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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

Has anyone made the decision NOT to try ivf?

14 replies

rabbitonthemoon · 12/09/2013 17:26

That is all really. Almost three years into ttc this is rapidly approaching in the next couple of months after a long wait. I recognise it is normal to have nerves (read sheer dread) about it but this feels more than that. I am not sure I have the emotional energy to put myself through something that has far more chance of breaking my heart than getting me a baby. I am 36 with high fsh. It feels more like I am doing this for other people, my husband, my parents than me? My husband would fully support this decision but I know he would be disappointed to not even try. I just wonder what it would feel like to just Stop Trying and use condoms and start the adoption process. No more waiting, no more hoping for a pregnancy. I fully understand that the adoption process is not easy and I would give myself a year or two to grieve and move on first. Any experiences? Any thoughts?

OP posts:

eurochick · 12/09/2013 18:02

Hi rabbit. I came close but just couldn't turn my back on IVF. I sort of wish it had never been invented though. It is gruelling but it's there and I felt like I had to try so I didn't have any regrets.

I hate everything about the process though - the drugs, the forms you have to fill in to prove you are deserving of a child (that don't apply to natural conceivers, only the barrens), the doctors, the invasiveness, the feeling like a piece of meat rather than a person.

But I've done it three times and I will probably do it again.

juneau · 12/09/2013 18:07

I have a good friend who did one cycle and then walked away. She found it a real ordeal - all the injections, she felt terrible from the artificial hormones, the disruption to her life, the build-up and expectation followed by crushing disappointment when it didn't work. She already had one DC though and has a very 'if it's meant to happen, it will' attitude and they continued to try naturally for ages - AFAIK they still are - but she's soon to be 44 and her DH's sperm have very low motility and serious DNA damage so the natural method was always a long shot. They have one beautiful, healthy DC though, so given the situation they feel very blessed.

resipsa · 12/09/2013 18:14

I said I'd never do it but that was before I knew the all-consuming nature of infertility (secondary in my case so I am faced with daily contact with very young children). We went for it against DH's better judgement. We failed but I now plan to try with donor eggs which I also said I'd never do. I just can't let it go but that's me not you and if you feel that you've had enough, maybe it's enough.

Hi euro.

Thatsnotmychicken · 12/09/2013 18:14

We chose not to do ivf, we were both approaching forty and decided adoption was the route for us. We had a number of friends who had been through ivf unsuccessfully (some successful ones too) and I was petrified of experiencing the heartache they had. I had been feeling under loads of pressure with all the ttc and felt getting pregnant had become more important than actually being a mother which is what I wanted in the first place.

Adoption is by no means an easy option but it did feel that we were working towards something attainable. I do wonder though what might have happened had we tried but I feel I wasn't meant to have a baby but I am the mother of two amazing little girls and that feels so right

Good luck with whatever you choose

resipsa · 12/09/2013 18:17

Chicken that's inspiring stuff. I wish all the best to you and your girls.

akuabadoll · 13/09/2013 05:34

Hi rabbit I chose not to do IVF, it was a very ill educated choice (by which I don't mean it was the wrong one) I never so much as googled it or found out if it was possible for me in the most basic senses. I was just 'sure' it was not for me in some way I can't even unpick now. Adoption made much more sense to me and was something I always wanted, with or without bio children.

Perhaps my nomadic circumstances obscured the AC opinons, they certainly made it less obtainable at certain points but this arguement is actually more valid, in my case, for adoption and it didn't stop us in this regard. As you know, more than 10 years after stopping the pill and one adopted chlild later I did IVF 'out of the blue' in changed circumstances and with an altered perspective.

I realise this version has little relevance for you but I guess that's my point really. Our circumstances and views are all so different and to complicate matters further are not static. I wanted also to wish you well and hope that you find your way through. x

Hi there euro

Tishtash2teeth · 13/09/2013 05:47

Me and my husband decided ivf wasn't something that we wanted to do. It was a very difficult decision to make as it seemed that ivf was the next logical step. I remember telling a friend that I was considering adoption and she told me "don't be so stupid!". For me every time I thought about ivf I felt angry and negative, and I'm not even sure why!

In the end we decided to trust our instincts and we began the adoption process. Before we started I researched adoption thoroughly so I was aware of the negatives ANC the positives. It was by far the biggest life decision we had ever made and the best one. My gorgeous, funny, clever little man came home last November and we adore him. Be prepared that adopted children will have some emotional, behavioral and/or physical issues due to early abyse/ neglect.

Good luck in making your decision. We actually booked a place on an adoption info evening and in the month beforehand made the decision not to decide until then.

Original poster

rabbitonthemoon · 13/09/2013 17:16

Thank you everyone who has added here (wave to doll and euro) it has been really helpful to me. It helps to know that there are people who have made this decision and their feelings around it. Chicken you hit the nail on the head about protecting myself from the heartbreak of it all. I am going to go to both my first ivf consult and an adoption evening and then give myself some time to process how things and how we feel as a couple.

OP posts:

baggyb · 14/09/2013 07:37

We're on the waiting list for the assisted conception unit so are probably still a good wee while away from IVF however we're both not convinced it would be the right thing for us. I don't think I'm mentally or emotionally strong enough to put myself through it. Hopefully it won't get to that stage though!

Original poster

rabbitonthemoon · 14/09/2013 16:15

Baggy, really hope you don't need it. Think after nearly three years I probably do mores the pity.

OP posts:

Sparrowlegs248 · 14/09/2013 21:40

Hello there - just an anecdote. A very close friend had a history of large ovarian cysts needing surgery. Her husband had (in my words)....slow confused swimmers. They had triednaturally for about 6 yrs. They had ivf. Shehated every second, was vile with the hormones. Hated the invasiveness. But first cycle worked and they are now the proud parents of twins. A boy and a girl.

HesterShaw · 14/09/2013 22:08

I am the same as you Rabbit - have been TTC for three and a half years, have had two failed IUIs and am waiting now for IVF. But I really don't want it. The thought of failing at yet something else is a dreadful one. At the moment I would rather choose to stop, thought I am still on the waiting list. Adoption isn't something we could do either, so the choice is IVF or no children for us. No sooner as I think I have come to terms with being childless though, then something happens which makes me think we should give it a try at least.

foxybingodotcom · 14/09/2013 22:18

Rabbit, I felt very much like you did before my first cycle and in my case it was pretty much fear of opening myself up to more devastation and everyone tells you how awful IVF is and I was scared of becoming even more of a basket case than I already was...

That said I had a need to exhaust every option, so I went ahead and IVF for me (short protocol) wasn't bad at all, no major mood swings, worked through and felt fine. I didn't fall pregnant with the fresh cycle or two frozen transfers and although it was devastating you've been there before: month after month and its not much worse really,iykwim? With my second (and last) attempt I got pregnant with my son who is now 2. I'm definitely glad I tried but this is only 1 persons story I know.

Sorry if I've wittered on!

fivepies · 14/09/2013 22:31

Rabbit, my DH and I were told we couldn't conceive naturally after investigations. IVF with ICSI was recommended but we were told our chances weren't great. We decided not to go ahead, for a couple of reasons. We, or rather I, felt like we were on an unstoppable train which only had one stop, IVF. I didn't know if I could handle IVF on the NHS (several bad experiences with the investigations) and couldn't afford private treatment. While mulling it over we talked a lot about having children and firmly decided that it wasn't for us. So after over 3 years of trying we decided to stop. I made an appointment to get a coil fitted, but before that i feel pregnant without assistance (but miscarried). We were devastated and it, of course, made us rethink our decision. We still didn't have IVF but fell again (and again) and now have 2 DDs. To this day I look back and can't decide how much of our decision not to have IVF was us wanting to protect ourselves from the potential heartache of trying IVF, and ending to really want a baby to be able to get through it, but not succeeding. I don't think we wanted to admit how much we wanted a family, but we did a really good job of valuing what we did have and making plans for the future in positive ways that didn't include children.
Whatever you decide I wish you all the best x

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