DH fertility - if/when to get him tested...

[Orlea]

I recently found out that I have PCOS (having just come off the pill with a view to ttc) and have been talking to my GP about how it might affect fertility etc... He's been great and is sending me for all sorts of tests/consultations etc, so I'm feeling quite reassured that I'll have a good amount of info about my own fertility. GP has advised us to go ahead and ttc, and if nothing happens, then we can look at options. Great so far.

However, I am a bit OCD... I prefer to have all my info upfront, which in this case means finding out about DH's fertility too, right now, rather than say, ttc for a year and only then finding out that the problem isn't just me... I have no reason to think DH has a problem, but equally no reason to think he doesn't - no kids and never ttc before. I'd just like to know for sure what our situation is, rather than spend time trying only to find if it doesn't happen, that it might be because of DH rather than just because of me. I know this probably sounds really paranoid and OCD... I just don't want to put all my eggs in one basket (sorry).

I did discuss this with DH - probably wasn't the best timing, as it was right after my PCOS was confirmed and I was a bit emotional... The context was, as I have a condition that could affect my fertility, then wouldn't it be best to find out if there's anything wrong or not with him too (yes, I could have put it a bit better) and then if we do struggle to conceive, we'd know a lot earlier in the process whether it's just me or both of us who need help.

However, he's not keen on getting tested - he 'doesn't see the need just yet' despite acknowledging that this could delay the whole baby project! DH is also 9yrs older than me (I'm 32) and very broody, so we really don't want to waste any time, but he seems not to like the idea of getting tested to get all the info upfront, he'd rather just wait and see what happens even though he wants kids yesterday!

I know I am repeating myself trying to explain my thinking... I just am very aware of couples who ttc for months and years and only after so much time, find out that there is a problem, by which time the woman is that much older and has lower fertility than she might have had when they first started ttc, so chances of conceiving are lower than they could have been, had they had all the info upfront...

So what do you think? AIBU? Should I push for DH to get tested (privately, I presume)? Or should we just see what happens and only get DH tested if nothing happens in a year or two?

hi Orlea! I don't think you are unreasonable - I always want as much information as possible too. Fertility problems are often related to sperm quantity/quality and so yes it is definitely something that should be checked out. In our case we had a semen test done twice - first was a bit borderline but second one was OK.

However, there is no desperate hurry just yet, you have only just come off the pill so honestly sweetheart chill out a bit :) I think pushing it right now may not be the best plan - why not let the idea rattle around his head for a couple of months or so (it will take at least that long for all your tests to be done anyway) and then raise it again. I think leaving it for a year or two is a bit long, personally.

You can always try telling him that compared to your investigations / blood tests / getting poked about with, having a wank into a pot is a lot easier and nicer!

And I wouldn't assume that semen analysis would have to be done privately, it is a pretty commonplace thing and I should think your GP might arrange it if you asked. In our case I got the kit from the nurse when I was in for one of my blood tests. She had to check with one of the practice docs that it was OK to give me the kit, but it was fine. He didn't have to trek down the GP for another appointment just to get the pot and forms. Then all he had to do was produce the goods and I took the sample to the hospital lab on the way to work. (I tried to make it as easy as I could for him as I knew he wasn't that keen)

Don't assume though that although doing the test is easy enough for a bloke, that it is all psychologically easy too. He may be a bit scared about what the results might be, or need lots of reassurance that you will still want to be with him if the results aren't perfect.

If you have been diagnosed with PCOS you should now be referred to a gynae at a hospital's subfertility unit as a couple. This unit should test you both further in tandem; it is no point solely testing the woman only to discover far later on that there are male factor issues.

He likely thinks erroneously that semen analysis testing is a slight on his masculinity and or virility when it is not the case at all.

The best test of fertility is trying to get pregnant. I think you would be extremely premature to get your partner tested now.

(I am usually of the view that if it isn't happening both partners should get tested around the same time as it could be a problem on either side or both, but in this case I really think you need to try to get pregnant first as there might be no problem at all.)

BTW, milder cases of PCOS can often be well-controlled by eating a low GI diet (to keep blood sugar levels stable). The PCOS Handbook by Teresa Cheung is a good read. You might find you don't need any medical assistance at all.

Unless you are going to go private throughout, you'll only be considered (referred, investigated, treated) for infertility on NHS after a year of trying.

So knowing what may or may not be happening in your DH's semen won't really help you much ahead of that.

Could you compromise? Would he be readier to be tested after you've been trying for a few months? It would still be information in advance, but perhaps less stressy than medicalising everything from the off.

I think attila is correct here and any testing should be done in tandem. After all, it's far more expensive testing you compared to testing him.

As for your DH, wanking in a pot really isn't really a big deal. He's probably got the idea that he will be locked in a hospital room with a porno. Different places have different procedures and as the other poster said, in some instances he can do it at home and just drop the sample at the hospital (within a time frame obviously). Sorry, but I just think it's the least he can do?

Really wish you best of luck.