Is it ever the right time?

[happygoluckyinOz]

I've been on and off these boards for quite some time now, go backwards and forwards with "I want a baby now" and "Ugh no, children seem like hard work".

I get told constantly that there is 'never a right time' to have a baby and 'you just manage', but have so far held onto the belief that there has to be a right time sometime.... and I don't want to just manage, I want to be able to cope and provide for my future offspring.

I thought we'd have a baby by now, but life keeps throwing in its obstacles! So my history (life story):

I'm 30, DH is 29, we've been together since we were 19 and got married 3 years ago. We moved to Australia 2.5 years ago and have settled fairly well. We bought a house in February this year (big ole 4 bed on a big block of land) and we are fairly comfortable (or will be soon). We have debt, but it should be mostly cleared by February next year. The house does need some cosmetic work done to it that we haven't been able to afford as yet (new kitchen, bathroom, decorating) and our furnishings are fairly sparse. The debt and the lack of furniture is because we bought when DH was unemployed for 8 months and it knocked us for six financially. February will be when we are 'back on our feet' financially and can actually not be throwing all our disposable income and trying to pay off the credit card.

Support wise... my brother and his wife live here too, around an hour away. Although we don't really get on with his wife so I'm not sure how much support there will be there. My parents are making the move out here shortly and should be settled nearby in the next 10 months. We've made friends, who I'm sure would be around if called upon, none of whom have children yet, but I know most will be thinking about it in the next 12 months.

So reading that it doesn't seem like there should be many reasons why we can't start trying soon. But then we think... maybe we should wait until we've finished the house (or at least have some furniture), we are holidaying in Singapore in April for DH's 30th, we are flying back to England and stopping off in Rome for two weeks in June, and we'd like to go skiing in August.

It feels very hard to suddenly not plan anything for a while because we want to TTC. DH and I have a great relationship and I guess there is also an element of not wanting that to change...

Sorry for the ramble, I've no idea of the point, just wanted to see I guess if anyone else was finding the decision to start to TTC really difficult!

On, and on the right time thing, I drive myself potty looking at dates and trying to work out when would be best to conceive!

So I don't want bubs to have a birthday in Dec or Jan because of the proximity to Christmas, then I don't want to be heavily pregnant over summer here, so that counts out the months of Nov, Dec, Jan, Feb, Mar... then straddling two tax years (30 June) would be better financially for maternity leave purposes... and then the real crunch, if we wait until after Oct 2014 to conceive I'll be entitled to better maternity pay!

Like I said, I'm driving myself crazy!

I went through this with my DH. First we wanted to wait until after we married, then after we married until we had better paying jobs, then until after we had another big holiday, etc, etc. We realised in the end that we could go on like this forever. I think there are certainly 'better' and 'worse' times to TTC, but I don't really think there is a 'right time'. There will always be holidays you want to take, houses to decorate, work problems, issues in the family, etc, and these things are never going to go away. I spent some time on here and realised how many people take months / years to conceive, if they manage it at all, and realised slowly that it's not that easy to plan when you are going to conceive. I also realised that if I put it off a few more years (am 28 now) I might be making it harder to conceive as statistically once you get over your early thirties conceiving is harder. I decided in the end that if we put it off for months / years and then struggled to TTC I'd end up regretting all those months I'd put it off for, and that I'd regret that far more than having to postpone a holiday or similar. It's a very personal decision in the end and no-one can make it except you and your DH. I think also it's one those decisions that you need to make with your heart as well as your head, if you know what I mean.

Another one here that has been through this. I have a DD (15) and a loss from a previous marriage, I got pregnant early on in life (early 20's), twice. Before this I always thought "Yeah when I am 30, by then I will be more prepared and have lived more..." and it happened anyway, totally unplanned both times. Now I am 37 and remarried (since 9 years). I remember when we first married, we decided to give it a go 2 years in, then things got put to a stop due to my health, then came vacation, just wanting to spend some time just as us, money, etc, etc, etc, etc... So again I am 37 now and finally decided now is the "time" to really heavily try (we have actually tried 3 years on and off now). Guess what? I am going to be one of those hard to conceive cases as my hormones went horribly out of whack coming off the pill this time around and I am told I am no longer Ovulating and will need help.

I agree with KitKat, my DH and I have also hummed and hawed for the pats couple of years. But we're conscious that it may take longer than expected to conceive so now have started ttc but kept it to ourselves to avoid questions/pressure from friends/family. We are on cycle #2 (no BFP last month) so it's very early days. We will be the 2nd couple out of our friends to have a child. The other couple were desperate to have children and took 4 years along with IVF to finally have their healthy baby last month :) so it's different for all of us but I'd say if you are putting this much thought into it then you should jump on the shaggin' wagon and see what happens. I guess the time is right when it actually happens. Good luck!

There is never a right time, but there is sometimes a wrong time.
you cant really choose what month your baby's birthday will be. It may take months to conceive and if you limit yourself so much you will find it takes longer. The baby also wont care about interior design so long as it has a cot to sleep in.
sounds like you have a busy year coming up with your trips. Since you are still young i would say enjoy your year, try to get a few things in the house sorted and then ttc in october. The added maternity pay will make things easier for you and prevent you getting back into debt.
you don't have to put life in hold whenttc, pregnant people are allowed to go on holiday, you just don't book stuff too far in advance.

Just try, is my advice!

I think you are sensible to think about being financially secure and having some support around you, but naive to think you can plan the month you will conceive. You might be successful at the first try or it may take ages or you may need help. If you end up struggling to conceive then being pregnant in summer or having a Christmas baby will seem very unimportant.

Oh I'm well aware once we start the ttc I won't care about when the baby is born (and nigh on impossible for me to plan conception to the month!) the mere fact of getting pregnant will make us happy enough, just when I have so much time on my hands thinking about it I go into planning overdrive!

DH and I chatted about it over dinner last night and decided that trying to think of the "right time" will make us put it off, so we are going to get to zero with the credit card (should be January) and then I'll come off the pill & we'll leave it to 'fate' as it were - won't actively try but will see what happens!

Sounds like a good plan :)