Another child - logic or emotion?

[katymc1973]

So I'm 39. I have two gorgeous girls aged 15 and 13.
And... I think I want another child.

My mid-to-late 20s were spent bringing up babies then since 30 I've built up my career.
Last year I very unexpectedly found out I was pregnant though sadly miscarried a couple of weeks later. The pregnancy was a complete shock but I was so happy about it and completely gutted to lose it.
Thing is, this nagging feeling that I want another child just won't go away.
I keep trying to rationalise that it must be some hormonal natural reaction to being nearly 40 and too old

I'd always thought how brilliant my 40s are going to be as having children when younger meant I'd be free at that stage of my life - so why on earth do I want to risk my freedom to go "back" 20 years.
And what if I had another child, and then regretted the commitment I'd made... The thought of going back to doing daily school runs for example, urgh...

But it something I think of pretty much most days, some kind of "need".

I'd really appreciate feedback/ideas/perspectives from anyone else who can relate to how I'm feeling.

Thank you

sounds totally normal to me, from what i hear!

would the father be the same?

Despite thinking "you're mad, you're MAD" because I'm (38) and still at the coalface of crawling babies and nursery school and school runs, I think that you should give it some serious thought.

If this is something you (and your DH) really want, you'll make it work and enjoy it.

Your other kids are old enough that it won't even really have much of an impact on their lives because they're independent to be able to carry on pretty much as normal.

Good luck, whatever you decide :)

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate it

Yes, same father.
He's not exactly keen on the idea, much preferring me to "borrow" my niece and nephew to fill that need, than creating chaos in our own lives by bringing a baby into the mix of teenagers and busy working lives.

JYP your "MAD" comment has made me laugh as I wonder how much of the reality I've forgotten (memory is very selective when it needs to be).
I mean, I have it all - no longer need babysitters, children sleep in later than we do, they can cook, bring tea in the morning....

But, but, but...

I just don't want to get for it to be too late and think "I wish...."

"no longer need babysitters, children sleep in later than we do, they can cook, bring tea in the morning..."

"But, but, but... "

But it might actually be really cool, right? :)

If you had just ONE more, with all your experience and with built in babysitters teenagers to help out, it could be awesome.

I am NOT trying to talk you into it, but despite how knackered I am, it is still fun having little ones.

Plus, if it was just ONE - that's a while different ballgame. One baby you can bring most places, one toddler can sleep in your room when you go on exciting holidays.

It wouldn't have to tie you down all that much.

That's the other nice thing about having your (first) children young - you can have some big space out family if you fancy it. The option's yours.*

[*usual caveats apply]

you cant just have one. no. no. you need two. at least.

happy to help

:)

haha laughing at my desk to these replies!

Brilliant!
And reflect my life-view completely (even, maybe, the two bit, but am happy to gamble with just one more...)

Must work on DH and either rule out or go for it... Midwives is on later so that usually sparks some debate on the subject.

Just think it through very carefully, I had a child when I was 43 and to be honest, although there are lots of brilliant bits, sometimes it is hard in your late mid 50s supporting a teenager - many of my friends are at are very different stage in life and I am always the one having to rush back for school pick up/spend weekends driving to rugby matches etc etc etc. And I haven't even got to the really difficult teenage years yet .

just out of interest, who is in control of contraception

because you know, well, accidents do happen...

Ha yes, accidents do but I couldn't intentionally trick him....

Contraception is an interesting subject though as we don't exactly, just the good old withdrawal method....

Thank you Ragwort. This is so very true and I find this quite confusing. My 40s/50s child free (ish) could be the most amazing, exciting, unknown time... why jeapordise that opportunity. Having teens is like having toddlers again, the depth and breadth of emotion they put you through in the space of an hour - utter despair, anger, frustration, hurt - then such love, humour and utter pride that you've helped to create such amazing people

Despite the traumas I've always loved being a mum, and really think I could, would, do it all again.

Hi Katie, I understand your dilemma! Whilst not in quite the same situation, (I'm 32 and debating no3) I can quite understand that biological urge/need when every logical reason is screaming that you're insane for even thinking it!
I have two boys aged 5 and 6 and things have just become easier, ie they can entertain themselves more and are at school full time now.
BUT...I think I want another one!
So much so that I have been on and on at my OH so much that he has finally caved and agreed to it and we've been trying for 3 weeks so far.
Problem is, I'm now bricking it a little bit and thinking 'what am I DOING??'
Now I'm not sure whether I do really want this or whether to jump back on the pill this second!

Should it be heart/hormones or head? X

You would be properly mad to have two more.

That wouldn't be a happy bonus baby.

That would be all the stress and work of a whole other family much younger than the first one.

Arggh that's the other fear...twins!! Can you imagine?!

I know exactly what you mean! We have just started ttc no 3 after much debate we are on cycle 2. I have a dd almost 11 and a ds almost 8.
I'm 36 so a little younger but we just decided to go for it. We have been having discussions since last October and finally decided to start in August.
Good luck whatever you decide.

My situation is similar to yours - I'm older at 42 with two girls of 10 and 7 and found myself unexpectedly pregnant last year. It was such a shock at first but was then really looking forward to the new addition. When I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks I too was gutted as I'd started to imagine a new version of our future and was really happy. I think the loss made that desire even stronger so we decided to try again but that too ended in miscarriage at 10wks at the end of August.

We are now debating whether to try one last time and like you, my head and heart can't agree. Logic tells me we shouldn't try for so many reasons - our age and the implications of this in terms of health, energy and finances, the age gap between a baby and the girls, going back to sleepless nights and nappies, the thought of a toddler, teenagers and a menopausal mum in the same house, having to give up eating out and foreign holidays, and even the fact that chicken kievs come in packs of 4 not 5! This is assuming of course that I actually got to give birth to a baby rather than face another anxious early pregnancy and then traumatic mc. DH is not enthusiastic about trying again either but would 'go with the flow' as he says, so I feel that the decision is on my shoulders.

Despite all that, my heart feels really heavy at the thought of never having DC3 and I will always regret not trying sooner. The miscarriages really brought home how much I would have loved another child. I have to accept that it probably won't happen for me now and hope I can get to a point where I can enjoy what I have rather than what I haven't.

I know I haven't helped, but I completely understand your struggle between logic and emotion and hope you find a solution. Good luck whichever path you choose!

This is a real heart/head dilemma, and one I struggled with for years. DH was adamant he didn't want a third for practical and financial reasons (which my head completely agreed with), but I couldn't quite let it go with my heart. It led to much debate/argument over the years. He finally changed his mind, as he realised I would never be able to get rid of that nagging "what if?" I'm now 19 weeks pregnant with DC3. I'm 39 and my other two will be 12 and 9 when the baby arrives and we couldn't be happier as a family about the exciting times ahead!

I don't think you are mad at all. Its understandable and, if it feels like the right thing, and you DH agrees, why not stop contraception for a while and just see what happens?

Thank you all so much for sharing - it's lovely to hear other people's stories!
It seems this is a common dilemma.
I know - absolutely know - that if we had a 3rd we would and could make it work as a family, yes it would be chaotic but I secretly love the chaos that a family brings.

Comfy - that is wonderful news and has made me grin, exciting times indeed. And ELR, good luck ttc!

Woolly... I've thought about your post a lot since reading it last night, and you have worded so much more eloquently how I am feeling. I love that phrase "a new version of our future" because that is how I felt (and what I then lost). And I guess I thought, well over a year on now, I'd be either a/ pregnant again or b/ over the idea of it.

I do feel heavy-hearted at idea of either never having another child or never being pregnant again. Dare I say it's more the means - ie pregnancy - than the end - the baby - that I'm focused on and would love to experience, that I feel sad I'm not.

And why I'm worried that I'm not thinking through the consequences very clearly!

But to not even try for a 3rd child, and take the risk again of mc (completely get the feeling of never again because of risk of that) is going to leave me feeling completely cheated.

I want to give that version of my future a chance.

Go for it. We are (got a BFP this week) our two are 9 and 10. I'm nearly 39 and it felt 'right.' Good luck and keep us posted.

I reckon the second you pee on the stick and discover you're preggers you will be so delighted and any doubts you may have now will evaporate. Do it, having number 3 is unbelievably wonderful!

Thank you everyone. Sadly my DH doesn't share my enthusiasm or dream, so it won't be happening. x