Feeling a bit fobbed off and patronised - should I be?

[murielspark]

I had a gyno appointment today for something non-TTC related (painful periods), and at the end she saw on my records that I've been TTC for 7 months now and asked if I had any questions about this.

I told her that in the seven months of trying I'd never had any fertile cm (eggwhite or watery), and asked what I could do to improve this. (I'm already trying loads of stuff but wondered if she'd say anything new).

She instantly came out with a long spiel about how women shouldn't try to track these things, there's no need, you're fine, you will just make yourself stressed and stress will harm your chances, just have sex twice a week and don't worry about the rest.

I explained that no on the contrary I'm relaxed about it, I'm not stressed, and that knowing things helps me and I'd rather be knowledgable than clueless about these matters. (I was also thinking to myself, 'sex twice a week is crap advice, it's easy to miss your fertile period if that's all you do' ). She just repeated herself at that point, and implied that women shouldn't access this information about their bodies as it makes them too stressed.

I came out of the appointment thinking 'what a load of balls'. If she, a gynaecologist, was trying to conceive, would she really just lie back and leave it to chance, or would she notice her cm and furrow her brow if it wasn't fertile during ovulation? I think the latter. She was basically patronising me because I'm not a medical doctor and therefore (she thinks) shouldn't me worrying my little head with 'the science bit' as Jennifer Aniston used to say on those shampoo ads.

Am I being unreasonable? Do any of you have experience of this?

Oh, and excuse typos

I would feel the same as you. Sure, some women would just stress out over that information if you're asking for it, that's your right. It's your body and I can't believe she thought women didn't need to know about their own bodies! Can you ask to see someone else instead?

I think you're very right to be annoyed. Frankly, I think she's a disgrace to her profession telling you you don't need to know - it's your body ffs, information shouldn't be hidden from you!!!

slightly different scenario but when I went for my 12 week scan the sonographer was very reluctant to tell me the NT measurement fearful in a v patronizing way of what I would do with this info . Seemed shocked that I had researched this and was able to speak on her ' level' iyswim 're interpreting meaning from said data. I think u r right to feel a bit patronized. I have found these forums contain a lot of knowledge and advice (yes and prob some b.s. b.s.) ...and I would consider maybe another doc? Good luck x

I'd be more stressed by her poor response and inappropriate comments than by working out my cycle!!!!
Hope you feel better op

She was not helpful as well because stress does not cause such problems to arise in the first place. Its physical problems that do this.

I would like to know what she thought about your painful periods. I ask this as endometriosis is a common cause of very painful periods.

yeah, that's bad. Not knowing what your cycle is like and dtd twice a week will surely lower your chances! It's better to be aware, which you can do without becoming stressed, and maximise your chances over the fertile period. Very patronising indeed.

By the way, maybe you get ewcm at your cervix, so you don't notice it.

In some respects she is right, in others the gynae was wrong. She was right in that so many women think that they know their fertile time, that instead of just regular intercourse, they shag like crazy on a few days, and actually miss their real fertile time. Everyother day is good advice, to avoid people missing their fertile time accidentally. Reliance on OPK's and CM can be misleading for many women, and even worse, is the idea of a calender that tells you when your fertile days are, but I know you are not in this category.

Stress has been shown to affect early pregnancy, in that miscarriages are fewer in women who have been given more reassurance that all is well. So it is possible that stress does play a part, it is not the cause of infertility by any means, but it clearly does have some effect. Having said that, if a woman is stressed by not knowing, then knowing is surely helpful!!!!!

So whilst I think that she was right to say just go for regular sex, I think that if she implied that women should not even know about their cycles then she was wrong, as it is clearly not helpful to you to have this answer, as you want more information.

As an aside, I assume you have tried pre-seed for the lack of cm?

Thanks all I think this gyno gave me a good insight into the kind of conversations I can expect to have with specialists if I ever need to go on to having fertility treatment - I imagine it's crawling with patronising experts who not only expect you to know nothing about your body, but actually want you to know nothing. apprenticemamma that's just the sort of thing I'm talking about - Drs who practically babytalk at you and get almost hostile if you show signs of having done some research yourself. It's all very pre-enlightenment if you ask me: knowledge is dangerous in the hands of the masses, is best guarded by a chosen few and all that

Attila yes, the appt was mainly to establish whether I could have endo and whether to book a laparoscopy. However, during the 10 weeks I've been on the waiting list I switched from disposable to cloth pads for my periods, and since then they have been getting shorter and are a billion per cent less painful, so we're assuming that I don't have endo for now

willitbe yes I am keeping pre-seed manufacturers in hot dinners at the moment

blamber I totally agree, if anything her advice would actively lower someone's chances of conceiving! Bad gynaecologist! As for cm, yes I check at the source, the cervix. I'm going to just have to keep doing what I'm doing, and if I don't get pregnant in the next five-to-six months I'll hopefully find a better Dr to discuss it with at that point. I'm thinking about maybe seeing a fertility nutritionist or something, but I doubt they'll suggest anything I'm not already trying.

"I imagine it's crawling with patronising experts who not only expect you to know nothing about your body, but actually want you to know nothing."

"It's all very pre-enlightenment if you ask me: knowledge is dangerous in the hands of the masses, is best guarded by a chosen few and all that"

Wow, harsh no?? I know lots of these people and have rarely found them to be anything other than kind and sympathetic. They know that everyone has researched everything to death these days by the time they get an appointment.

I think willitbe's post is helpful, gynaecologists rarely recommend OPKs, temping, charting etc as they feel it to be unreliable. She was just offering her opinion about stress, just DTD twice a week etc.

I have charted etc and used OPK's and DID find it helpful (have 3 DC now), there is tons of information available online and lots of nice people here to ask questions of so please don't be put off and assume that all HCP will like your gynae who you obviously don't like.

Hope you get your BFP soon.

Sorry didn't mean to be harsh, I was just saying what I now imagine fertility specialists to be like based on my experience with this gynaecologist (who has also 'worked in fertility', she said). Her attitude worried me is all.

I know she was just giving an opinion, but she was also refusing to answer or even entertain my question! It was as if she thought I shouldn't be allowed to even know these things I did quite like her up until that point, but no one likes feeling put in their place or made to feel stupid. It reminded me of how Drs used to talk to me when I was 15...