Will he/won't he....really want #3

[MaybeAgain]

My DH is digging his heals in about baby #3 and its making me so sad. I can't talk to anyone about it really as I've not spoken to anyone about wanting another baby (other than my good friend but she is having a bad time with her health at the moment so I don't feel like I can moan to her).....so, I was hoping to offload on here and ask for some advice maybe.

We have 2 great children (DD aged 9 & DS aged 6) and we are now both 31. I've been wanting another baby for a while. When I tried to bring up the subject with DH he gave a definite 'no' and wouldn't discuss it. As I'm serious about wanting another baby, I wrote it all down in a letter and gave it to him, gave him a week to digest and then asked again. He said he didn't want one right now but would in the future, that was just after Christmas. I've mentioned trying in April, as DH said he definitely does not want a baby this year, and we also have a holiday in April (less stress). He also said he wants to do 'stuff' to the house first, so we've been shopping for tiles!

Anyway, it's been a month since we've discussed it properly (feels like a year as I'm thinking about it every day) although I 'mention' it in conversation every now and then. I said a few weeks ago that I would come off my pill to get it out of my system, he agreed to this. Yesterday, I got my AF, which seems like a step towards TTC for me. I was a little excited about it actually, and said to my DH, 'doesn't it feel like its a step towards our new baby, aren't you excited?' And he said 'no, I haven't thought about it at all'. It felt like a kick in the nuts! I think about it every day, many times a day, and I know that he probably doesn't (definitely doesn't) but I thought we were making 'progress'. I've said to him that, as we are both older now, it's unlikely to happen in month 1 (that being April) but even if, by some magic, we did, then baby wouldn't be due until 2014. Usually, my DH is on the same wavelength as me but its so upsetting that I want this so much but he doesn't seem to be in the same place.

April isn't actually that long away, it probably seemed it just after Christmas but its creeping nearer. I'm feeling that its becoming less & less likely that he's going to want to start TTC then. But, I'm 32 this year too, I don't want to leave it much longer either.

Sorry for having a moan. Did anyone else find this with their OHs? Is there any advice? Am I being totally unreasonable?

Well he didn't object to you coming off the pill so that's positive. Sounds like you just need to have a little more patience even if it is very hard.

Hi maybe again, my situation seems similar to yours. We have dd's aged 6 and 8, and I have been banging on about number 3 for erm about 4 years . I think that lots of men see the logic of. 2 kids, especially if you have a dd and ds. My dp is concerned about having a child with a serious health problem, about staying financially afloat. I think that without a specific hormonal urge to procreate, many men are very happy to stop at 2.

I have no positive stories to tell you about guys going on to 3 reluctantly and then loving it. . . I'd love to hear some, as I feel I've badgered him into agreeing to no 3 and that has totally taken the shine off it for me. I want him to be interested and engaged with the process, but doubt that he will. It's totally put me off. I just wish some of the impetus came from him.

So to answer your questions, I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think your experience is probably very common, but I have no advice other than be patient! I wish I could take my own advice!

Hi maybe sorry it's not going as quick as you'd like but I also think that it's a good sign he's agreed to stopping your pill.
If he was set against it then I don't see why he'd agree to that knowing it could just happen any time once your body is cleared from the hormones.

Do you think it's possible he doesn't want to make a conscious decision to 'do it' could he have agreed to your stopping the pill and is looking at it as - 'if it happens it happens' an accident kind of thing? Iyswim?

Anyway, as you have his full permission/agreement to stop contraception there's nothing to stop you monitoring your ovulation and initiating sex bang on the right time around that. He can't really complain can he :)

Hello there MaybeAgain.

I am in the same situation as you. I have a ds aged 6 and a dd aged 4. I have wanted a third for more than a year, I think about it a lot, and like you it makes me sad. My dh really didn't want another and was taken aback when he discovered I wanted another, I think he just assumed I wanted 2.

Last October I became pg by accident, I could't believe it. I was secretly chuffed and scared about telling DH. It took me more than a week to pluck up courage. We were having a very bad time at home and considering all that was going on he was really kine initially. Then as the weeks went on a few unkind phrases came into conversation 'This is the worst thing that has ever happened to us' and 'you can't even cope with the two children you have got' which was upsetting.

I suffer from depression and became so anxious and down, I became convinced I would miscarry, then I began to have some spotting and sure enough I miscarried just before christmas. I was gutted, and still am. My DH was not bothered about it, which showed me just how much he didn't want another, so now I am even more desperate to have another and he is more desperate not to, so we are stuck!! I don't know what to do.

Like you I have written it all down in a letter but haven't given it to him, I don't see the point. I found it therapeutic though.

I have written about this before on here and the responses that came back just said I needed to just accept that I wouldn't have another child with him which is hard.

Maybe: I think it seems quite positive for you though. The fact that he doesn't mind that you've come off the pill, you are in control a bit more as dondon says you just need to time it right, a few drinks etc.

I have not been on the pill ever DH uses a condom so every time we dtd now and we get to the condom bit I feel so sad and I just want to stop and I don't feel like did very much anymore because of this.

Leafmould I totally agree with you about mens logic of wanting two. My DH is most against it because he thinks it will ruin the dynamic of our family. He thinks the older two will lose their close relationship.

sorry about the long waffle

Thank you for your replies.

leafmould I think you're right about men and 2 children. I think I shocked DH when I mentioned a 3rd. I would love him to be as excited as me but maybe he never will be.

don I think you have a point about him not making a conscious decision, he never likes to make decisions at all, would rather me organise everything so maybe I should be thinking along the same lines

woose I'm so sorry to hear about your MC. Sending you a big hug.
I've never written a letter to my DH before (or anyone) but I felt like he wasn't listening. It's the best thing I could have done as he took the time to read it. Maybe think about giving your letter to your DH?

I haven't really moved forward much since my first post although I've managed to mention it in conversation on a daily basis