Did anyone have a bad childhood and have anxiety about becoming a mother themselves?

[Tigerstripes]

I'm getting to the age (32) where I need to decide whether or not to have children. I have been with my husband for 12 years and we have been married for two.

My sister and I were brought up by nannies and barely saw my parents. My mother was (still is) an alcoholic and I have not seen her for about seven years. My relationship with my father was sporadic at best and we stopped contact for good about two years ago.

I have never been interested in babies and deliberately avoid ones that are brought into work. However, I became a secondary teacher a few years ago, after realising I liked older kids. I find teenagers great!

So, what I worry about is:

1. Some people should never be parents. How do you know and am I one?
2. What if I have a child and I turn into my mother?
3. Is my disinterest in babies an obvious sign?
4. If I did go ahead and get pregnant, I don't do babies, I have no family to help, DH's family lives far away. Surely this would end in disaster?

Does anyone have any similar experiences that they could share or have any light to shed on my worries?

Thanks.

Ok...

1. the only people.who should never have babies are the ones who will harm them. If you can imagine yourself harming a child, then dont have one. 2)To be simplistic, you wont. You arent an alcoholic, you know her shortfalls, you know what not to do 3)Tbh I am not interested in babies. I generally am.ambivalent to children unless I really get to know them - I figured I wpuld really get to know.my own child and therefore would end up liking them (nb, I adore her!) 4)You dont need outside help. Its a bonus. Outsource other things, like your cleaning and ironing and shopping. Childcare is expensive but usually only for the first three years.

No one can tell you whether you should or shpuldnt have a child - my want for a child came from imagining myself in 25 years.time. If I didnt have kids, it.might be something I came to regret.

I.knew I wouldnt regret having a child.

Fuck me I cant spell.

Tiger - People who shouldn't have children are generally not the type of people that would even question if they should be parents. They just don't give it much thought and have them and then either hurt them or neglect them.

You know your mother's shortcomings so it's unlike you will turn into her.

Many great mothers love their own child but can't stand other people's kids.

Re dealing with babies, I think when it's your own you might feel differently.

I had a somewhat difficult childhood and I often worry about kind of parent I would be. I have no relationship with my father and my mother and I have a difficult relationship at best but it is improving. I was very worried about trying for a baby at first. Now almost 4 yrs later and I still have no children I have had a lot of time to think and I know I will do things differently from how my parents did.

I think you should also consider speaking to a professional about your fears. Talking it out might help you put thoughts in perspective.

I dread the thought of turning into my mother - me and my sister were always being hit and screamed out. We lived in complete fear of her. My sister has got 2 children and although she never hits them, and never would, sometimes when she shouts at them I see aspects of my mother's personality.

I worry about what kind of parent I will be and whether I will turn into my mother. I sincerely hope not!

I really feel for you OP. However, honestly, you seem so reflective I'd be shocked if you 'turned into' your mother.

Even in the worst case scenario - you have kids and and in moments of extreme frustration you feel like you think your mother might have felt, I bet you'd just get help and get over those feelings pretty quickly.

I also think that you should remember you'd still be still the person you've always been if you do have kids - if you don't have major instabilities, drink or anger problems now, why would they emerge?

I was never broody/a big fan of babies personally, but I adore my little boy. I'm not sure broodiness has much to do with it.

None of this is to persuade you to have kids - ultimately you have to weigh up what you want - but just to reassure you that it is a bit of a leap of faith for many people - you can't 'know' exactly how it'll be in advance so you just have to decide either way and most of us cope fine regardless of background. Inner and outer resources - love and support, inner strength, which in some cases can include the lessons learned from a difficult experience from your own past - are what helps.

I had an abortion because my mother convinced me I couldn't cope and I was afraid because I'd never really liked or wanted babies and I had no-one to help me when it arrived. It was the worst mistake I ever made, and now I desperately want children. Sometimes you don't know how much you want a baby until you're pg or lose one. You're considering it so carefully I'm sure you'd never be a bad mam. If you have a baby and there's no-one to help, you'll make it work.

Thank you all for your advice. I have no one to talk to in real life about this stuff so your kind words are really appreciated.

OP - I just wanted to say that I understand your concerns. I have an alcoholic mother and a (largely) disinterested father. I have had two ectopic pregnancies and am getting ready to start IVF.

Unlike you, I have always liked children but since I realised I'd have problems having my own I have been avoiding them like the plague. I think this is because as a child of an alcoholic we are so used to having our feelings not matter and thinking that strong feelings are bad so we avoid situations that make us feel things. Could there be any truth in this for you? You are scared you won't make a good parent so you avoid feeling any attachment to children so you can make a logical decision about whether to have them or not. I'm not saying this is conscious or even right but it might ring true.

I've read a couple of books on adult children of alcoholics which I have found very interesting. Sometimes it takes other people (or books) to point things out.

I am terrified that I will go the way of my mother but I have to believe that I would find support before it got to that stage. I had found myself getting close to the edge recently (with the stress of infertility and pregnancy losses) so have sought counselling which - although at the time feels like nothing more than talking seems to be helping a bit.

I'm not going to pretend I know you, only you can decide what is right, but don't deny yourself the chance of something wonderful for fear of the unknown. You are a good age now but if in 5 years you change your mind it may be harder.

Good luck. X

Hi TigerStripes,

I'm in much the same position as you. My mother left when I was quite young, grandparents stepped in and raised my brother, sister, and I but it was a very troubled household. Lots of bullying and emotional abuse, a little physical. Never been interested in having children of my own until a year ago. When I started to think about the possibility of having children I started to get really anxious and depressed. I've seen 2 mothers do a terrible job, seemed inevitable I would too.

I've got to the stage now, however, where I tell myself that I will be a better mum because of my my upbringing. I know the warning signs, and I know what it is like as a child to grow up in that kind of environment and so I will love and protect my child. I'm still terrified, still completely anxious. Since deciding I want to TTC, my cycles have been all over the place after being regular all my life so I think the anxiety is affecting my physically, but I know I can do this. I keep focusing on the exciting side of starting a new phase of my life and building my own little family.

I don't have any other support either, just me and my very understanding DP.

Be strong. Good luck

Hi Tiger, I came across this post and I'm going threw some very similar stuff now I'm 31. What ended up happening I notice this was in 2013?