Feeling totally broken by TTC

[littleshamrock]

I don't feel I can go on any longer with this but don't have the strength to give up either. Been TTC for four years now, male factor secondary infertility, don't have the money to self fund and no IVF on NHS. I am totally blessed to have My DD (7) but feel I have robbed her of the chance to have a proper family. I feel so low most of time, and don't know where to go from here, honestly sometimes wish I didn't exist. Has anyone else suffered from infertility related depression and how did you move on from it?

I don't have any real advice, but didn't want to read and run. I've just given up ttc after 2 years. It's been a really difficult decision, but for me, I wanted to draw a line and move on to enjoy the family life I do have, not the one I imagined I'd have.

For me I've found it helpful to make concrete plans about things that were a bit up in the air - to do with house moving, planning a trip that we wouldn't have been able to organise with 'what if I get pregnant' hanging over us.

Your DD does have a real family, it's just different to the one you envisaged.

I hope someone comes along with some good advice. Be kind to yourself.

I'm an only and definitely had a proper family. We were a very tight little unit of three. You can be too. (It wasn't intentional in our case either - my mum suffered recurrent miscarriage after having me.) I do feel that my childhood was too some extent marked by my mum's sadness though. I think it got better for all of us when they were told to stop trying for medical reasons when I was about 8, and they realised that I was all they were going to get and became happy with what they had.

Maybe some counselling would help?

I've been trying for 2.5 years and have one IVF miscarriage to show for it. I am not ready to give up yet, but part of me is looking forward to the day when I walk away from this shit and get on with living my life, whether or not that is a life with children. I've seen some folks on the conception boards get to the point where they stop trying and I am actually envious.

I am in a similar boat. Have one Ds, nearly 4, conceived first cycle.
Have been ttc now for the second one for two years. Dh has abysmal sperm it appears. No idea how we managed to get pregnant with ds.
We could afford a round of ivf privately but my gut instinct is that it would fail and we would just be 4k worse off. I feel very strongly that we won't have another child. And unfortunately I'm often right with gut feelings about things.

I'm trying to draw a line under it but it's so hard. Especially as ds is desperate for a sibling. I'm an only child and never minded but ds is very different to me. I was always happy playing alone. Ds isn't. It is also hard because everyone I know is effortlessly popping out babies and asking when we will have our second one. The trouble is, once you have once child you're assumed to be able to conceive easily so asking personal questions appears to be fair game.

I am periodically irrationally livid with dh. My body is doing what it should but every month is another wasted egg.

I was depressed before I had my gorgeous D.D. I even secretly hated my friend when she was pregnant. Wrong I know a baby was the one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world and she was having it and her pregnancy wasn't even planned. I had chemical pregnancy as well when my friend was 5 months pregnant so that added insult to injury. I just felt so inferior to her as I did to all pregnant women. I also felt guilty that I was unable to carry my baby.

I am now ttc again but I have vowed not to let it take over my life. If it happens fantasic if it doesn't then it's obviously not meant to be and at least I have been blessed with 1 child.
Please don't give up hope. I was talking this lady and she said when she had her daughter there was this women in her ward who had 5 rounds of IVF and the last one her boss paid for and none of them worked. She got pregnant a few months later naturally after trying for 20 years! so it just goes to show you. When you feel like giving up the light at the end of the tunnel will be there. xxx

Oh gosh I really don't know what to say, I feel fed up after 7 months ttc, similar to youcanbesneezyimnotdopey I got pregnant with lo very quickly and therefore am finding it frustrating this time around. I think perhaps a break would definitely do you good? Maybe go to see the doctor and talk things through? Admit how fed up you are x