Can anyone offer advice on how to relax?!

[GaryWilmotsWedding]

This is my first post here, although I have been lurking for many months. Sorry it's long but I'd really appreciate some advice from you all!

My DH and I have been TTC for several months without success. I know many of you have been trying for far longer and this is not a post moaning that I'm not pregnant yet - I know it takes time and statistically it's likely to happen for us at some point - more a post about how I can get my head in the right place and enjoy the time when I am not pregnant/before we have children. We have a great marriage and a happy life and I am a bit floored by how much this seems to be affecting me!

Each month I just feel utterly devastated when it's a negative and it makes me feel negative about other things in my life. I feel I can hang on in there with a job I find hugely stressful but boring (toxic combination) when I have an exciting next phase of our lives to look forward to, but without it I feel totally lost at work. I don't feel I can fairly look for another job given we are planning a family.

I have an active social life and a good group of friends who I'm close to. I have cut down significantly on drinking (one of my favourite things!) and no longer smoke (again, please don't judge me, but I loved that too!). I eat well, am not overweight and would consider myself reasonably fit. I am totally torn between carrying on as normal and making the changes that might be the difference between conceiving or not. I feel so stupid for letting it control me so much, but I really can't seem to find a way to focus on other things in my life. It feels like a very lonely journey, despite my DH's patience and support. I have to admit I thought it would be fun and exciting. Does anyone have any practical tips on how to keep your head straight through all this? I know it might be a very long journey so I want to try and sort myself out sooner rather than later!

Thanks so much for reading and any advice you can offer!

Generally no - it's a stressful process that seems to completely take over your life. I don't know how to stop that.

Things which have helped me a bit are distractions. We've taken up a hobby that takes us out of London and is something we really have to focus on while we are doing it (we chose target shooting). We've planned and taken some great holidays. Little distractions (Candy Crush...) are also helpful and stop you spending the evenings googling fertility stuff. But there is no magic answer. Passing on your genes is about the most visceral need humans have. Trying to forget about that need is futile, IMO.

Thanks Euro. Just knowing that I'm not the only one finding it tricky makes me feel better, so I appreciate your reply.

We're going for target shooting too as we both work very long hours and every other day just isn't realistic for us. Feeling like we should be doing it every other day makes us both feel even more stressed; we're going for quality, well timed sex over pressured but more frequent! I wonder if that's where we're going wrong....

Oh, I actually meant target shooting, with guns! That was not a euphemism. It's our new hobby to take our minds off things.

On the other kind of "shooting", we went with every other day most of the time too. It was more sustainable and is supposed to give the swimmers time to replenish.

OP you have my sympathy! It is hard. Here are some of the things that have helped me:

• really relishing things that will be more difficult with a baby eg going out spontaneously for a meal/ art galleries/ theatre etc
• seeing good friends, esp those who are child free
• going away for weekends
• on bad days, taking the time to look after yourself eg a bubble bath, a bit of chocolate
• massage (expensive but vouchers for birthday and Christmas help)
• having a glass of wine! I figure that if I'm pretty healthy overall it's not going to make a massive difference.

One of the biggest things that helped was a well timed comment from DH along the lines of "our goal is to get pregnant sometime this year" rather than "must get pregnant this month". Thinking about the long term perspective has helped me. We are heading into ivf now so our timeframe has stretched to "sometime in the next 2-3 years" but you get the gist.

The work one is difficult - I am sticking it out during a stressful time in a usually great job, but that's mostly because we have very good maternity benefits! (and I hope the stress will improve soon.) I wouldn't feel guilty about going for another job - who knows what might happen? I hope you're not ttc for a long time, but you can't predict it and if your job is unfulfilling it may be better to get out while you can.

You're not alone - lots of support on these boards if you fancy joining one of the big threads.

PS - I don't think euro was talking about when to dtd with "target shooting" - she really does shoot things with actual guns for fun

Ooops - x posts euro!

Just a word of advice on the job front, I was your position too. I kept ploughing on, but I had to stop in the end. It was a massive relief. The ironic thing is, I'm halfway through an ICSI cycle, and have got a new job! I think it's important to be in the best headspace possible for TTC, so if looking for a new job is a feasible option that I'll ease your stress and give you a more positive outlook, then I'd go for it. And everyone loves sn ironic BFP

As for relaxing, exercise, baking, knitting, crochet, gardening are all great stress relievers. It's so important to find something else you can immerse yourself in.

I don't know, but I read this article and am trying the "boredom technique". So far, so good, although it took a few days to get my head round telling myself I didn't want to ever get pregnant

Also, we're currently buying a house and that has been a fabulous distraction

I'm poking around the conception thread as I'm sort of contemplating TTC#3 (shh....don't tell anyone!) but was in your shoes a few years ago - it took over a year to conceive DD1.

I too felt like I was driving myself mad and felt the real weight of failure each month. Eventually (about a year down the line) I took a 2 pronged approach (which is sort of contradictory but seemed to work for me!) as follows:

Prong 1 = things I can actively do to increase my chances of conceiving successfully. I took nutritional supplements and tried to eat my 5 a day, we did the "sperm meets egg plan" (about how much sex you have and when, and used preseed

Prong 2 = Stop focusing on TTC and enjoy life! Don't obsess about diet/rules (except sex at the right times!) We booked nice holidays, I did night classes in things that interested me, we went out for lovely dinners and drinks - not getting smashed every weekend but basically no drinking on a work night and doing whatever we wanted at the weekend - really enjoying every day we had as a couple (stuff I really miss now I'm stuck at home with 2 kids). I really tried to keep busy with plenty of need ups with friends and activities booked at the weekend.

My job was stressful which I really don't think that helped. I did manage to stick it out and conceived after a quiet 6 weeks in work was followed by a fortnight off for Xmas - I'm sure that made a difference but only you know whether the upheaval of looking for and getting a new job will be better than your existing position.

Good luck and hang in there!

Ladies, thank you so much for your comments! I was a bit nervous about posting as I wondered what reaction I might get. You've been really kind and it is just so soothing to know I am not any more bonkers/stressed/sad than the average TTC-er walking down the street!

And how hilarious I thought Euro meant the other kind of 'shooting'....what an idiot!

Thanks again, you've made me feel much better!

I think if you're unhappy in your job and you might be able to change it, then don't use TTC as a reason to stay. It might take 1 month or it might take 24, you might miscarry or have an ectopic (sorry but it's a truth you need to acknowledge), in which case you'd be grieving as well as stressed and bored, and if you do conceive and carry successfully, you may need to return to work after maternity leave and want to negotiate flexible arrangements or at least feel like your workplace supports you. Perhaps concentrating on improving this other important aspect of your life would make TTC less of a focus. And Sod's law will mean that the sooner you quit, the sooner you'll be posting about getting a BFP while on trial at your new job! Good luck!

You need to not put your life on hold, or feel (even subconsciously) that a BFP is going to solve all your.woes. Obviously giving up smoking is wise but aside from that do all you can to enjoy life as it is - including looking into a more fulfilling job. I've known people who have avoided holidays, avoided socialising, turned down invitations, given up booze, shellfish, nuts etc, stopped hobbies... Madness, no wonder they ended up obsessed and miserable. Fact is that you have no idea how long it might take and the only route to sanity is cracking.on with a fulfilled life while you wait.

For background - I have Bern TTC.for 3.5 years and had at least one MC. In that time I have been quad Biking in the Sahara, achieved a PhD, sold a novel, got a promotion, changed my.job and relocated to the city of my dreams. And thank god I did all that or the last three years of my life would have been a miserable waste

Good luck