A few things to consider (probably long)

[mumtosome61]

Hi all.

I'm 29 in January, and I've been with my boyfriend for over two years and moved into our first home in August. I've never, ever considered having children for a variety of reasons, but lately we have both been discussing the concept of having children.

My boyfriend is 30 next year, and has, quite sweetly, said that the decision about having children is entirely up to me. I know he would make a fabulous father and I know given the chance, he would like to have children.

The problem exists - me. I am in recovery from a severe mental health condition and although I would like to say I'm through the worst, it is so liable to relapse. I'm not heavily medicated and am in therapy, so medication isn't the real crux of the issue - it is my own fears that I will fail as a mother - my Dad failed, and contributed to my current MH problem.

All my life I convinced myself I didn't want children because of the way I was treated as a child, and combined with PCOS (although my periods are a bit more regular after losing 6 stone) I gave up thinking about it. I'm nearly 30, I'm finally studying for a career five or so years away, and I cannot help but feel broody and feel the time is probably as right as it will ever be.

Part of my therapy is allowing the past to be exactly that - the past, and not to dictate my life; I want to be a mother - I want to teach my child that the world can be scary but it is beautiful too and I know I can do that well. I want to be able to hold something that is mine and my boyfriend's, made with love and dedication.

I'm just absolutely petrified, and have no idea how to go about it - I don't know how to conceive; I've had unprotected sex with my boyfriend countless times in the past without getting pregnant - I just fear that now I've finally made a decision, it won't happen and it could make my MH condition worse.

I'm sorry for the length of the post, and thank you for reading. Any advice would be really gratefully received. Merry Christmas xxx

Sorry to hear of whay you have been through. I know how difficult any decision can be with a mental health problem. It's sonething that crossed my mind when we decided to TTC also.
You seem to be aware of how you need to approach this, leaving the past behind and knowing you can give your child what it needs.
You have come this far, if you were to relapse, with support you could come back through. I think with how passionately you talk about having children then you need to put this behind you (I know its easier said than done) and look to your future.

Thank you @Treaclepie19 - I appreciate your reply.

I think my overwhelming issue is that right now, in a good "state", it seems so obvious that I should follow my feelings and go ahead with trying. My bad states leave me feeling so desolate and doubtful, not to mention reckless.

I am sorry to hear you have suffered also. It is such a leap of faith isn't it? My fears revolve around my apathy towards children in the past, and fearing that this is just a "phase" - albeit a phase I've never, ever had before. There is also the concern about finances - I don't work, and probably will not for a fair while (medically signed off) - this is positive for having children as we do manage well, plus I am studying part time and by the time I graduate, my child would be in school. I am lucky in that my boyfriend's mother would be more than happy to help too as she does not need to work. The negative is that we don't have a great deal of surplus income, and my income is benefit based so not particularly stable.

I know my family and OH's family would do whatever they need to do to help us through good and bad times. I guess I wonder how people manage with MH issues and children, and what to watch out for!

*towards having children - I love children!

Can I bump this? I was wondering if there were any other thoughts?

Personally I think you'd be more likely to regret not having children, than regret having them.

If you find that you have a fertility issue, then at least you can work towards dealing with that and moving on: at least then you wouldn't always have the 'what if' and the unknown.

You sound like you would make an amazing mother to be honest: you've thought about it more than a lot of women who get pregnant.

I would go for it, but be very honest about what support you feel you will need during pregnancy/postpartum and put that in place as soon as possible. As an analogy, if you were physically disabled, you could still have a baby, but you would need additional help during and after the pregnancy. Hormones can make you think and feel some very funny things, so you need your support system in place before they start getting to you.

Not having a baby could well be allowing your past to control your present, but that doesn't mean you should ignore it entirely: be realistic about its potential effects, but choose your path freely.

I'd go for it from a position of educated awareness (where, to be honest, you already seem to be).

I haven't had the experience of being in exactly the same situation as you, but my DH suffers from depression and for many years he was not ready to have children. There was no point in my pushing/nagging him and I accepted that.

Recently, he has felt much better and is ready for us to ttc. I don't expect him to be 'fixed' and it is likely that he will continue to have to cope with the illness when/if we have babies, but we're going into this with our eyes open.

We work to keep our relationship strong and have supportive family and friends. We both also have experience of being brought up by someone with mental issues, and know it can make life difficult. However, there's no such thing as a perfect family and you are not the same person as your Dad - if you want to parent differently, you will!

You sound like you've thought about this a lot. Have you discussed it with friends, family or your therapist? Since opening up and discussing our situation with friends, I have found that others have been in similar boats - it is more common than I thought.

You sound like a warm and caring person with a lot of love to give. I can imagine you being a great mum, if that's the decision you make. Good luck!

Oh goodness, thank you so much for all replies - I'm a bit teary.

I do have a great deal of love to give, and despite having a lack of that as a child I would be utterly determined to make sure my child would have what I lacked. It sounds as if I'm using a child to rewrite the past - I'm not, I've let go of that past and I want to show by way of doing something I was so petrified of before.

I worry - constantly. I fear that if I had a child I would never be able to relax, I can barely relax about the state of our house which is nowhere near as important as the health and wellbeing of a child.

I've discussed it with my family - my Mum, friends. Not yet my therapist, as we're only a few sessions in and isn't really about the "present" yet, rather rewriting the past issues. My boyfriend has said if in the spring, I still feel the same way, we will TTC. He agrees it is the best time, but needs to see that I have commitment to my thoughts - I can be flaky at times and disconnect from my commitments if I feel under pressure.

Thank you again x

It's completely normal to feel scared - everyone does. We can only do our best and guide our children and let them make their choices in life. It sounds like you have a very loving relationship and supportive partner which is more than many people have who are bringing children in to the world. I have a friend who chose not to have children due to a difficult relationship with her own mother. She turned 40 this year and her relationship was not in a happy place (much better now) and she expressed regret for the first time about not having children. It makes me wonder how long she has felt like this but not been able to say.
Maybe your experiences will make you a better mother because you have seen parenting at it's worst. You sound like a very strong person who is getting support in all the right places. TTC is quite a stressful business so try not to focus on it too much in the early days - just enjoy dtd!! I wish you lots of luck xx

I'm Bi-Polar and have no qualms about having children. I am worried about coping but have support systems in place ( GP, Therapy, Anti-Depressants, Husband, Friends, Work) which help in the tough moments, and there have been plenty!

Ttc for 11 months (2 mc) and it is HARD on top of mental illness! Each AF and friend announcing PG has been a bit of a blow. But you pick yourself up and keep going!

I have the same thoughts that I will give my future children a more stable childhood than I had so that the cycle isn't repeated! The most important thing is to remember to ask for help when you need it! Something I struggle with!

Good Luck and go for it!