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Conception

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Original poster

Trying to persuade partner to start TTC ... with zero success

19 replies

blueclaire · 06/08/2013 17:49

Hello! I've been with my partner for nearly 6 years and we have been having baby chat for several years, but no matter how I try to have the conversation with him, I can't get him to decide with me whether we should TTC or not. I really want to make a positive conscious decision either to do it or actively become child-free. He just keeps telling me he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't know how to decide. I am getting more and more broody and impatient. Anyone else had to talk to their partner in this sort of situation? I am getting cranky and need to hear from others who have needed to do some stern talking!

OP posts:

Ragwort · 06/08/2013 17:53

Do you really want to have to do some stern talking into persuading someone to become a parent?

I think you have your answer, he is not that bothered ........

Our situation was the other way round, DH was much keener than I was to have a child, I 'allowed' myself to be persuaded and whilst I do of course love my child, in all honesty it was not the right thing to do.

JosiePosiePuddingAndPie · 06/08/2013 17:54

My DH and I had been together 9 years before TTC, that's just how long it took us to be ready. I think if you are worried about it you need to put some kind of timeframe on a decision. If he really can't decide then maybe some kind of counciling is in order to help him (and you, maybe together) work through the issues?

WillowsTree · 06/08/2013 18:21

My dp is always indecisive. When it came to us ttc #1 he was obviously scared, but all I needed to know was that he wasn't against having a baby. If he didn't want one, I would never have tried to force him. The conversion did get raised for a couple of years before we both felt ready to really go for it. This time round ttc #2 he's so relaxed

Maybe if you find out what worries him, then you can either put his mind at ease, or really find out if he wants children at all.

crazyhead · 06/08/2013 18:23

How old are you? Also, what do you think you'd feel/do if he turned around tomorrow and said he never wanted kids - would you definitely stay with him?

The older you are, the tougher you need to be on this one - I wouldn't take it from a man personally because they aren't the ones who lose their fertility as quickly through age.

He has the right to decide either way, but life's a bitch, we all have to make tough decisions without all the information and he needs to pull his socks up - nothing else is acceptable.

Slumberparty · 06/08/2013 19:48

I worry that my partner is the same...I have been broody for years and he knows it. But whenever I've talked about us having a baby he makes lots of negative 'jokes' and never takes the conversation seriously. He has expressed that he does want them, but I think the reality of it scares him. I am 30 and he is 32 and I have told him many times that I want 3 children so we need to start soon! (I don't actually know if I really want 3, but 2 at least!)
Anyway...knowing that he will never give me a definitive answer, I just told him, at the end of August, we are going to start trying for a baby. I bought pre-conception vitamins and have showed him that I am taking them everyday. Although he still makes 'jokes' about it, he hasn't actually said "No, I don't want to". I guess I will know for sure when the time comes for him to stop using condoms. It may not be the best way to go about it, but I feel he will never actually make the decision to do it, so I have just told him we are doing it, and he hasn't disagreed.

mummyneedinganswers · 06/08/2013 20:26

Sorry to be blunt i understand your want for babys as i am the same but do you really want to keep trying to persuade your husband? he is doing the right thing in takin his time because if he just agree to make you happy the baby might not be a gd idea as babys don make evrrything better and if you fell prgnant he mY notbe to happy about it:( i understand how frustrated you are abot this but yous have tonwork together i havealways stated that i love dp that much that if he decidd one day that he didnt want kids i would stick by him because our love is stronger luckily enough i havent got that problem dp wants kids more than i do god love him so i suggest you lay off trying to persuade him and have a serious talk about where yous see eachother in future see if he opens up abit

babyrose · 06/08/2013 21:14

In a previous relationship where we had been together for 11 years engaged, I fell pg but didnt find out til 7months (I was 17) turned out in the end the baby didnt survive. We stayed together got engaged bought a house I always wanted to try again but I knew in my heart he didnt want tim same and was more interested in getting wrecked at the w/end so I left him he treated me like shit!

Now I've met someone else and we have a beautiful boy and TTC again!

eurochick · 06/08/2013 21:21

I waited for my husband to be ready, but I set myself an ultimatum (which he came bloody close to - I had already worked out how I would manage by myself because I thought breaking up was inevitable). I didn't give him an ultimatum because IMO it needs to be a decision made freely. I love him a lot but I needed to give myself a chance at a family and would have left him to do that if I had had to.

TeaAndANatter · 06/08/2013 21:27

Sorry you're in this situation. It sounds really hard. I wouldn't know what to suggest, but I guess it comes down to how much a baby is a priority for you, what your age is, and whether being with this person is enough for you to give up on ever having children for. Hope a decision makes itself clear for you. x

emdottyjackson · 06/08/2013 21:28

My husband kept saying 'yes but not now' he said that for 5 years so this year after being together 10 years married for 2 I told him I was coming off the pill & if he didn't want children to take control of the contraception. Not nastily just matter of factlt. I've never nagged for children but he knew when we got together I wanted them eventually. Well now he tells people we're trying & is hoping for a boy! I think his issue was fear of change, so I wrote him a letter outlining all the good things having a child would bring & told him I wouldn't stop loving him because a baby was on the scene, put a positive light on it as he just got negative joking 'life is over' messages from friends/TV. Good luck op xxx

Original poster

blueclaire · 06/08/2013 21:35

Thank you everyone! I am so excited that you have all answered me and I am so grateful that you've been so thoughtful and kind.

In answer to questions...

We are both 35. I feel my clock ticking. I am aware that he could happily state in his forties or fifties that he wants a family now and he's going to find someone else. This really upsets me.

When we started out, I said I didn't want to have children (this was true for me for many years) but he said he did. Now that I want to start a family, he isn't sure. So, it's quite frustrating because I think he does want to but he isn't sure I want to. It's like we are playing a game of truth or dare. I want to have sensible open conversations about it but am really finding it hard to get him to think about what he wants.

I think if he said he never wanted to have children and meant it from the heart I would be happy with that. I definitely don't want to break up with him in order to find another man who wants a family with me. It's not the only thing I want.

One of the things I am worried about is that if we can't make this decision together then we will find it hard to cope with all the myriad of decisions we will have to make together as parents. I want this to be something we positively both go into together.

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 06/08/2013 21:45

I think you should take the same route as SlumberParty

Me and Hubby had always known we'd have children and shortly after getting married I had my Mirena Coil removed even though we hadn't actually had the, "Shall we have a baby now?" conversation. It just happened and now I'm pregnant.

I imagine that if a guy didn't want children he'd probably freak out at any mention of pregnancy so take it as a positive that he is able to keep it light hearted with jokes.

Just tell him that the time has come - sometimes men just need a gentle nudge in the right direction....

emdottyjackson · 06/08/2013 21:47

This is why I found a letter easier, DH doesn't 'do' serious talks but I think he was grateful of my letter & my invitation to get him to write something back, even if he thought I might not like it, I told him I would rather know how be really felt than ask him to pretend. He didn't write anything back but said ok. It was a bit upsetting at the time sort of very non committal but now he has accepted it happily. I know this because he tells people we're trying when I'm not there.
It's difficult to speak to men who are quite closed off maybe for fear of saying the wrong thing perhaps? My husband didn't really grasp that later pregnancies can be difficult/have complications might be worth explaining that also if you haven't already x

emdottyjackson · 06/08/2013 22:00

Can I also say I'm not sure if you have mutual friends with children? But ours before they knew we were trying the men would roll their eyes and say to DH 'don't do it' (said the same about marriage) now they know its all slaps on the backs & 'best decision ever buddy' sigh MEN! Lol

Thatssofunny · 06/08/2013 22:05

I've been with dp for over 10 years now. Four years ago, he started to struggle with the idea of this being a "permanent" relationship. The idea of children scared him. He was feeling trapped and probably thought that there is more out there for him and he wasn't ready to settle, yet. He quit his job. He stayed at home for a year. In that time, we nearly broke up. The one thing that helped us was that he went abroad for a two month work placement.
He came back home after three weeks. It helped him to realise what he wants...and I'm bloody glad he made the right choice. (We are getting married this week.)
We started ttc a while ago, but DP was finding the whole thing rather daunting. (I'm much too open with information.) In July, I found out that I was pregnant. Unfortunately, it ended in a mc. However, DP is excited about starting ttc again,...and about everything hopefully working out next time. He's keen to become a dad,..and more determined and positive than he had been before. (Part of this is probably due to trying to cheer me up.)

I think sometimes getting a bit of distance is a good thing. It helps to see things more clearly and makes choices easier. For DP, being faced with the possibility of actually losing things (possibly me when he went off; and then our first pregnancy) helped him to see that he does actually want these things himself. I don't suggest that you ship your DP off somewhere, but it might help to give him a little bit of space. Good luck.

Original poster

blueclaire · 08/08/2013 10:41

Had the funniest conversation last night. Call it a conversation, it went like this: Me: I think we should start TTC this month or get couples counselling. Him: OK. Me: Um, yay, but OK to which option? Him: I don't know. Me: *

I am so in love with my partner but so irritated at the same time!

I think I am going to push him along a bit now. I think he is OK to be pushed along by me.

I feel buoyed up by your advice ladies. Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words. It's lovely to hear your stories.

I also want to say thanks for sharing your MC experiences too. I don't know how that must feel, but thank you for sharing with me, and I'm sorry for your losses.

OP posts:

crazyhead · 08/08/2013 12:42

Good for you - I think that whether you end up trying for babies or deciding to be child free, making that decision at 35 is a lot less stressful than making it at 38 so you might as well be bad ass now!

Original poster

blueclaire · 08/08/2013 14:06

Lol crazyhead :-)

OP posts:

Buddhagirl · 08/08/2013 14:25

Ask him, what gets in the way of him making a decision, if he says he doesn't know, ask him to figure it out!

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