a new baby is always happy news whatever is going on in your own life. Your friends will be happy for them and it will give them something to look forward to when things are a bit tough for them.
The only thing I did avoid were big baby shower type parties as I really couldn't face them and sometimes felt a bit self conscious when there was a lot of baby chat in a big group of people, but one to one I was always ok.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

What a lovely person you are and so thoughtful . Ive been trying for almost 4 years amd For me personally I always prefer an email or a text but not in work hours. That sounds odd and specific but it is such an emotional experience especially during fertility treatment when hormones are out of whack, that an announcement can at times feel too much. It's very difficult to hide at work or when someone tells you face to face whereas receiving a message out of work hours at least gives friends the time and space to have a little cry if needs be. For me I also hate it how all our friends apologise to us that they are pregnant. That just makes me feel even more dreadful. One friend got it spot on and just sent me a message telling me she was pregnant and because of th tough time I had been through she thought i would have mixed feels and to contact her when I felt ready. I contacted her within minutes because I was genuinely happy and so thankful that she didn't apologise but acknowledged my situation. I did go and have a little weep later but that was just because of the sadness and worry about our situation.