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what do you think of 43 year old ttc (dh is 53!)

16 replies

confuzzledmum4 · 10/06/2013 07:52

I'm totally new to this forum business but am really interested in what others make of my current dilemma. I'm 43 and have 4 wonderful ds 16,14, 7 and 5. I truly thought I was done having babies and apart from the occasional stab of broodiness have been ok with where I am. I do spend a lot of time dwelling on how quickly they grow up though and it makes me pretty sad sometimes.
A couple of months ago I started to get really broody again and plucked the courage up to talk to dh (I new he'd think I was bonkers!). Basically he said he thought he was to old, he said he feels fit and healthy now and part of him would love another but worries about his age when child is 16. He knows how I feel and said we could go for it because he loves me.
I completely understand and sort of feel the same but my feelings are so strong. When I think of the Fors and Againsts the second list is much longer...... reduced fertility due to age, risk of mc, risks to babies health and my health, looking like a gp (I think I look fairly young now but that may not last and I could be embarrassingly old to a teen!) other peoples response to us bothers me too though it perhaps shouldn't. The For is we'd hopefully have a baby in a year or so.
I'm really interested in peoples honest opinions so please let me know what you think. Thanks.

OP posts:
TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 10/06/2013 08:00

I don't have any issue with it at all. (am almost 48)

My only hmmmm thought, is your reason why you want one. Because "being broody" and "in a year or so we'd have a baby" doesn't sound very thought out to me.

You are experienced parents Smile and only you know what you really really want and feel. But....something I've noticed with 3 of my friends who have larger families- and I apologise if this is not in any way part of your thinking- one child gets to school age, or nursery age, and they almost have to have another. It's almost as if they need that small child in their lives somehow. One of them has actually admitted, that once her youngest starts full time school (she has 4) she will undoubtedly have another, because she doesn't feel validated as a person unless she is being a mother to a small child.

But, the age thing, I wouldn't give it a second thought. Maybe a tiny bit so on your husband's side, but if he is agreeable then that's fine.

Nospringflower · 10/06/2013 08:04

I have 3 children and tried again when I was 42 - babiy would have been born when I was 43. Had 2 miscarriages and gave up as I had a feeling i was pushing my luck. Glad I tried though. I know an old friend who had baby at 45 and just thought good for her Smile. If you're both happy it sounds like you would regret not trying.

Back2Two · 10/06/2013 08:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Northernlurker · 10/06/2013 08:14

You need to want another child not just another baby. If that's the case then go for it but be aware (as you are) that nothing is guaranteed.

Bambi27 · 10/06/2013 18:27

If you want a totally honest answer I don't think it's a good idea. I am 25 so I don't really have the 'life experience' that some of you have but I love to see my child with my parents and can't wait to have that one day with my daughters children. My grandparents (both sets) didn't have my parents until they were in their 40's and because of this they had died either before I was born or soon after (sorry if this is a little depressing!!!) and it just makes me sad that I never had this and feel this would a sacrifice you would be making. Sorry if its not what you want to hear!!!

Badvoc · 10/06/2013 18:37

Agree with northern.

Bambi27 · 10/06/2013 18:38

Tbh it's more your husbands age I'm thinking of x

confuzzledmum4 · 10/06/2013 18:55

Thanks for your thoughts.

We of course would love to bring another person into the world not just a baby. We truly have enjoyed all the different stages our boys have been through (admittedly it can be tricky with a stressed out teenager who is sitting his GCSE exams!)so it's not just the baby aspect.

I think it's very difficult to pinpoint why we want another child but if we do ttc it certainly will have been well thought through. I believe we're capable and loving parents to our children and we have enjoyed our experience enormously so far but we don't want to do something that is not fair to a child due to our age. Are we being selfish? Am I over analysing!? I know what you mean about the grandparent thing though.

OP posts:
Bambi27 · 10/06/2013 19:00

I don't think it's selfish...it's just very difficult as you obviously have a wonderful family and give it a few years you will have lots of lovely grandchildren. To put it in perspective my dad is 3 years younger than your husband and would not dream of more kids but loves having the grand children round!! Have you thought about fostering? If you love younger children you could offer help to children who need it?

jass43 · 10/06/2013 21:03

OP, I would go for it if you so wish. Because it is hard to imagine how you could regret a baby when you actually have one, but it is very easy to imagine how sorry you would be in, say, 5 years' time,if you did it try.

Beware, it might not happen very easily, so the man risk is mc heartbreak. That's something which word be sad to have as your last attempt at childbearing (am myself facing exactly this, have 4 children, am 43, and have suffered numerous mc after the birth of my last one).

To these who think it is sad to be a child of elderly parents - well, would it then be better not to exist at all? Because you can either have this one more child now, in middle age, or that human being will not exist at all...

I wished to give you some encouragement, because at our age it is really a last minute decision and you need to go for it now, you can not say "maybe in a few years"

RainSunWind · 10/06/2013 21:27

I think you may have to consider if it's definitely another child (teen/adult) you want, or if you have "empty cot" syndrome.... would having another baby keep you younger? Are you scared of facing the end of your fertility and having another baby will stave off those fears for another couple of years? Do you just want to keep going until the menopause? Would child no. 5 definitely be the end, or if you were say, 46, would you be tempted to give it another shot for the "last baby" then? If not, why not, and why do those reasons not apply now?

Also, and I am only suggesting this as a single-gender mum myself, and I realise that it may never have crossed your mind, but I have to raise the question, do you harbour any hopes, either consciously or subconsciously, that the next baby would be a girl, if you have 4 boys already? I know any child is a blessing, but is that a factor, even a small one, in your desire for another baby? If it does have any influence on your desire, how would you feel (apart from delighted, of course) if you got boy no.5 and still never had a girl? Obviously, like I say, if this has never crossed your mind then please disregard. I just feel it's useful to examine all the possibilities.

I have always felt well and young but now I am in my early 40's I am really starting to feel twinges of age. Things ache a bit more, I'm more tired, I have a bit less energy etc. I still have small children so that's no surprise, because they need so much that it is exhausting (brilliant of course too). I know you've done it 4 times already Grin but can you really remember the gruelling getting up in the night, two or three times, every night? DC1 was hard work in the day but a good sleeper. DC2 is/was quite good in the day but a terrrrible sleeper. We were virtually begging for the broken sleep to stop. There were nights we were at breaking point with it. Even thinking about it makes me wince, it was a form of torture and it put a bad strain on me and DH. Can you deal with that again, and the nappies, and the drudgery, and the tediousness of toddler, spoon feeding and wiping noses and wiping bottoms and wiping fingers a billion times a day? Wink Your youngest is now 5 and they can be surprisingly independant at that age.

The last thing I would ask (again, it may not have any relevance)... is there a trigger for this desire? Is there someone in your family (niece/sister/SIL/cousin) who is having a new baby, or even one of your friends, that has made you feel "I want to do that" because, after 4 children, you feel a bit of an expert on having babies but as your youngest is 5, you feel you are losing your grip on that as newer mums appear in your circle of family and friends? Again, I am only asking to be helpful, to help you make an honest decision, I am not supposing or thinking you are any of these things (so please don't take offence). Just tossing ideas around.

confuzzledmum4 · 10/06/2013 23:57

Thank you for your thoughtful replies everyone. It's certainly true that I ache a little when anyone announces a pregnancy. I was worried about how I would feel when my bro and sil had a their 2nd baby 2 years ago as I didn't want to feel broody due to age. I surprised myself with how OK I felt. No intense longing(I wish I had now as trying at 41 would have been better than at 43) I'm not sure whether it matters what the trigger is, I just think some people know when they're done with children and others are less sure. I know that I love having a full, busy and house. Mine make me laugh so much and I am still amazed by how different they all are from each other.

In answer to the gender question, I find it very difficult to explain but after having 4 boys and loving them so much I worry that I wouldn't enjoy a girl as much. It's something else I have to consider although everyone I know who has had a slight gender preference has fallen immediately in love with whatever they were given and I know I would be the same.

People I have spoken to have wondered how I could consider going back to night feeds, high chairs nappies etc but I relished those things and was blessed with good sleepers. I can't argue with the fact I will be more tired but I only go to work for a few hours a week and for me I think being at home with a baby is less tiring than going to work all day and coming home and trying to fit cleaning, children and relaxation in.

OP posts:
ItsallFeegle · 11/06/2013 00:11

Go for it if another child is what you both want Grin

You will probably may get a lot of nay sayers but its your life, if your healthy be happy!

Good luck Grin

ItsallFeegle · 11/06/2013 00:24

Oh and OP, you'd soon realise just how much a DD would enrich your life, should you be blessed.

I felt worried about having a DS and he's devine Grin

kellzi · 11/06/2013 11:11

Hi OP I am 42 and ttc after two mc last year, I will be god willing 43 if I am lucky enough to be blessed.
My other two children are 21&24
I have been in a new relationship for three years and we would be so happy if I got pregnant, what I am trying to say is if you want another child you go for it and good luck x

crazyhead · 12/06/2013 14:01

If you and your OH are happy with your ages at the other end of childrearing eg of having a teenager in your 60s/70s, then go for it. It is totally down to what you want and as long as you are clear on that, it is nobody else's business. You are very experienced parents so you clearly know the pro and cons. Good luck.

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