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Conception

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Original poster

Baby 3 in my forties - yes or no???

12 replies

goat1 · 07/02/2013 12:24

Help!! Some advice needed. I have ds age 5 and dd age 3(and a half). I am now 40 (and a half!) and decision time has come to stick with lovely two that we have or go for no. 3. I can not make decision - every time I think of risks I am terrified of what can go wrong, decide that I am soooo lucky to have my two, getting quality of life back again etc but then I think about another little person in the mix and back I go again. Friends with 3 have all said to me they had the yearning for another but I don't seem to be overly clucky. Anyone out there who has been there or is there now??

OP posts:

VisualiseAHorse · 07/02/2013 21:46

My mum had her 7th at 44. It is doable. I did tell her she was being silly (when you take into account all the risks to baby), but she was very very lucky and had an extremely healthy boy who is now 7.

I'd say if you want to do it, start trying now! How does your OH feel about it?

Chrysanthemum5 · 07/02/2013 21:48

When dc2 was newborn I was very keen for another. But DH was always clear about only wanting two children. Then due to a health issue (DH not me) we definitely had to stop at 2. There are times when I still feel a little sad i'll. never be pregnant again, but I'm 44 now and the DCs are at school so in general I feel pretty happy with my two.

McGilly · 08/02/2013 01:24

Hello I'm new and joined because I feel compelled to give you my experience. It's a big yes - definitely try if you want a number three. I had dd at 38, ds1 at 42 and now ds2 at 44. Ds2 is now nearly 1 and I'm shattered of course. He is the biggest, strongest, healthiest of the three and the worst of three terrible sleepers. I haven't had more than a three hour block of sleep for over a year (including late pregnancy) and my mind is definitely close to snapping some days. Of course the costs are higher, the dynamics are different and our house is cramped ... But I could not live without him. Physically I am fitter than ever - pregnancy and birth was mostly fantastic. I could worry about being a 50+ mum at school but I don't - there are worse things that could happen. I know that a third at my age is like winning the lottery (won't be trying to win it again though!)

Original poster

goat1 · 10/02/2013 18:42

Thank you so much for replies - very heartening!!

OP posts:

semillon · 12/02/2013 16:24

Hi goat1, I'm in exactly the same position as you, but a year older. DS and DD same age as yours. I had a MMC last May, but have had the yearning for no.3 for a long time - we always planned to have 3, but after 2 sleepless wonders our relationship took a back seat. (Still didn't put me off mind you, I must be crazy )

The MMC pregnancy wasn't planned, financially things were tight, so i'd taken morning after pill after a slip up, which didn't work. When I got my BFP, we were both shocked, but over the moon and I think after it, we feel there's a definite space in our lives for no.3, in addition to DS and DD constantly asking for a baby in the house!

We haven't been trying since the MMC, but have decided we're just going to see what happens over the next 3 months, not worry about date checking or purposely choosing to try. Of course, we were intimate 10 days ago and I'm now in 2WW and obsessively symptom spotting, unbeknown to DH

I guess timing wise, DD will be at school full-time in sept, so I'm probably starting to feel a bit redundant - I took a career break (which am unlikely to return to) 2 years ago, and now am happy working in a bar 3 nights a week, so I feel I've made the decision already that I'm a home bird now, and I don't want this phase to be over just yet.

Hope you make the right decision for yourselves, good luck!

ohcluttergotme · 12/02/2013 17:52

I would say go for it. I've been humming & hawing about having a third. I had my first at 21, 2nd at 31 & cause I have a dd who is nearly 14 I feel at 34 too old to be trying again. But I am so broody, happily married to my partner of 12.5 years & want to give my 3 year old ds a sibling. I love what another poster has said about working in a bar at night. I work as psychiatric nurse part-time & resent giving my childminder £400 per month & miss my ds. Definitely think go for it, I am

Queenie72 · 12/02/2013 18:00

Sounds like me I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and am
40, I feel I have one more baby in me if that makes sense!! I would want a 3 year gap this time which would make me 42.
Like you am going back and forth logic v hormones !
I have a few friends who said they had a yearning for a third but once they had 3 they felt they were done. With little one being 1 yesterday think it has made me sad that he has grown up fast. I say go for it , it will prob be hard work but as another poster said, once number 3 is here you would never regret / change it for the world but you may regret never having number 3!! Good luck c

willitbe · 12/02/2013 23:03

I had my third at age 40. My ds was 5 and my dd 4 when ds2 was born. I was hoping for a forth but that was not to be.

I would say that depite never regretting having ds2 and loving him to bits and him being a wonderful part of the family. It did have a big impact having him.

It is much harder to take three small children swimming or to the park by yourself compared to taking two. Holidays are more awkward with hotels taking two but not three children in a family room. We had to buy a bigger car for fitting the carseats across the back seat.

Three do not play together as well as two do, so frequently there are two playing together and one left out (one reason I wanted to add another into the mix!). The age-gap between my two ds' is too big for them to be close.

So overall, I think our family would have been very different and much easier with only two. This is despite my ds2 being the easiest and best child possible.

I would say to think carefully before taking the step of a third, but it is very hard to resist the pressure of the desire to want to try. It has taken 4 years and 11 miscarriages since my ds2 was born for me to reach a point of realising that sticking at 3 for me is now the right thing, rather than going for a 4th. So I can understand the desire for "one more", and the slow creep towards menopause making the need to procreate more urgent. I hope that my putting an alternative view helps?

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 13/02/2013 14:13

ARGHHHHH, I feel the same. I have 2 DS's (6 and 2) and I'm about 3 years younger than you. I always wanted 2 DC but have been thinking about a third ever since DS2 was born. Some days I feel like I must be crazy to even consider it again, esp in the middle of night when I have to get up to DS2. Other times I think, "yes, definitely, it will be amazing, we can cope". I feel like I need the decision to be made, just to move on, but it's the biggest decision I've/we've had to make! Financially and space-wise we have the means- logistically and energy-wise, I just don't know!

fizzpopbang · 15/02/2013 11:44

I think its wonderful you all have so much love. To give.
However, with so many children desperately needing a safe happy home, and the extra life skills a more mature women has to hand, maybe adoption is feasible?? I ask because of the horrid savile affair reminded me how many young people are left alone and defenseless. And you could help? Plus instead of being 70 at their 30th you could be 65..?

willitbe · 15/02/2013 21:02

Adoption - great in theory but I was told in no uncertain terms I was "too old to adopt" at age 40. So I personal am going to become a foster carer instead.

Beatrixpotty · 16/02/2013 19:25

I'll be almost 40 when DS3 arrives in a couple of weeks.My other 2 are 3.5 & 2.Because I was relatively old meeting DH & getting married we had to pack them in quickly and I've seen every one as a bonus,I felt like I was lucky to have DS1 at 36 and when discussing delivery options I felt sure that I would not have more than 2.But during the pregnancy with DS2 I felt like maybe this wasn't going to be the last time..and he is such a lovely boy,and having 2 really wasn't too difficult,and DH was v keen for a third so we decided to go for it,on my terms that if nothing happened by the time I was 40 we would call it a day as I don't think I could go through the disappointment every month of hoping it would happen & failing,and also didn't want to risk age-related complications when I already had 2 so my thought process was if it happens easily,it's meant to be,if not ,I was tempting fate...I was v lucky and conceived the 1st month.I'm looking forward v much to DS3 but being pregnant has made me too tired to feel like I'm a proper mum to DSs1&2,if I wasn't pregnant I'd be doing a lot more active stuff with them. I'm also worried about none of them getting enough attention with an extra brother especially as they are all quite young.I think had it not happened in my time frame I would have accepted that it wasn't meant to be & I could have rationalised that just 2 boys is lovely.But if you are not sure,you can only try and see what happens.Sorry this is a bit long-winded but just thought I'd share my thought process as someone who was in an almost similar situation.

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