When do I give up?

[ricecakesrule]

today. Bit of a back story - happily married with a lovely ds who is 2.5. No problems conceiving him although I did have a v early miscarriage before him, I think due to ttc too soon after having implant removed.

Anyway, when ds reached 1, I suddenly felt the need to expand our brood, mainly to give ds a sibling, and also because it suddenly seemed as though the nightmare of the first few months was worth it for the little person it produced, this feeling has grown as my ds is an awesome toddler! Dh took a bit longer to be convinced so we started ttc no 2 around June 2012.

Again, fell pregnant almost straight away, happy days. Went for 12 week scan in September to be told baby hadn't progressed past 8/9 weeks, no heartbeat. Hadn't miscarried so then booked in for "procedure" [shudder]. Horrible time, sure ladies on here been through just as bad and worse though.

So fast forward to now and we have effectively been TTC since then with no luck. Every month is a rollercoaster of emotion and is slowly driving me insane. I don't want a huge gap between dcs, 3 years is about my preferred maximum which would mean I needed to be pregnant this month - today being that yet again it hasn't happened. Time to give up?

Sorry for your losses. I am no expert but some friends in a similar position and had decided to absolutely not go down the IVF route got a course if Clomid and were lucky enough to fall pregnant that way.

If you feel you have it in you, you could give it one last shot...

You're probably thinking about it to much! Relax! My cousin ttc for years (8) she was doing all the "got to have sex these days" etc as she was absolutely desperate for a baby, they then went down the Ivf route had twins, then about 4 months after the twins were born she fell pregnant

So sorry you're having such a horrible time ttc Rice. I would say that is you're sure you don't want a bigger age gap than it would be already don't continue, you can't go back in time.
But, if you're just feeling fed up with the emotional rollercoaster it might be worth hanging in there. You know you can conceive from your previous pregnancies so that's a good sign. Only you and your DH can decide if you can cope with carrying on though.
I hope it works out for you.

Thanks ladies, so difficult to relax when you want it so much!! But I do know what you mean, hear loads of stories like that. Don't think dh would go for ivf..... Suppose we should think about having tests though to see if there's anything wrong. I presume they would get you to do that before doing ivf anyway?

I don't know when you give up.... we've been ttc number 2 for ages as well and I totally get the emotional roller coaster every month. What does "giving up" mean to you? Would you start using contraception? Would you think about adopting? Or will you just stop temperature taking and peeing on ovulation sticks?

I would love to be able to say to DH "let's stop trying, lets just leave it to nature and if it happens, it happens". But I'm not there yet, I think he probably is....

I am really sorry to hear about your losses, it must make it all the harder.

Thanks cupcake. It's dh that really has a bee in his bonnet about the age gap, although I completely see his point. I have said to him that I want to keep trying until Xmas, just makes me sooooo that it's only another 3 months of trying then. And how weird would it feel to go onto contraception knowing I don't feel we're done trying! Will be hard to come to terms with but I guess thousands of women go through this (and many don't even have the blessing of already having a child).

Don't call me - I'm not even doing the ovulation stick thing, but feeling like we may go that way. I think if we stopped trying it would mean contraception, because of dh and the age gap thing. He wouldn't be pleased with an 'accident' a year or so down the line. It's difficult when you're not quite in the same place as your partner isn't it? He's sad that it upsets me when af arrives, but he'd be fine if we didn't have another one.

Don't think he'd consider adoption at this point either, and tbh the pull for me is having another one of our own - biologically. It's an amazing thing to do though, my parents fostered and it would definitely be something I'd think about once ds is older.

I'm not sure a "deadline" is that productive as it surely builds the pressure ("only 3 more chances, only 2 more chances, its got to work this month etc"). I can see the point in having a point where you say, thats probably it, but surely its a "lets see how we feel at Christmas" rather than "if its not happened by Christmas, thats it". I suppose it depends which is stronger ? your desire for a child or your absolute certainty that any gap bigger than 3 years exactly isn't going to work for your family? That seems quite harsh in my view but I appreciate its drawing a line under it, moving on, getting on with other things in your life.

Totally agree with Mandy - you need to see how you feel at a certain point not just say that's it, that's the end. To me, 'giving up' would mean not using contraception but not obsessing over things in the same way and it would be a shame if you couldn't even feel like you can't do that.

I agree with mandy21 that setting yourself a deadline might actually be adding to the pressure. I have been ttc my first for over 3 years and I feel much better now that I don't set my self targets such as I must be pregnant by xmas, by my birthday etc. Trying hard is not the reason it's not happening so don't be fooled by the just relax rubbish that's spouted. Yes, relaxing is good for your state of mind but it won't be the magic key to getting pregnant. Have you spoken to your GP and had the standard fertility checks carried out? I also think you need to think about how important the age gap is for your family, if your desire to have another baby is stronger then I think you should stop thinking about the age gap and accept that things like this to always happen to plan.

rice I don't have any answers but am going through similar. My DS is almost four and we have been seriously trying since before he was one. I got pregnant earlier this year but miscarried which was devastating. We have had tests, nothing to be done, we could have private ivf but don't want to go down that road when it appears there is no reason we aren't conceiving. I'm mainly a SAHM and feel redundant with DS in preschool. I want to go back to uni to retrain but I feel like my life is on hold. I'm not sure we'll ever give up, we both want another so much.

Sorry for the moan, just wanted to say you're not the only one struggling with dc2.

I agree with the poster who said a deadline isn't helpful. And re age gaps, I have a sister seven years younger, and we are very close.

Just one thought - after my first mc at 10wks my hormones were really wonky and I had terrifically long cycles. Despite conceiving DC1 first time, we just couldn't seem to get pregnant.
Then I tried accupuncture after reading good reviews on here and conceived first time afterwards. Sadly we lost that baby too but I'm sure the acupuncture will help get my cycles back on track quicker.

Have you tried any of the alternative stuff? Reflexology is well recommended too and no side effects other than feeling chilled out.

I think you should do a few things before you 'give up'.

Do you know if you are ovulating for a start? If you aren't, then that would be the problem. If you are, then you might need to tweak the times you have sex to make sure they are optimum. The website Fertility Friend is highly rated.

But anyway in answer to your question 'When do I give up' I would say that if you are sure you want another child you are a long way from needing to give up because you have physically and mentally exhausted all available options.

If you 100% only want the age gap you want then it will be time to give up soon. You can't go backwards in time!

People are generally referred for testing if they have been unsuccessfully TTC for 12 months, I think.

Mandy - yep the pressure ! I think the thing is we've already gone past the point dh was happy with. I'm currently a sahm working a couple of days a week in a checkout, before we had ds I was in a career. So I think part of it is making a decision on what I'm going to do career wise, I don't want to get back into a career to immediately go back off for another couple of years..... Equally don't want to be on the checkout for years waiting for baby 2 if that's never going to happen and I could have been retraining etc in that time. Crystal ball gazing huh?!

Thanks all - I think you're right, I do need to look at testing etc just to check there's nothing physically stopping it happening, just had a look at nhs and they say 12 months of TTC or 6 months if complicating factors eg surgery. Re ovulating, no I don't even know if this is happening so will have a look at the site you suggested and maybe get some home test kits, good idea.

The age gap thing is more about our lifestyle tbh. We are loving having a toddler but neither of us adored the baby stage and dh in particular found it quite limiting, I think he just feels that a larger gap = longer in the baby zone when really he wants to be climbing trees with them etc!! I have pointed out that the baby stage is not optional, it's a precursor to them becoming toddlers

I'm in a similar situation, been TTC second child for nearly a year and have had two miscarriages. We conceived my daughter so quickly, but this time it's just not happening which I'm assuming is my age as I'm 38 now.

I have decided to give up this time next year. My daughter will be 3.5 then and I will be 39, I've got it in mind that I don't want a newborn on my hands when I turn 40 and I don't want to do the whole baby thing again once my daughter is about to start school. My rationale behind this is that when I turn 40 and DD is at school, it's time for me to focus a bit on myself again. Whether I will actually give up when/if that time comes I just don't know!

I really want another child, but it's more for DD to have a sibling I think. I will be ok with it we don't manage to have a second, but very disappointed and sad for DD (and a little bit for myself if I'm honest, I always envisaged having two).

Sorry you are going through the same, it's not an easy decision. My DB and his wife have a four year gap between their kids due to similar problems with conceiving the second, and now that the youngest is a bit older they get on really well so a bigger gap isn't necessarily disastrous.

I think 'giving up' entirely is a very drastic step not to be taken lightly...and something which needs to be decided by both of you as in the future I would be worrying about regrets and what ifs?

I totally sympathise with you, I have been ttc dc2 for over a year with a miscarriage and ectopic (and tube removal) in between. I am devastated and heartbroken every month that my period arrives but I don't intend to give up any time soon. My longing for another child is so strong and I have to say if my dh said he wanted to stop it would quite likely be a deal breaker for me. l also didn't want a big age gap, 2 or 3 years at most but now I've passed that its just something I have accepted and I'm prepared to extend my leniency towards an age gap whether it be 4, 5 or 6 years.

I am still quite young although doesn't make it easier I suppose I have a bit of time on my side. How old are you and your DH, just wondered if that was affecting your feelings.

Like others have said I still think you have a lot of options to explore...so personally I wouldn't be giving up at Christmas. But it's your life and I understand that you have your husband's feelings to consider too. I wish you lots of luck in whatever you decide, and hope you get caught in the next few months x

Another one in a similar situation. DH and I have had all the fertility tests and all have come back fine, in fact better than expected for my age (just turned 39), but I have one last test to have (HSG I think it's called). Have been TTC DC2 since last April (2012) and had a MC in July last year that they weren't able to confirm wasn't ectopic (natural MC but HCG levels led them to think that it might have been ectopic).

We set time-limits some time ago that we have already passed. DD is 4 and starts school in September and as much as we didn't want a big gap we are now looking at it as an advantage because we won't be paying our for two lots of childcare.

I have emailed a local lady who does acupuncture following someones suggestion on here so maybe look at that route.

But if your DP is really set on not having a big age-gap, then your situation is obviously more difficult than mine. Maybe you need to work on changing his mind about that instead of putting pressure on yourselves by setting strict limits... Good luck.

Just to add ? not that it really helps the decision ? but it took 18 months (and I have short cycles so about 23/24 cycles) to conceive 2nd time around. There were complicating factors for us ? we weren't even allowed to start trying until 2 yrs after 1st pregnancy, and I was 35 when we started trying. My age gap now is 4yrs 1 month. I didn't want a large age gap either, at first I thought it was a problem, but actually, the fact that I was on maternity leave for the whole of my other DC's 1st year at school was fab ? I was a playground mummy, made lots of school mum friends, made a massive effort with playdates / PTA etc and our social life (not just DCs!) as a result is great. Also, the baby stage is not as daunting / restrictive as it was 1st time around (in our case anyway). Parenting is (generally) more relaxed and rather than everything revolving around a new baby 1st time around, a 2nd baby generally has to fit in with the existing family routine / family life. Don't get me wrong, its not perfect, but less of an issue than I thought it would.

I'd also get on with your life ? whether that be uni, retraining etc and then cross the bridge of working a new baby into that if and when it happens. I don't think it helps to put everything on hold so the fall back position becomes "... well I couldn't do that if I was pregnant / with a baby etc" and in my opinion, just flags up the pressure / disappointment / longing more than it would ordinarily. Good luck ? its a horrible position to be in.

Thanks everyone, I have been out and bought ovulation wotsits, conception vitamins and made initial appointment with doctors to discuss the way forward. So quite a productive afternoon!

Can't scroll as on tablet, so not sure who said what! We are 31 and 32 so not under massive time pressure with our age. I feel like it's such hard work having a baby (although take on board comments re more relaxed parenting second time around ) so feel like we both need to be 100% behind it.

It's not a deal breaker for me - and not sure how that would work anyway - much less likely to have dc2 quickly if I'm not with hubby, unless I fancy being a single mother! I do understand his concerns, just as one of you said, I feel like we could have regrets if we don't exhaust all reasonable options.

So thank you all for your advice, I'm determined to give it a proper shot now. Probably I'm still going to have xmas in the back of my mind but will try to forget about it a bit, fingers crossed dh does the same!

Ricecake you have inspired me to do the same. I'm 33 and we've been trying for dc#2 for 17 cycles. Our dd is 3.5. I'm going to call my gp for an appt and start to try and get in control of it all.

Glad to hear it threepiece - good luck

Have you found the TTC no2 thread on here, lots of us all in the same situation!