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13 replies

coggy · 06/05/2006 09:42

Just to say that I haven't abandoned you after that mini-rant. I know EXACTLY how you feel. The more you initiate the more obvious it is and then they get 'put off' by the pressure and then you feel yucky and then you argue and then you are hardly likely to get pg......can you tell that I've been there??!!
Had to start a new converstaion because I have been trying to 'add a new message' for about 20 minutes on the other thread and it is well and truely jammed - the other threads are working but I think I've done something to the May one! Blush
I will return to it as soon as I am able!!

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peachygirl · 06/05/2006 11:06

Thanks Coggy I really appreciate it. Things came to a bit of a head last night but we did end up 'doing it'.
At the moment I'm not really sure what to to, I'm thinking of giving up for a while as I'm almost sure in my heart of hearts that DH isn't ready for it all.
however waiting for this time scares me greatly especailly due to the fact that 1 friend has just had a failed IVF attempt another is strugling after two years and we have 'family stuff' which means I should probably get on with it all sooner rather than later.
Dh isn't keen to talk about it all and I have challenged him and said if you are not ready you need to say so and we will wait.
At the moment I'm also not feeling too appreciated by him. I regularly tell him how nice he looks how much I love different aspects of him physically and emotionally/mentally but he never seem to say these things to me. Last night I said his and said can you say something nice and he said he liked it that I had made a lovely sandwich for his lunch which really upset me.
maybe I am also feeling that it is time life worked around me. I suported him through the PHD, moved down to the south for him, may have to move again as he is now appliying for new jobs, all the time feeling tht it will be delaying the one thing I now really want.
I feel really upset writing this as I don't want to be one of thse 'mad' I have to have a bay now women and have managed to be quite chilled about it all until now.
I'm really sorry.

coggy · 06/05/2006 13:45

Bless you Peachy - I've just read this message.
I've got a client coming in a few minutes but I will come on and type properly when she has gone.
Just quickly tho' dh is desperate to have another baby but he still gets the too tired/ stresed/ do it tomorrow thing. It doesn't necessarily mean he's not as keen.
Speak later.

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coggy · 06/05/2006 15:52

Peachy - I'll be around tomorrow afternoon if you want to talk. I'll have my planning to do - always good to have a bit of a distraction eh?

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Hopecat · 06/05/2006 15:57

Peachy: it's not mad to want to have a baby right now, it's you listening to your body clock! Don't know if you read the thread about the 63-year-old who conceived by IVF, but it was pretty damning. We have society telling us that on the one hand we must be emancipated and have careers and not settle down too young, and on the other hand that we should have our kids by 35 or we're too old.

With conflicting pressures like that, it's no wonder that when we finally get to the stage where we're in a stable relationship and have got our career on track, we then realise we've got a pretty short window to fit it all in - and panic!

Please don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like your DH is being frustratingly vacillatory about this. I'm sure he has his reasons, but in my experience men have to be sat down and made to talk. Why don't you take him to some neutral territory - a pub or something - and have a relaxed chat?

Sorry if I sound like I'm lecturing, but I've been in similar situations so many times with uncommunicative (ex) boyfriends, and I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

wannaBe1974 · 06/05/2006 16:59

Peachy (((hugs)))
I think it can be so hard when you feel you’re doing everything for one person and getting nothing in return. I think that we’ve all been there at some point and I think that often dh’s either just don’t get it because they’re not on the same emotional wavelength as us, or because the priorities are different for them. I think sometimes it almost boils down to that primitive “man being the hunter gatherer” type thing. They feel they have to move because they want to apply for a different job, and what we want isn’t that important “we can try for a baby tomorrow/next month/next year, this job won’t come up again”. It’s very natural to want a baby “now”, it’s what your body is telling you to do, and no-one should tell you you’re wrong for wanting that.

If you ever want to talk, send me an email to cl[email protected] and I’ll mail you back my phone number.

(((hugs))) xx

Husband2006 · 06/05/2006 17:38

I am peachygirl's husband. The first anniversary of my father's death is coming up this week, and as well as dealing with this, I have to deal with a mother who is not the easiest person to deal with at the best of times (as my wife will be the first to tell anyone willing to listen), and has become increasingly dependent on me for support. This will be especially true on the day itself, when I will have to be with her on my own for much of it.

Yet all I have had from my wife all week is her non-stop ‘I want a baby now’ obsession, and emotional blackmail that ‘if we don’t conceive now, we never will’, as if this week is the final possible chance for her to conceive.

So, thank you, harpies of the internet, it really helps to know the world is judging me right now, you insensitive f*s.

Oh, yeah, and I was only being polite about the sandwich – the bread was dry and the salad limp.

trace2 · 06/05/2006 18:03

just found this, sorry with what you two are going through, and yes you guessed it, been throught it, and got throught it, and you two will the same. all us girls feel like this( like its never going to happen, and for some it dont) but we have to lean on each other for surport .
peachys hubby i myself lost my mum not long ago, and i look after my dad now too, and i find it hard work and upsetting, and dont want to get on with my life some times, but we have too.

i know that from what peachy as said about you is all good, and if you read the posts they are sticking up for you. its sounds like you are both feeling a little down for diffrent reasons. but please pull togerther. i hope you dont mind me telling you this, as i dont know you in persons, but we do care about peachyxxxxx

coggy · 06/05/2006 20:05

Shame - I thought I was actually sticking up for you rather Peachy's husband.

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peachygirl · 06/05/2006 20:10

I've just found this and thanks Dh for thant meassage. Actually I realised the coincidence of the timing of my ranting and have been feeling guilty all day about it.
Thanks all but I suppose after this a bit of time away from Mumsnet is in order

coggy · 06/05/2006 20:11

I think we all undersatnd Peachy - don't worry.
I appreciate dh's side as well as ours - we've been through it all.

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Hopecat · 06/05/2006 20:12

Peachy - you there? Hope you're ok hon x

wannaBe1974 · 06/05/2006 20:38

Hello peachy’s husband :)

Firstly, am so sorry for your loss, and while I can never know what you are going through, I hope that the next week will be a positive time for you, rathen than one of painful memories.

Secondly, no-one is judging you, we all sound off on here sometimes, we’ve all been through the part where we think our dh’s aren’t as committed to getting pg as we are, and so we all understand that sometimes husbands feel like sperm doners and nothing more, even though that’s not really the case. And we’ve all been through the experience of our husbands thinking we’re obsessed with having a baby, and yes, I guess it is a bit of an obsession, but it’s one driven by a physical desire to conceive, carry and give birth to a child, and is something that men really can’t understand because they don’t have a physical “need” to have a baby. But by the same token, it can be hard for women to see past that desire to have a baby, and see the husband that they call upon only during certain times of the month to “perform” in order for that baby to be conceived. When you visit a site like this one, the realities of potential infertility become all too apparent. These boards are literally flooded with messages from people who have been trying for a baby from as little as one month up to several years, and for some, there really does come a point when it is now or never.

One of the joys of the internet is that you can post your deepest darkest secrets on there and you can do it under an assumed name, so therefore, it’s anonomous, although most of us know of each others’ situations, none of us know each other personally, to peachy I am wannabe and to me she is peachy and if we passed each other in the street neither of us would know who the other was. So even though I might divulge my inner most secrets to a whole online community, it’s technically still anonomous, we write things on here that we wouldn’t tell our real life friends because it saves any awkwardness and you can sound off while still knowing that people don’t really know who you are.

I wish you both the best of luck for the future, together you can sort out what is best for you both, and I wish you both every happiness.

Of course I don’t expect a response to this message, but wanted to write it anyway. Peachy my offer still stands, feel free to email me any time :)

coggy · 06/05/2006 21:21

WannaBe - I think I may print off some of your last post for my husband to read. He thinks it's odd that I write 'personal' things on here to 'strangers' but you have explained how it is brilliantly. You're so right - we do share weird and intimate details that I would NEVER divulge even a fraction of to RL people who really know me.
You always write really wisely.

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