I want a baby but my partner doesn't

[emmamarym]

I know this is a long shot but i really need some advice. I don't know what else to do.

To cut a long story short I'm 20 and my partner is 23. We have been together for 2 years and we live together. I was wanting a baby long before we got together but i accepted that I was to young. But the longer I wait, the harder it becomes. I have mentioned to my partner that it's something i really want, on many occasions but he just keeps saying the same thing; "we are too young and i'm not ready". But will he ever be ready?

He says we should give it 5 years but it's not bear thinking about. I physically feel that i can't wait any longer and i love him so much and it would be the end out my world breaking up with him over this. I really don't know where to go from here. When i see mums with their kids/ pregnant it's like a stab in the gut.

You're still very young. You've got time to decide whether you want to stay together.

I was sorta the same with my husband, I'm 26 he is 32. I've wanted kids for years now but hubby never agreed. He thought I wasn't ready or 'mature enough' then we couldn't afford one then he wanted to buy a house first etc... but he eventually came round in his own time. I even had the thought of do I leave him and have a kid with someone else? I genuinely though it would be another 10 years before we would be having kids in reality it was only a couple (we are TTC now)!

I think it's important for him to know that this is a hormonal thing that you can't control and it drives you crazy! so make sure you speak to him about how you feel but without putting pressure on him. Hubby said I made him feel really guilty till I explained to him that it wasn't a conscience thing, I think it's just our bodies way of saying 'you're happy, you're settled and you're ready physically and emotionally' doesn't mean you are ready as a couple though and that is more important! I spent weeks researching maternity leave in work and maternity pay and benefits etc I cried all the time because I wanted a kid so badly but it eventually did get easier and the overpowering broody feeling did fade (a little) or else I got better at managing it.

You are both really young and have many child bearing years ahead of you, why don't you book a fun holiday for the 2 of you as a distraction? Something you couldn't do if you had a baby (we just went to Florida to do the parks before starting a family). It is hard but set little goals or make a list of things to do and enjoy the time the 2 of you have together because once you have a baby you can't just get up and go to the cinema whenever you want or go to the pub for the night.

Don't nag him about it, leave it for 6 months before bringing it up again but there is no harm in pointing out baby things (this was my preferred tactic) pointing out dads playing with babies or cute little outfits, things like that. Try not to let yourself get upset about it and keep yourself busy 20 is so young it's probably not a good idea to be on these boards, you won't be helping yourself any. If not wanting kids now is the only reason for leaving your partner it's not a very good reason. Give him a couple of years and if any of your friends have babies invite them round so he can see you with a baby. Why don't you try asking him what kind of things he would like to have before having a baby or what he would like to do? It could be that he is scared of having to support you and a child which is perfectly reasonable reason becoming a parent is a huge responsibility and that is something you can both work on.

Sorry this is all a bit randomly written (and long!) my mind bounces from idea to idea too quickly for me to keep up sometimes.

20 is VERY young - it almost scares me that people can feel ready to be a parent at that age! Please don't think I'm mocking the way you feel though - I'm not at all; I just feel that you're so young that you have all the time in the world. It doesn't make it easier emotionally, I know (I'm 24 and have had a mc and and am struggling to make myself see that if I don't get pg again immediately it's not REALLY the end of the world), and a lot of that is hormonal. But what's the alternative? You leave your partner and find another man? I reckon most men of your age won't be ready for kids yet and you'd be back at square 1 so to be speak, needing to start a new relationship from scratch and build up to the point where you and the new partner are ready to have kids. That could take a very VERY long time. Like DisneyDiva said, if your only reason for wanting to leave your partner is this, it's a bad one. Honestly.

HOWEVER, he needs to fully understand how you feel. That doesn't mean forcing him to agree to ttc now or anything like that; just that he has to appreciate where you're coming from and how hard it is for you. I'd recommend a frank and honest discussion at a time when you've got no distractions, nowhere to rush off to, and you're both calm and happy. Do it by text or email if that's an easier way to express yourself (sometimes things come across better in writing), but warn DP before you do - can't imagine it'll go down well if he comes home from work to an email like that out of the blue! Tell him how you feel and why. Tell him what you're scared of and how seeing other people with babies makes you feel. Acknowledge that it's a hormonal thing, but make him understand that you can't help it. He probably won't turn around and say 'ok, let's have a baby now', but your difference of opinion on this could lead to rows and upset if you aren't clear and honest with him.

Try and find out what would make him feel ready. More money? Promotion? Having been travelling? A house and a mortgage? Marriage? Etc. Then you know what you're working towards.