TTC after MMC and still scared

[GandTnow]

Wondering if you ever get over the fear of another mmc? I had an ERPC after a MMC at 12 week scan, at the beginning of November and have just had first af since then. DH is keen to ttc as soon as possible, he is supportive and kind, but doesn't get that at in my mind I just keep thinking that I could have the same experience again.

We already have a fantastic DD who is 2.5, and to be honest, it is the idea of putting her through all the stress there would be as well as the fact that there were 3 months when I was feeling crap not too long ago, that keeps cropping up.

I guess I just wondered how long people have found it is before that feeling goes, if ever?

I am sorry for the loss of your baby.

I had the same experience in August, and TTCd after my first period post-ERPC. For me, I didn't have any children, and the idea of not trying again was unthinkable, which is what pushed me past the fear. I don't know if the sadness and worry would go over time, I think for me I needed to get straight back on the horse or the fear would have paralysed me. I was lucky enough to get a BFP first cycle post-AF, and had 2 early, private scans to help put my mind at rest. Logically the odds of miscarrying post MMC are the same as anyone else's, and there is a far great chance of a successful pregnancy - but of course you can't know that you'll be ok.

One more thing - don't pressure yourself to "feel ok." I still feel sad for the baby that I lost. It looks like this pregnancy is going well (14 weeks) but it isn't a replacement for what I lost. Only you can decide whether its worth putting yourself through it again. Very best of luck whatever you decide.

The short answer is no, the fear doesn't go and it's worse when you actually get pregnant. And if you do go on to have another miscarriage then that is very very hard. But unfortunately if you want another child, there really isn't much option. I had a miscarriage before successfully conceiving DS, I had three miscarriages in a row and then was lucky enough to carry DD successfully. I always wanted another and have just had my second miscarriage trying to achieve DC3. The grief of losing pregnancies is hard to cope with and everyone recovers differently. We all want to have the crystal ball to know in advance, if I get pregnant this time will it work?, but in the end you just have to take that leap into the unknown. Good luck reaching a decision on whether to start trying again.

So sorry for the loss of your baby.

I had a mmc at the same stage as you and remember vividly the overwhelming grief. I was so angry with my body and realised for the first time that this was something completely outwith my control.
I was desperate to become pregnant again and did 3 months later. Everything went well and I had my wonderful Dd2. I was very nervous throughout the entire pregnancy and it did make me sure that 2 were enough when I had previously thought I'd have 3.
I too worried about the impact on my first child but she doesn't remember how stressed I was and is the same happy and loving (and loved) child she always was. We ended up with a 3.5 gap between them which in many ways has been ideal.
Ttc post-mmc is scary but for me the reasons I wanted another child were still there and I'm so glad we tried again.
It's hard I know, but try not to be too sore on yourself. You're probably grieving, bewildered and scared and can't imagine ever feeling "normal" again. You will.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thank you so much for your replies and for sharing your experiences. It really helps to know that I'm not alone in this. I think Neeko got the description of how bewildered I feel just right.

I think maybe I just need a little more time. At the moment I keep going about everyday things and realise that I'm thinking about potential dd and best windows for ttc and then freaking out. Slowly turning myself mad, but as you said the reason for ttc is still there and as Ladybee said you have to just take a leap into the unknown. Myname congratualtions on 14 weeks, must feel a little easier after 12 week scan.

I agree - the fear doesn't go. I've had one pregnancy before (after a long time ttc and a cycle of IVF) and I mc'd. After 3 more gruelling cycles of IVF, I finally have another BFP. I'm just over 5 weeks at the moment and absolutely terrified.

I found the whole of the pregnancy I should have had really difficult. The "I should have been X weeks at this point" was really hard. I was focussed a lot on my due date and once that passed (in October) I found things got a bit easier. But I still miss the 8 week old I should have been holding this Christmas.

When I mc'd all I wanted was to be pregnant again, so I felt ready to try as soon as I had stopped bleeding. It took Mr euro a couple of months though, which was probably for the best. Although it's pointless for us as nothing apart from IVF seems to be able to get me up the duff, but we still feel like we have to try in between assisted cycles.

Do allow yourself to really grieve this - it's hard with another child because they force you to carry on when you feel like everything should stop, but make sure you do just hide away and cry for your loss. Letting it out regularly really does help. Apart from that, time passing or a successful pregnancy are all that lessen the pain.

Hi Gand, sorry to hear of your recent loss. I am not sure the fear ever goes but I think you can also learn along the way. Unfort I had two MC's and then DD5 . For personal reasons did not try for another baby until recently which resulted in a MC in October and I have had a BFP in the past week. Since my two MC's , I have always had an early scan at 6-7 weeks so that I don't get to the 12 week stage and find it is a MMC. But as another poster said we are prepared to keep going as we would love another child. Great support on here and good luck. Unfortunately, it is one day at a time and the 'innocence' of pregnancy is gone. Take care.

If your age is not an issue there is no harm in waiting a few months. I did that after my second MC as I knew a third MC would really pull the rug from beneath my feet. Fortunately , it worked out - my first scan at 6 weeks, seeing a beating heart , well makes me very emotional even today. x

I'm so sorry for your loss GandT

I had a MMC found at 12 week scan earlier this year, despite having had scan at 8 weeks which showed all fine, heartbeat etc. My DS was just over 2 when this happened so too young to understand what was happening, but old enough to know mummy and daddy were upset. One of the things that scared me about TTC again was him struggling with seeing what was happening.

Me and DH decided not to actively TTC but just to wait and see what happened naturally - it had taken 5 months for me to get pregnant with the baby I lost so presumed it would be a while until it happened again.

I actually only had one AF after my ERPC, fell pregnant that month. Incredibly scary particularly for the first trimester, but I'm now 31 weeks and realised a while ago that I'd stopped worrying (at least, stopped worrying any more than I did with my first pregnancy!!). For me, I was too nervous to make the decision to TTC but I'm glad we did it the way it happened.

The big turning point for me feeling better was getting past what would have been my due date - after that I felt I could let go of a lot of my grief. Only you can figure out what will be best for you, but please bear in mind that its unlikely to happen to you again.