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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

Confusion over conception

17 replies

214js · 30/07/2013 12:40

Hello,
Any advice would be appreciated. I am 7 weeks pregnant and part way through a relationship crisis. After 4 years our relationship broke down and I slept with someone else. I slept with my long term partner on the 23rd June and the other person on the 30th June. My last period started on the 10th of June. I haven't slept with anyone since. Having a look online suggests that the father is my long term partner but is there anything more accurate/certain that I can do to check? Does anyone have any advice? It's a simultaneously wonderful/desperate situation to find myself in and any advice would be appreciated. It makes decisions over talking to both of them very hard. We were planning on having children before this but now I just don't know what to do.
Many thanks.

OP posts:

RaRaZ · 30/07/2013 13:02

If Day 1 of your last cycle was 10th June, I'd have expected you to ovulate around 24th, making it likely that you conceived on the 23rd rather than the 30th....but that's just my guess. How long is your cycle normally/when would you have expected your July period?

Regardless of whether your long-term partner is the father, I think you need to tell him about the other man.

Original poster

214js · 30/07/2013 13:09

Thank you. My cycle is normally regular, 28 days give or take a couple sometimes.

He knows about the other man hence the relationship crisis but neither yet know about the pregnancy. I intend to be honest with both should I go ahead (which I think I want to) but it's very difficult at the moment.

OP posts:

jaykay987 · 30/07/2013 13:46

Do you know approx how long your cycles normally are? If you normally have long cycles this could make your of date much later.

jaykay987 · 30/07/2013 13:47

Sorry - just reread your message.

I agree with previous poster about the dates. Though I guess you can't be 100%.

RaRaZ · 30/07/2013 13:58

Well, since you have a fairly regular 'textbook' cycle, I'd be surprised if it was the other man who had fathered your child - that would mean you'd ovulated a week later than you normally do, making your cycle that month 35 days rather than 28. When did you test? The day you missed your period?

If you don't mind me asking, OP, are you trying to make a go of things with your long-term partner now, or is the other man still on the scene?

Original poster

214js · 30/07/2013 14:18

I tested on the first day of my missed period as I felt a degree of panic and that was negative. A week later I still had no period and assumed it was stress but then tested again with a few tests and they were all positive. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow morning.

I would like to make a go of things, or at least try but he isn't certain that he can do this. Things are still friendly between us and we can talk but I have no idea how he might react to this especially if there is an element of doubt. I can't lie about that to him, I couldn't live with myself. The other man isn't on the scene - I've asked him to respect my space and that I'm in no position to be in another relationship and also don't want that and he has been accepting of that.

OP posts:

jaykay987 · 30/07/2013 14:22

Only you know the best way to deal with this.

Though from the outside looking in, as soon as the doctor has confirmed (hopefully with a date estimate) - I think you need to tell him.

If he thinks you've kept this from him things might get more difficult. Also I think you have to prepare yourself that the situation might get more difficult before it gets better.

Good luck with everything! Hope it all works out for you.

RaRaZ · 30/07/2013 14:25

Bugger, that doesn't help - I was going to say if you had a positive the day of/day after missed period, it would be extremely unlikely that you'd ovulated late enough for the other man to be the father. I'd still say it sounds very much like the father is your partner though, and it's certainly not unusual for it to take an extra week to get a positive. Must be annoying for you to not know for sure though. I don't suppose you'll get a definite until it's born and you get a paternity test - I don't think there's another way?

Aww hun , you're really in a pickle there. When your partner says he doesn't know if he can do 'this', what's 'this'? Being with you? Having a full-on serious relationship? Getting over you cheating on him?

How do you think he will react to the news of your pg? Does/did he want children? You say you were planning on having them, so I assume so. Do you think he could - as some men do - ignore the doubt and be happy to be having a baby?

And, OP, are you definite about keeping the baby? You sound as though you're in turmoil .

Original poster

214js · 30/07/2013 14:32

I am going to tell him as soon as I've seen the doctor and see what he says, I can't delay any longer as I've known now for a couple of weeks.

He says he's not sure he can get over what has happened. He's a very traditional person and has, completely understandably, taken this as a huge blow and is a real mix of sadness/anger. He did want children - me probably more so but he was looking forward to it. We were due to be married which has been called off.

I feel like I really want the baby but it also depends on his reaction and the doubt is a problem too - I've always been fairly straight laced myself so all of this has been a shock to me too.

OP posts:

RaRaZ · 30/07/2013 16:40

Cheating is a hard thing to get over, I think. Personal Q, but why did you do it? Is it indicative of other problems or you not getting what you need from your long-term partner?

So it sounds - understandably- as though you'd be much more comfortable about having the baby if you could be more sure that it's your partner's rather than the other man's... Good luck for telling your partner. You know where we are if you need us.

Original poster

214js · 30/07/2013 16:50

For a variety of reasons - I think I was panicking over the wedding coming up and had some doubts as he sometimes struggles with his moods and we hadn't been talking as much and on the intimate side of things, I felt that had really slid. I feel like I was just overwhelmed by the attention from someone else and there is now nothing in my life that I regret more, it was a ridiculous thing to do.

Thank you very much for your help, I've never used a forum before but it's not really the kind of thing you feel able to chat to people openly about! I've only told my parents and a close friend and thankfully they've been very supportive and have said they'll support me whatever I choose. Now for the difficult conversations!

OP posts:

jaykay987 · 30/07/2013 16:54

Good luck.

Let us know how you get on with everything

RaRaZ · 30/07/2013 17:02

I understand. Best of luck. Would love to hear the outcome, but it's up to you if you want to tell. This forum's fantastic sometimes. If you're struggling after telling him, come back and we'll be here!

Original poster

214js · 11/09/2013 15:35

I didn't tell either of them in the end which I regret and realised that family didn't support my decision at all and in fact were ashamed of the situation I had ended up in. This destroyed my confidence so I had a termination at 10 weeks and have been signed off work since, with little progress in the time that has passed in between. It wasn't what I wanted to do and I haven't been able to cope afterwards. I am getting by on 4 sleeping tablets per night and support from friends and a few phonecalls to the samaritans has saved me from the brink a few times - I no longer speak to family. That's where I am at the moment. Our relationship is completely over and I'm now in a city with no other friends as I moved for him so life is tough at the moment. I have stockpiled a large number of the sleeping tablets I use just in case but for now I'm trying to go day by day.

OP posts:

allchatnicknamesgone · 11/09/2013 16:40

Best plan. Day to Day. I have hit rock bottom at times too, but please just try and get through each day and over time life will improve and you will start to feel better. Have you been to docs to get the sleeping pills? Have you spoken to them about anti-depressants - not something I 100% agree with, but if you are really on the brink you need to speak to medical people and get all the help you can. Do you friends know how low you are - you need to tell them if you haven't already. You shouldn't be on your own. I'm sorry your relationship is over and that you feel you had to abort, but it sounds like a messy situation to bring a baby into and years from now you will go on to meet someone else and have a baby in better circumstances. As for your family, time heals and maybe a bit of space for you to re-group and get your confidence back is a good thing? Your family will always be there I'm sure and sometimes very hurtful things are said in the heated situation because of desperation. My mum (quite a reserved woman) threw a fried egg at me and called me a slag because she found out I was on the pill at 17. This may sound funny now, but at the time I was mortified and thought I'd never speak to her again.
Post again if you need to, but please just hang in x

Original poster

214js · 11/09/2013 16:48

I'm 32 so don't really see a lot of years stretching out in front of me. I got the maximum sleeping pills I was allowed from the doctor (4 weeks, issued one weeks supply at a time) but bought all the rest online. She wasn't happy to prescribe antidepressants and recommended CBT but the appointment for that didn't come through and I haven't been back or checked up on it I don't see the point. I haven't really spoken to friends about that, mainly the samaritans. I have debt to clear at the moment which shouldn't take much longer and once that's been dealt with I will feel more free to make the decision I want, I don't want that to sit there. Thank you.

OP posts:

allchatnicknamesgone · 11/09/2013 16:55

Hon. Go back to the doctors and tell your friends. I know it's all crap and hopeless, but you have to dig deep to save yourself. You are young. Some people don't even settle down until they are in their 40s. I know whatever I write will seem pretty irritating because I don't know you, but the fact you are writing on here and calling Samaritans means you are taking steps and reaching out. Just do that a bit more and then things will start coming back together. Phone the docs now, see a different doc with a different perspective and tell the truth. Then call a friend and ask to make a date. x

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