Want to cry and cry

[Stillhopingstillhere]

Another month (month 10) and still not pregnant.
I shouldn't be surprised, we've been told we would need icsi due to extreme male factor. Apparently although dh has a high count none of the sperm actually swim anywhere. Great. Or if they do it's the wrong way or in circles.
And yet we have a ds conceived first cycle nearly five years ago. So I keep praying for another miracle. I can't quite compute how we've gone from conceiving easily to needing icsi. Not iui, not regular Ivf, but icsi. About as much intervention as is possible.
I know we are so lucky to have ds but honestly someone up there must really hate me. I'm type 1 diabetic, even a regular pregnancy is high risk for me. I'm not sure I can put my body through Ivf. And whilst I know lots of people do have problems conceiving ALL my friends have fallen pregnant easily each time. Some accidentally. Now seven are due with their second or third child in the next few months.

I keep trying to resign myself to being a one child family and I'm really struggling. I feel so bitter about it, why can't this just be easy? I test my blood sugar ten times a day, I'm constantly on hypo watch, I inject, I can't do what I want and now on top of all that even having a baby is impossible. I'm not jealous of friend's pregnancies or babies, I'm jealous of how they don't have to worry. It's "we'll try for a baby,oh we're pregnant."

Sorry, I will stop now but Im so irrationally angry.

Sorry your having such a bad time, I don't have any experience in what you're going thru but just wanted to say we are all behind you and will be here to offer support.

Thanks.
I went to the dr yesterday and got some anti depressants, although I think it's more the situation than actually being depressed.
Dh is putting pressure on for my to have Ivf. All well and good for him given that he doesn't actually have to do anything. He also suggested I return to work full time to finance it despite having £30k saved in the bank. I tried to suggest that possibly trying to manage a full time job plus diabetes plus Ivf might be tricky but this fell on deaf ears. Let alone that it would be a new job as I've been a sahm.
So his plans for me to find a full time job I'm September, and then apparently have time off for Ivf.
This does not seem workable to me. It isn't really about the job it's just illustrative of his total lack of support. It all seems to be my problem.

I'm sorry to hear that. I haven't been through this so can't do more than offer support.

Sad to hear you can't do anything though. I'm type one diabetic as well and I don't let it stop me doing anything. I manage it, it doesn't manage me.

It just gets me down.
I honestly feel like it's ruined my life.

There is increased risk of stroke with ivf. Added to my increased risk from type 1 diabetes and horrific migraines it seems like a bad idea.

You only have increased risk from diabetes if it's poorly managed. You're only here once so perhaps decide to be positive and beat this :) Once you've got the hang of injecting the right doseage, it's fine. Just check your levels a few times (do it while you're out and about if need be) and, honestly, a few highs or lows really don't matter. It's when people get blase about injecting or eating too much crap that longterm problems arise. You can do it!

I am well controlled but this is because I keep a very close eye on it. I don't eat much either.

With ds I had hyperemesis requiring hospitalisation four times so that was also fun with the diabetes!

I suppose I feel like another pregnancy is obviously just not meant to be. But I also feel so angry that it's something else that just happens easily for most other people (woman round the corner pregnant with her eighth - I think she's had my share of babies!) and not for me. Well I suspect I would be able to get pregnant were it not for dh's sperm having no sense of direction.

Maybe I'd agree to the Ivf if I wasn't diabetic. I wear an insulin pump on my stomach, I'm not sure how that would work along side the injections of hormones. I'd have to go in for an overnight stay for egg collection as I'd need a sliding scale drip, instead of it being a day procedure like it usually is. It would just make an already difficult procedure even more difficult. And of course it probably won't work, it's like a 30% chance each time. So not great realistically.

Yeah, I'm well controlled (hbA1c of 6.9 for the last ten years!) But I seriously don't think it takes over my life. Don't think I'd like to have a pump though.

I admit I'm not looking forward to all that extra time in hospital once I am pregnant but I always think, it could be worse. Sounds like the number of issues have built up and are making you negative and down. I hope you can manage to talk to your partner about it all.

Had to have a pump for last pregnancy. Hba1c is usually just under 6.

I'm just fed up I think. The diabetes in top of the ivf just seems too much. If dh was more supportive it might be different but he's not. He's never once asked how I am or helped me if I'm low or anything really. Even through my last pregnancy. So basically I'm on my own.

Is it possibly linked to how he's feeling about his issues? I mean, could he feel upset or guilty inside?

I know time may not be on your side but, if it is, maybe take a backseat from it all for a while until you feel more positive?

This isn't something you should feel alone about, so I feel for you.

Thanks.

I'm 30, dh is 39 so he wants to start treatment ASAP.
I've tried to get him to listen to the risks etc but he's not interested. He wants a baby and that's it as far as he's concerned.

Aw that's a shame because you play a rather large part in it!

Hi, sorry but I read your post and just wanted to give you some hope.

DH and I took 11 months to conceive our first. I, like you had lost all hope at cycle 10 and just thought it would never happen for us. DH had male factor issues and we were told IUI or IVF is our only option. He had a high count but his sperm were severely affected by anti-sperm antibodies. It basically stops them from swimming anywhere and starts clumping them together. I really thought assisted conception was our only option at that point.

Has your DH tried vitamins and supplements (zinc, selenium, Wellman etc) to improve the quality? Mine went on a supplement regime for 4 months and I really believe it helped us get our BFP.

I'd say don't give up just yet. It's hard to keep going month after month, but if his count is high, there might be one lucky bugger that will make its way to your egg.

Also try talking DH through the other issues about your health and pressures of invasive treatment if you don't wish to right now. You both need to making this decision together.

Have you considered egg donation? Although you would still be on some hormones there would be a lot less. There's a much higher success rate than with regular IVF, and no EC for you.

Also, get DH on a health kick. He needs to take part too.

Hi just wanted to offer some more support to you. I don't know anything about ttc with type 1 diabetes, but honestly, I find it hard to believe all your friends really got pg quickly. Everyone says it, but it's something that we all lie about as we don't want to feel like we are faulty or failing at something so innate. It took me well over 2 years of heartbreak to conceive my DD, and it was not something I could discuss with anyone, infact I told everyone we had conceived within a couple of months of stopping the pill, just to avoid the discussion of my infertility issues. Now we are ttc no 2 (starting 5th cycle) and I am telling people we are not even thinking about it yet! Chances are at least a few of your friends have taken 6m + to conceive, just are not admitting it

good luck