Don't know what to do anymore :'(

[gilly86]

Hi ladies

I really need some help an advice.. I really don't know what to do.

DH and I live in London. All of my family live in Devon.. His family live in the south east but around an hours drive (sometimes longer) from our home. We don't have any really good friends near us.

We want to move to Devon.. We are both so happy when we are there. We have family AND friends there and are desperate to move.

I could get a job there easily.. I work in cust services/admin/office based roles and have lots of experience. Could even go back to where I used to work when I lived there. It's a little harder for DH to find a job there... He earns a lot more money than me. It's not impossible for him to find a job there but will take time for the right job to come up.

Anyway in the mean time I'm stuck in a job I HATE in London. I work 12 hour shifts.. Days and nights. I've done this for 3 years and seriously at the end of my tether. I find myself crying my eyes out most days in work,before work,after work. I'm exhausted all the time... I like my colleagues but hate management.. They are not nice people to work under.

I've been looking for other jobs that would make me happier.. Jobs that are mon-Fri 9-5. I've had offers and in the end I've turned them down.

DH and I are trying to conceive. Only been trying since January so I know it's early days at the moment.

The reason I keep turning down new jobs is because I think it would be silly to start a new job somewhere because what if I then found out I was pregnant?

I know that if I was pregnant, my current employer would take me off shifts and put me on mon-Fri 9-5. Id also be entitled to the company's maternity pay scheme, child care vouchers etc Etc.. PLUS I've worked there for 3 years and I am liked by management (despite the fact I hate them!) so I know they would be good to me throughout pregnancy, give me time off if I need it etc etc.

However... I still find myself crying my eyes out pretty much every day. These shifts are killing me... I'm just so tired and so so unhappy.

I have a job interview on Monday. I think it's very possible I will be the best candidate and get offered the job... But do I take it if they offer it to me?

Or do I stay where I am and keep on trying to conceive?

I don't know what to do anymore!

I think you need to be happy. Crying everyday is not good for you lovely. Can you afford a pregnancy on smp? If you can then I'd go for a new job. Are the jobs you're looki g at 9-5?

Could you move now and dh combine commuting with perhaps working from home occasionally whilst he looks for something new down there?

If Devon is where you want to be in the longer term, I'd bite the bullet and move if you get offered something good. Conception is so random that I don't ever think you should plan your life around it happening or happening at a certain time. You could be exactly where you are a year from now, same job, same hours, same stress, etc. How would you feel then? So, I say go. If you're happy and working fewer hours in a less stressful job you're more likely to conceive too.

Yes most of them are... There are a few reasons why I hate my job right now but the main reason is the shifts. I feel broken!
On nights for the rest of this week and full of anxiety and on the verge of having a panic attack. Just so so unhappy

The interview on Monday is for a place similar to my current job but Monday to Friday 9-5.

2 people I used to work with actually work for them so that's why I'm pretty sure they would offer me the job - they like people that come from my existing place of work and try to head hunt us!

That's the thing.. We definitely could not afford to live if I was only getting SMP.

We could have done up until recently. DH was made redundant in January and found a new job very quickly but had to take a 14k pay cut

He was looked after at his old job but they went into administration (probably cos they were paying him so much money lol)

I'm sure in time he will eventually get back to where he was before salary wise but for the time being he's on less than we are used to. If I was only getting SMP we couldn't afford to pay our bills.

Hence I end up turning down new jobs and staying where I am and crying and crying and crying!

We would love to move now but he was made redundant in January and took on a new job in London pretty much straight away because he didn't want to unemployed for any longer than he needed to be obviously...

Now he's around 7 weeks into his new job and doesn't think we should look to relocate yet because he's just getting into the swing of things with his new job and enjoying it...

There's a possibility he could get a job in Devon for the company he works for (they are nationwide).. He has mentioned it to his boss so IF something came up in Devon I think they would think of him first... Which is good

I couldn't relocate with my job... They are based in London and London ONLY! So if we moved I would have to find a new job ...

But I want a new job anyway..!

I'm just torn.. No idea what's best.
Sometimes I think I should get a new job, be happy and carry on trying to conceive... But what WOULD happen if I found out I was pregnant in the first few weeks-months of starting somewhere new? Would that mean I'm not entitled to maternity pay ? Only statutory?

Maternity pay: www.mumsnet.com/jobs/maternity-pay-and-allowances

Okay, well if your DH isn't willing to move out of London just now it sounds like Devon is off the table in the medium-term (unless his current job can be relocated, but my experience of these things is that they sound good in practice, in theory they almost never happen!). If you're so desperately unhappy I think you should change jobs - particularly to something 9-5 if you're trying to conceive. All those weird hours are not good if you're trying to conceive. Ideally, you want to be sleeping well, eating well, a healthy weight, etc - not stressed out, miserable and feeling permanently jet-lagged.

Thanks juneau that's what my brain tells me a lot of the time - that these shifts and stress and tiredness can't be helping in the TTC process.

Eating habits, sleep patterns - it's all over the place. Don't know what day of the week it is or what time of day it is most of the time

The days off I get are the only positive... I do get lots of days off which is nice... I can get a cheap train/bus to Devon to visit family when I want to and DH will obviously come when he can get the time off and we drive down together once a month or so.

Days off in London by myself aren't great though. Lots of days off when DH is working... I used to go shopping, get the tube somewhere and look around but recently I'm so down I just stay at home and do nothing.

Don't have any friends in London so days off are shit really!
Unless DH is off too

Feeling sorry for myself and don't know what's best!

Go to Devon. Go to Devon. Go to Devon!

Happiness counts for a lot in this life and there are no guarantees with conception. If you get lucky and have a baby, then if will be so much nicer to be nearer family and friends and plus, your money goes further if you are out of London. Even is Devon's housing is expensive, it's still not as much as London.

You only live once. Grab it while you can.

Hope it works out.

Thanks! That's 100% what we want to do but always thought we might as well stay in London at least until we find out I'm pregnant.. Mostly because we earn so much more more money here and obviously living in London is fun - lots to do and see - so we figured we might as well stay, earn and save as much as possible and enjoy London whilst we can.

However I just fucking hate it at the moment because of my job.

We WILL move to Devon eventually so the question is, stay in my current job until that time OR find a more easy going job in London until that time?

And then the worry is, what if I take a new job in London and then get a BFP?! I would probably regret changing job if that happened because I would be entitled to more maternity pay and benefits in my existing job. AND they would take me off the shifts and nightshifts if I was pregnant as well.

URGH.

Ok well as you've only been trying a short time can you give it a couple more months trying n your current job? Fingers crossed you'll get pregnant and get your 9-5 and good maternity pay. If you're still not pregnant after a couple of moms then change job for the sake of your health/mental health. Maybe knowing you've only got to stick it for a couple of months will help? Plus you could be pregnant next month! Fingers crossed it all works out x

Thank you... That's also what I think is best sometimes and then I worry this could go on and on and I could be in exactly the same predicament in a years time!

Hoping for a BFP next week but don't feel like this is my month.

Just gotta keep trying I stay happy I suppose... Really struggling and DH is brilliant but don't think he really knows how truly down I feel. I had a day last week where I just cried and cried on his shoulder and he really saw the extent of my worries but most days I just put on a happy face and get on with it... But really I feel unhappy every day and cry most days in secret!

Hey, I saw your thread and had to post. I was in a similar position this time last year. TTC for a couple of months, in a job that is fairly cushy (unlike yours!) and despite having pretty low pay considering it's central london, and I have a PhD, will be great if/when I get pregnant and have kids (AMAZING maternity leave, very family friendly, flexi time, would be fine for me to only work 1 or 2 days a week, etc etc). However, I was feeling a bit bored by it. But I thought, well only have to stick it out until I get pregnant. However a year later and no sign of a bfp anywhere. Even more bored now, very demotivated. Can easily reduce myself to tears thinking about how much I dislike my job while at work, although out of work I am very happy and busy and don't give it much thought. Anyway, at last I have started applying for other things, even though I know there's a risk I'll end up on SMP. We are lucky in that we would be OK if I was on SMP so obviously that's a big difference. Are you sure you couldn't manage on SMP without some lifestyle changes? Just worth thinking about although the answer may still be an emphatic no. Anyway some things I've weighed up which might help...

... as others have said, less stress is good, but really I don't think stress affects your fertility, just whether you feel like DTD!!
... a job you like more may make it more likely that you want to come back to it after finishing maternity leave, hence more £ in the long run although less while on mat leave.
... I'm sure it won't happen to you, but if you still were waiting for a BFP in two or three years, you would have gone completely round the bend. I'm nearly nuts after just a year.
... many people hiring won't really mind too much if you get pregnant quite quickly. Small businesses might (although legally they mustn't give you any hassle of course), but bigger companies usually aren't too fussed. Also remember
... be selfish. We women often invest too emotionally in this and worry about whether we'll be liked. I feel bad about leaving my job and projects after nearly 7 years. However people have come and gone after spending just 1-2 years here and nobody is bothered!!
... is there any chance your work would change things if you said you were going to leave because you couldn't cope with the shifts any more? Just in case they would rather make you happy than have to recruit and train a new person.

Also with your particular situation, it doesn't sound like Devon is an option at the moment, if the main breadwinner in your family isn't going to be able to earn for a bit once you get there. Also, are you sure about you getting a job easily? Just that the rural situation with jobs is not always that great; and living costs could be higher if you both need a car to get to work instead of relying on the London public transport network.

Anyway basically there's no crystal ball. On the one hand you could wait a little while to see if you get pg quickly; but still you could get pregnant the next month after you hand in your notice!! The job interview on monday, is it a pay rise at all? If it is, can you do a spreadsheet to work out how much you'll lose out if you get pg after 1m, 2m, etc etc. I do this when decidign whether to apply for a particular job; however all of the jobs I've applied for are public sector and it isn't very difficult to find out info about payscales and maternity T&Cs.

GOOD LUCK! I massively sympathise with you. Sorry this was such an essay!!

You poor thing.

OK, so medium term Devon is clearly right for you, but short term, getting a bit happier sounds most realistic.

First off, you sure you aren't depressed? Crying everyday sounds extreme and it sounds as though you used to find London more tolerable.

Second, how old are you? If you get another job in London then you might need to take a few months off till you conceive to qualify for mat pay. So if you're 40 that break from TTC might be more of a serious consideration than if you are 27.

Personally, if I wasn't at the age when I just felt I needed to get knocked up ASAP, I'd look for a job I thought I'd really like at the same time as TTC, and then I'd see what happened for me first and just make that judgment as I went along. That would be the most empowering.

Yes - crazyhead talks sense. Taking a few months off TTC won't be the end of the world if you are in a different job (and if the 86 in your username is your birth year). Remember that for you (and me!) TTC and your job are all tangled up together and it's impossible to separate them. For you, you desperately want to TTC and get pg ASAP so that your job becomes nicer. If you had a nicer job to start with, then not trying for a few months isn't such a big deal. For me, getting pregnant means an end in sight for a job I don't like but can't seem to leave. Everything will be easier if the two things become detached by getting a job you like more.

Also re the depression. I sometimes wonder the same thing, but then I'm happy in the rest of my life (apart from lack of baby!), i really do think it's just my job that gets me down and luckily so far it hasn't "infected" the rest. gilly86 - how is the rest of your life?

Thank you for all the replies.. I can't reply properly right now as getting ready for work (nightshifts for the rest of the week ) but will reply later when I'm in work on my laptop rather than on my phone.

One thing I will say is that I'm happy with most aspects of my life and I don't cry every day... = I cry every working day!

I do get a lot of a days off and I'm always happy on days off... Have amazing family and friends although my problem is that they are all in Devon and DH and I are in London..

So I suppose that is a huge issue for me.. We live and work in London. I hate my job and my job ties me to London. So.. That's a depressing thought but I wouldn't say I'm depressed.

DH and I are very much in love and have great days off and love spending time with eachother but the time we are most happy is when we go to Devon to see our family and friends.

Yes I'm 27.. Recently married so there's plenty of time to TTC I suppose but we always wanted children and always said we would TTC once we are married and we are both SO excited about TTC and the thought of having a baby is really exciting+happy thought for both of us right now! And also we know we would be more compelled to finally move away if we knew we were expecting.

Don't get me wrong though.. We aren't pinning all our hopes on having a baby... We know it can take months even years for some people and we aren't impatient.. Just excited... And it's actually improved our sex life (not that it was bad before but even better now surprisingly)

Anyway like I said I will have a proper read through your posts later and respond. Thank u ladies... I feel better already!

I guess I would find out what the terms are for your prospective employer's enhanced maternity package... And work out how long You would have to stop TTC for. Then weigh up if its worth it. It sounds like it might be from how miserable you are. And remember even if you got pg and off shifts you'd still be in a workplace you didn't like.

You usually need to be in a job for 26 weeks before OMP applies, but that does vary between employers. You have plenty of time to TTC, so it is feasible for you to put TTC on hold for a 4 or 5 months whilst you get stuck into a new job. There is no point staying in a job that is making you miserable for the sake of TTC.