Hello everyone
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this so please do point me in the right direction if not.
Most people in this forum seem to be in loving relationships where both partners desperately want to have a child. I am one step back: I am desperate to have a baby, my husband is not. We are fairly comfortable financially and both have good careers. We are healthy and in our early 30s. We have a very sharing relationship and both do our bit around the house. I love the thought of bringing a little version of 'us' into the world and sharing all the excitement/challenges/joy that would entail.
But my husband isn't committing to anything. When I first brought up the subject he said he really wanted a baby but that we couldn't afford it. I then saved up £3000, which I think is plenty to get started with. When I brought up the subject again, showing how our financial situation had changed he said 'I'm not sure our relationship is strong enough'. Now, in a way I think this is very responsible of him. Yes, of course a relationship should be strong before you have a child. But I thought it was. We have moved country twice in three years with our careers. We once bought a house, moved country and both started new jobs within three months. Those things are all stressful and we got through them. It wasn't easy but we did it.
The last thing I want to do is bully/manipulate him. I can go for months without mentioning anything baby related, even though it is on my mind constantly. But we are now at the stage where most nights I silently cry myself to sleep. In the evenings I say I am going to the gym when really I get there, sit in the car, and sob my eyes out. On the rare occasion I do break down in front of him, he just stares at me and does nothing. Sometimes I try to have a calm, adult conversation about his fears/worries/concerns and politely ask how he thinks our relationship could be stronger. But he offers nothing concrete and it makes me scream inside. Now I think the baby issue is undermining the relationship and we are in a catch 22.
How can I get him to open up? Am I being a mug? Is he just coming up with excuses? How do you know if your relationship is strong enough? Is it unreasonable of me to ask for some sort of timeframe for when he might be ready? Does the phrase 'our relationship isn't strong enough' actually mean he doesn't know if he loves me enough? How can he watch me be so deeply unhappy and do nothing?
Sorry this post is so long, I desperately needed to get it off my chest.
Thank you