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DH dosent want another baby but I'm so broody..anyone else with same problem?

23 replies

jordie · 18/04/2006 15:10

Not sure if this is the right place to ask this but I'm broken hearted at the thought that DH wants to let DD be an only child :( He thinks that we just cannot afford another baby as we are struggling since DD was born 15 months ago and we are both working full time but surely there has to be more to life.

Has anyone else come up against the same problem or am I being unreasonable and unfair to DH? I just cant get it out of my mind..

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/04/2006 15:13

15 months? That's not really that long. I'd give it another year and then see how he feels.

bobblehead · 18/04/2006 16:16

Hi Jordie, expat is right that things may change alot in a year and he could be quite happy about it then. That said, I know it is impossible to forget about it when you really want another. My dd is nearly 11 months and I so want to be pregnant but have yet to get af as I bf. Perhaps you could both sit down and work out exactly how much it would cost and see if there's any feasible way you could do it. If you have alot of baby stuff left over, and you breastfeed, etc. it may not cost as much as you think. On the other hand if you just cannot afford the time off work you will understand his point of view and perhaps you could agree a time you will review the situation, to give yourself a timeframe to focus on before ttc again.

jordie · 19/04/2006 14:12

Thanks expat & bobblehead. I know that you're both right and I'm probably over-reacting but we've been together a long time and he is very sensible when it comes to money and stuff so unless circumstances change in the next year or so I cant imagine that he'll change his mind, we have a big mortgage which means we both have to work and I suppose we do spend too much money on luxuries for our little family Blush I suppose I'm just feeling very broody, a condition men dont seem to be inflicted with, and the clock is ticking (I'm 36 now)
I love DD more than anything and will be perfectly happy if mother nature wants her to stay an only child but would like the opportunity to at least try for another baby maybe next year. I dont want to sound ungratefull when so many of you are TTC for a long time on your first babies but I come from a very close knit family and know what a gift it is to have brothers and sisters.

Sorry girls just wanted a whinge...

OP posts:
tashy · 19/04/2006 22:29

Hi Jordie
Oh dear, it's a difficult one - I know exactly how you feel, as I desperately want another child. I still feel this way, even though I've got PND - it's such a strong maternal instinct that if you want another one it's extremely difficult to ignore it. I'm sorry I'm not being much help here, I just wanted to say to you I know how you feel...is there any way you can 'softly softly' get him to re-consider?

secur · 19/04/2006 22:37

Can you tighten your collective belts for a while and save up a bit of spare cash then go back and say to dh, this is what I have saved in this amount of time without any real difference to our lifestyle. that way the money you save could go towards initial outlay and he will se that it is possible to cut back on the luxuries etc without causing you too much difficulty?

knakered · 20/04/2006 10:20

I was in the same situation I already had 3 but desperately wanted a 4th it took some badgering -- there will be nearly a 5 year gap between 3 &4,,.........we just got to a stale mate...we both knew how strongly the other felt and for a long time we could not get to a point on this....finally my husband said that he could not take responsiblity for denying me something that was so important to me. I think men get hung up on the practicalities esp around money...good suggestion to tighten the reigns and prove it is possible. Stick with it - dont deny yourself on you child another person to love.

3catstoo · 20/04/2006 13:33

Knakered, that sounds just like my current situation only my DH hasn't given in yet. Have 3 but am sooo desperate for another it is unbelievable. I can think of nothing else, it's taken over. Like you, we have reached a stalemate. He definately doesn't and I absoluetly do! It is the practical bit like you say that DH is thinking of. I do see where that comes from but it doesn't make those broody feelings go away! My number 3 is 2 in 2 weeks. I have DS (6), DD1 (almost 5) and DD2 (almost 2). I don't want anymore than 3 years between them so need to get a result fast. I have felt lkie this for about 18mths I think. But only approached DH about it in Sept last year.
I'm using Persona to monitor my cycle just in case.
Any tips on the persuading front - Knakered.
Not much help to your original question sorry, but you are not alone (not quite the same as I have others I know but the reasoning is the same).
15 mths is still quite young but if you would like them closer together I can see where you are coming from.
As an only child myself I would love to have siblings. Maybe I wouldn't as a child but I really would now.
From my perspective as an only child I think of how I will get through the loss of my parents (not approaching yet but the thought is there having seen 6 aunties rally round when Gramps died). It will be just me. No one to share the care of them with or to deal with aftermath.
Not all siblings get on but I would have liked to have had a chance.
Hope that helps to give you some ammunition and doesn't upset you further.

PeachyClair · 20/04/2006 14:10

i'm in this situation too- I desperately want a fourth though so perhaps I am greedy Blush. Dh has given me a caveat (is that the right word?) that he will consider it if I can improve the finances, that was the boost i'd always needed to apply to Uni and I'm a year in!.

if he willa ctually go through with I don't know. he would like a daughter (we have three boys) and we did initially plan 4, however ds1 has Sn which is draing so I can kinda see where he is coming from. It's difficult and you have my sympathies.

jordie · 25/04/2006 13:34

Thanks girls but it really does make me feel better knowing that others are in similar situations. Thats a great idea secur about tightening the belt and trying to save a bit and we're still in the first year of a new mortgage so it will get easier. It's amazing how little stuff DD needs now that she is a toddler compared with always spending when she was a baby and we put loads of baby clothes and essentials in the loft over the weekend which I'm sure he would have asked to give to charity or sell if he really resigned himself to having only one child!!

I'm not so hormanal this week so I think I can see light at the end of the tunnel. 3catstoo, DH is a lot younger than his siblings (a bit of an aftertought) so more or less grew up on his own and now as adults they are not close at all so you'd think he'd be the first to suggest another baby. I suppose men just dont have the urge to procreate as much as we do. I will work on him again before Xmas, I'm sure he'll enjoy TTC if nothing else :o

OP posts:
3catstoo · 27/04/2006 09:16

Jordie, I'm glad you've cheered up. That's the trouble with really big gaps. It's almost like having 2 only children. A friend of mine had 3 children in 5 years and then 8 years later had her 4th. She said it was not a good idea. The youngest thinks he's a teenager (he's 5) and wants to go out with his friends just like his brothers do. His language has suffered too after being around much older children.
Sometimes it can't be helped though.
All the best in trying to persuade your DH. Do keep us updated. Hopefully we will all have some positive news by Xmas as you say.

tashy · 28/04/2006 21:59

Here's to positive news!

cazzybabs · 28/04/2006 22:19

YEP - Dh wants more time to spend with our children and for him...I want nu3. I ground him down with nagging and tears! So at the mo we are TTC no 3 - but who knows if it will happen! (I really really want 4)

jamiesam · 28/04/2006 22:26

cazzybabs - that was my technique too Grin. My dh eventually said that I was more unhappy that we weren't going to have no. 3 than he would be if we did. And now I'm 14 weeks pg.

Jordie - think of more money saving measures? My and dh's employers have recently introduced nursery vouchers which together save us I think £100 a month in nursery fees. It took a lot of nagging my employer but as you can see is worth it.

But also, perhaps explore if there are other reasons your dh doesn't want more babies. My dh didn't really want to admit that he was worried that having another baby at my advanced age (cheek!) would put at risk our 'perfect' family. TBH, he's never very good at the pg stage - frets too much poor lamb!

3catstoo · 02/05/2006 10:28

Funny you should mention looking into other reasons why DH's are not so keen. Mine is worried about the health of another child. Our 3rdhas a funny shaped head (plagiocephaly to be technical). Her head will never be a 'normal' shape, she will have to have a fringe forever to hide her protruding forehead. She also walked much later than the other 2 and had to have physio to help her do that. Just physical things though!! But DH thinks of it as some kind of abnormality (he loves her to bits) and worries that a fourth baby might be even worse.
I think I need to look into whether it is possible for subsequent children to get this head thing.
Personally I think it was just down to me not putting her on her tummy enough when she was diddy. So it's all my fault and I vow not to do it again with another - wonder if that will work in trying to convince him.
Perhaps I'll start a thread about plagiocephaly on here to see if anyone can enlighten me.

fresco · 02/05/2006 15:49

hi ladies

i am very sad at all those who feel they cant have another one.
we have dd1 who is almost 27 months,dd2 who is 5 months,baby no3 on the way.dh i must say is the best husband in the world huaband and loves kids to bits.i must also admit that this time i have sneakily charted my basal temp and fell pregnant on the first cycle to my damned amazement.if i was so brooding and it drives me crazy ,no doubt i would do my best to fall pg.but thats me.
Jordie, if u was pg, would your dh leave you?
we never go on holidays, dh only works, i am a stay at home mother and we never buy ourselves new clothes or xpensive food, but we are happy and love each other.I think thats the most important

Mamgu · 02/05/2006 16:23

Hi 3catstoo.
Have you looked on the web for information. I found this, 'cranial remoulding using a STARband™. I don't think it was anything you did when the baby was small. When I had my 3 we were just told to alternate left and right side when lying down.

3catstoo · 02/05/2006 18:07

Hi Fresco,
That sounds perfect to me !!
I think we all expect too much these days.
A friend of mine is expecting her 3rd (an accident) She has a 4 bed house with downstairs study, kitchen big enough for table, sep diner, lounge and huge hall. After finding out she was pg for 3rd time she said @where can I put another one? We don't have room@ To which I replied, you still have a spare room though.' Silly old me, that's for guests !!!! Now they are planning the next extention so that they don't have to lose the guest room.
She is a good friend but please what is this world coming to?
We have a small 3 bed house. My 2 girls share a room (my son stays in their room during hols as he gets lonely in his room). I'm happy to have another in this house. It may be full of toys and childrens stuff but hey that's what a home is like isn't it?

Sorry, I had a rant.

3catstoo · 02/05/2006 18:14

MamGu,
The starbands are ok for younger babies. My daughter is 2 so I think she is beyond repair (so to speak).
Thanks though.
I was told that I hadn't put her on her tummy enough so she spent alot of time on her back. She hated being on her tummy so I didn't persist. She looks ok though.
I just wanted to reassure DH that it wasn't going to happen again.

ChicPea · 02/05/2006 23:35

3catstoo, my DS had plagio and we went down the headband route. I can tell you right now that if you have another baby and s/he has a placid nature and you place him/her on his/her back then there is a chance that s/he will have it. But now that you have experience of it if you place baby on his/her side and also have tummy time then the chances are much lower. You are now informed of the risks and I am sure you will take great care to avoid this now.

I employed a maternity nurse for the first 6wks while I worked full tiem and she left him on his back for hours and of course his head went flat at the back. We had a headband fitted at 9mths to 15mths and it really improved the shape. Having said that, doctors need educating as they all say it will sort itself out. We also saw a consultant neurosurgeon at great ormond street who said that he was going to write to the Ryl College of Peadiatricians as they needed to know how this can be avoided. I think there will be much greater awareness of this in 5-10 years time as the main worry with a small baby has been cot death and not head shape. I took my peadiatrician before and after photos of DS and he apologised that he had told me not to worry and which assured me (wrongly) that it was just a matter of time. He told me that based on what I have told and shown him that he has changed his advice to his patients.

Last word: I am sure that you won't have the plagio again as you are now very well informed of the condition.

Anyway,

3catstoo · 03/05/2006 13:13

Thanks Chicpea.
That's the trouble if you have a placid baby and have stuff to do. Although my 2nd child spent ages in her bouncy chair as she hated being carried. Her head is fine (on the outside anyway!! She's completely neurotic though !)
I guess we can just do our best to avoid too much time spent on the back.

Thanks again.

jordie · 03/05/2006 14:07

Hi again girls. Sorry to hear about your DD's head 3catstoo, I didnt realise that could happen if you put them on their back for too long but its obviously not a genetic problem so no worries there. Fresco I understand what you're saying about money etc and no way would DH leave if I was pg, sure DD was a surprise too so we've kinda been there before. I dont want to misquote you Fresco but I really wouldnt be comfortable tricking DH into me getting pg, besides I'm on the pill at the moment so would have to come off that before TTC.

Think I'll stick to the plan and return to the issue with him after the summer. Some really close friends of ours are having their 2nd in September so that might make him think again..fingers crossed. it's like what one of you said, if he knows how much I want it to happen and how it might effect me in the future if he continues to say no maybe he'll think twice and change his mind. Wink

OP posts:
fresco · 03/05/2006 14:16

hi 3catstoo

your friends house sounds like the dream home to me with plenty of room for 3 bairns indeed.your friend , i guess, must like the comfort and luxury? nothing wrong with that if she does, but yes she should get her priorities right. then again, everyone is different isntit.

3catstoo · 05/05/2006 14:18

Oh yes if you can do it then why not but I was just trying to point out that we expect these things now. What's wrong with living happily in a small house with children sharing.
Everybody has cleaners, ironing ladies and big houses these days and it doesn't mean they spend more time with the little ones either.
My childen aren't bothered by the size of our house compared to some of their friends so why should it bother me. We're happy in our small and messy house!!

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