Big dilemma - another child?

[butterflyroom]

Posting here in hope of a response instead of WWYD - thanks.

Five years ago I was married, pregnant and looking forward to starting a family - only it didn't quite turn out like that....

Very shortly after DS (nearly 5)was born, he became very ill and still has ongoing medication to ensure he doesn't become ill now. He was in and out of hospital which was very very difficult. Our marriage wasn't cut out for the additional stress and my (Ex) DH ended up having an affair. We split up when DS was one and times were hard. Looking back now I am sure that I also had PND. Other stresses dodn't help including a traumatic birth leading to an emergency CS under general anaesthetic and unsupportive health visitors who pressured me to pursue BF when I never got enough milk coming through.

Anyway, I got through the hard times, worked hard to forge an amicable realtionship with ex (he sees DS once a week) and after a year and a half met a lovely man.

When we first got together I made it pretty clear that I wasn't really looking for marriage and more children but after 2 1/2 years together I could still take or leave marriage but another child is consuming my thoughts! My OH has never been married and has no children of his own

Here's why it would be a bad idea -
My OH is very very undecided. He says he would probably like children (although he adores my DS and plays an active role in his life) but I'm nearly 38! I can't hang on much longer and don't really want to.

I work full time and additional childcare costs would really stretch us financially. There is no way I could go to part time. It wouldn't be viable. Thankfully I don't work late into the evening and don't work weekends although I wish I could work part time.

My OH on the other hand, works 3 on 3 off. When he's at work I'd have work and both the children on my own until 10pm each night. Now I know single parents do it and I was a single parent with a baby for a while myself but I'm apprehensive about the difference between balancing the needs of one and two children.

I'm scared of PND returning.

My DS is used to be an only. I'm apprehensive about the effect a sibling might have - sharing my time and less attention for him.

The positives -

Hard to say. Why can't I stop thinking about it??
My DS might benefit from a sibling.
I want a positive experience of having and raising a baby (loving raising my son but didn't feel that way when he was a baby)

Sorry for the long post. Not really sure what I'm asking, thought this might help me clarify my thoughts and I value the opinions of mumnetters

I love being a mummy - I'm older than you have had 3 since I was your age.

I think you could always regret not having another but not regret having had one.

Thanks for the reply izzy

Hi - understand that time is not a luxury you have for years and years. You say you think you had PND, well if that is a concern for another child you could go and visit your gp and get them to check you out, take medication to help improve chemical imbalance etc.

I think for me, having unrealistic expectations of what it would like to have a child didn't help - having talked to a senior midwife post birth she said most first time Mums have damage after birth or a c-section, they expect that. For her it was normal, I guess I dreamt of a lovely water birth etc and didn't get it. So I guess I am saying if you go into birth and motherhood a second time, perhaps don't hope for what might not happen, get support in place early (children's centre workers, go to baby groups, be happy to bottle feed if it suits you and ignore health visitors that don't support you etc).

Regarding work and being a Mummy, I guess the advantage of your partner's shift pattern is that although you will be with dc until 10pm alone for 3 days in a row on the other 3 days he can be there all the time, rather than the usual 2hrs before bed!! So once children into a routine and in bed early then in some ways you gain - my 10m old ds goes to bed at 7pm now, so you would only have from work till 7pm alone 3 days in 6? Trying to make things sound more positive.

Can't comment on dp wanting a child, but I would guess you would need to be positive to him about adding to your family?

All the best in what you decide.

Oh - I had pnd, and things I found helping were medication options, dh giving me lie ins when not at work (using a bottle rather than breastfeeding - this I only did when I hit exhaustion! wish done it before that point), dh doing night wakings when not at work so we both shared the pain and I wasn't struggling all day alone with baby and going out every day - finding groups to go to, activities to do etc!!

Really great advice. Thanks so much x