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Conception

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Original poster

Is enough ever enough?

21 replies

Marshmellow · 28/03/2006 20:25

I have all i have/had ever wanted. A husband and 2 children. BUT i still CANNOT except that that is it. My dh is happy to end the whole baby thing and if truth be known is finding having children alot harder than he ever thought. Dd1 has never ever slept through the night and has thrown a rather depressing vibe over the whole parenting thing but i feel totally depressed when i think that my child bearing days are over. I want to spend more time with my dh and i want to enjoy all the things we can now do because they are a bit older but at the same time i want to do the pregancy/baby thing again. Is enough ever enough or do i just want it all?

OP posts:

SomethingAboutMary · 28/03/2006 20:30

Hmm will be interested in reading this thread as i feel exactly the same apart from not really had problems on the sleeping front with kids but dp is quite happy to stop now, but one half of me says stop & think about OUR life when we are older & the other half of me is saying i do not want to stop cause i want to do the whole pregnancy/baby/birth things again as much as i hate the birth
Thing is my 2nd child dd is only 10 weeks now

bubble99 · 28/03/2006 20:31

I'm probably not the best person to respond as I'm pregnant with number 4. What I do think though is that you'll never regret having another child but you may well regret not having had another child.

SomethingAboutMary · 28/03/2006 20:36

The way i look at my situation is I am still young i have 2 wonderful kids that i am thankful for (all i ever wanted was 2) & a lovely dp, i also think about the realistic side of things about having another baby like could we afford it? Would we struggle in the future like going on family holidays, having nice things etc etc. Is this the right way to think about it? or should i not think like that?
Put all those things aside i would do it tomorrow.

Original poster

Marshmellow · 28/03/2006 20:37

As sad as it may sound....i often find myself looking at old lady's when i'm out and about wondering whether they regret not having more children and now it is obviously too late. I feel stuck between a rock and hard place, wanting to enjoy the things you can enjoy when the children are a bit older but at the same time not wanting it to end!! I want holiays abroad etc and time to do my hair and makeup etc but at the same time can't accept no more babies!!! Ridiculous considering how little sleep i get and how little life we have just with the 2!!!

OP posts:

Nightynight · 28/03/2006 20:49

Its such a personal decision. I went for 4, which is my personal maximum, but was probably not the smartest decision in logical terms. Could never regret any of the children though. Do regret number 5 slightly, but know that any more would bring the house of cards tumbling down!

bubble99 · 28/03/2006 20:56

Makeup?? Doing hair??? Wassat, then??

I understand exactly what you mean about holidays etc and I think that you're being very level-headed in considering all of this. I knew that I wanted more than 2 children, though I hadn't fixed the upper limit! I'm one of three and always enjoyed growing up in what is probably still considered a large-ish family.

Oh! I don't know, Marshmellow. My gut advice is to say 'go for it', but only you know what is right for you and your family. One thing I do know though is that having all of your children piled into bed with you on a Sunday morning beats a holiday overseas anyday.

kama · 28/03/2006 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Mosschops30 · 28/03/2006 21:00

I think you know when you're finished. As soon as I had ds (also have a dd) I knew i wasnt done and wanted another. I cannot do it now, and it wont be ideal in another 3 years because the otjer 2 will be older and easier but its what I want.
I wouldnt say I'm particularly maternal either so its not that I just want lots of babies, just feel I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet!

cordobagirl · 28/03/2006 21:02

Hi, I know just how you feel. I have 2DDs and 1 DS and seem to spend every spare moment (there aren't many, admitedly) wondering whether to have a fourth. When I try and weigh it up logically, I always think I should settle for what I've got - and they're great. But there's always that feeling about never being PG again, giving birth again, thinking of names again.... DH says maybe, but he doesn't want to think about it now as he's just getting some 'us' time at last (DS is 14 months). But I don't want to leave it too much longer if we do, as - even with them close together - 4 inevitably means a long stretch of ages (e.g. oldest going to uni when youngest is still at primary school).

A friend of mine said recently that perhaps it's just that feeling of 'never again' that's so hard to cope with. I'm not sure. I know I'll always feel broody but I wouldn't want 5, I'm pretty sure of that.

Anyway, I've decided I can't face any more of my constant wonderings, so am going to ask DH to decide: either let's go for a 4th now, or have the snip. That way it'll be decided and I can day dream about something else.

Original poster

Marshmellow · 28/03/2006 22:11

That sounds like me....either get on and have another or lets seek closure in the snip!! Not entirely sure that i would be happy with that but at the same time don't want to take responsiblity for deciding to have a 3rd as he struggles enough with the 2 we have. We have no real family support so life for us has stopped since having children, yet i don't care...he does however! He always says that he will have another if it makes me happy and it is what i want but i want him to want it too. URGH why does it have to be so complicated!!!!!

OP posts:

cordobagirl · 30/03/2006 14:23

MM, I know - it's complicated, isn't it? All this weighing up the pros and cons. I have a million cons for a fourth on a practical level. The pros are more irrational!! - except for getting an entire row on an plane, but not sure that outweighs the rest of the difficulties! Maybe the pros are always irrational.

We don't have much support either because we live in Spain and our extended families are in the UK. They do come out sometimes, although inevitably it's like a holiday for them - so not always lots of support even then!!

Anyway, although I think 4 might be pushing the practical possibilities to the limit, I can definitely recommend three. Our older 2 DDs dote on their 14 month old brother. As I type they are running around after him and he is shrieking with delight.

fresco · 30/03/2006 15:57

i would say to follow your gut feelings.
we have 2 dds and are now ttc no3. i personnally want 4 and i would add to do it while you know you can still conceive.
i'd rather have all my bairns than go on expensive holidays, wear expensive make up or clothes...nothing beats, i think your dd or ds telling you i love you or when they jump on your bed at the weekend and start playful fights.
i would follow my desire before i cant conceive any more because too old or else!!

agalch · 30/03/2006 16:47

My ds1 and ds2 were 13 and 9 when we decided to have no3.When she hit 1 we had to have another as i felt the age gap was huge.My only regret(if you can call it that)is waiting so long to have dd.My dp wasn't sure if having another was a good idea and i didn't want him to feel pushed into it.Now that we are having no4 he is going for the snip and we both made that decision so enough is enough for me now.I think if you are not sure about your family being finished you should speak to your dp and remember there is time to have more.

cordobagirl · 30/03/2006 17:40

fresco, I agree with you that there are more important things than expensive clothes and holidays but one big consideration for me is the number of bedrooms we have. I remember when I was growing up that having my own space was really important. I wouldn't have wanted to share with a sibling when I was in my teens. If we had four, we'd need more bedrooms than we have now. Those with older children - what age do they start wanting their own room? I know it depends on the child, but interested in your opinions.

cece · 30/03/2006 17:45

I shared with my sister till I left home at end of University at 23 years.

We had always done it so although we went through a bad patch mid teens it was OK.

Straightforward · 30/03/2006 18:00

OMG - goes to show how much of a personal decision it can be! I was never going to have any children, and now I'm pg with our 2nd! I don't regret it for a moment, but am feeling mighty glad this is the last time!

You mentioned that your DH doesn't feel the same - will he stand by you when you are (even more!) sleep-deprived etc? Would you potentially regret in the future not investing more in your relationship now? What are your real motives for having another, deep down, and are there ways to satisfy those feelings without getting pg again?

Good luck with making the decision!

fresco · 31/03/2006 08:16

cordobagirl - would it be too expensive or could you have an extension built to your house?
i am amsed at , where i stay, how many bairns families do have. average is 3/4 but lots of them have 5/6.i asked a friend of mine who is the younger sister of 5 girls and also my dh's dad is the youngest of 6 brothers and 2 sisters.and they tell me that 1) catholic dont use protection when having sex and 2) thats the way a lot of irish/scottish families are,they value life thru their family. i am always astonished.

cordobagirl · 31/03/2006 14:42

fresco, yes maybe it's my scottish background that makes me want lots of kids!! at the mo, we rent a flat in Spain (it's the norm here to live in a flat rather than a house). We'll buy in the end, but not sure how many bedrooms we'll end up with.

fresco · 31/03/2006 14:49

in spain? wow!! what brought you to spain?

cordobagirl · 08/04/2006 20:59

We wanted a different life for our family once we had kids. DH and I both worked in London - stressful jobs, long hours, lots of travel etc. After DD1 was born we wanted to be somewhere more family oriented. Plus we both love languages and were keen to bring up our children bilingually. So we quit work, rented out our house and moved to Granada, initially for a year's sabatical to see whether we liked it, and whether we thought we could make a living here. Since then we've moved to Cordoba, have re-trained as teachers and have sold our London house. We love it here. We're much poorer (money wise) but much better off as a family.

expatinscotland · 08/04/2006 21:08

I suggest you try to develop some hobbies or other interests. Honestly, there are so many times on here when women want more kids and the husband doesn't. It's a joint decision, and I wouldn't want to force that on my man anymore than I'd appreciate having it done to me.

Speak to your husband about this. But do respect where he is coming from. I'm not a SAHP, the chief breadwinning is on me, and I'd be a liar if I said that wasn't a hella lot of pressure.

I hope you come to a decision that suits both of you, b/c at the end of the day, kids grow up and leave to lead their own lives, but your husband may (or may not) still be around.

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