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17 replies

Chinchilla · 28/12/2003 20:24

I talked to dh tonight about trying for another baby in June (have to come off ADs and reach target weight). He was VERY anti. Basically, he thinks that it will split us up, because ds was such hard work (a real whiner from birth, and very demanding), and he doesn't want to risk it. I have told him that most second babies are completely placid in relation to the first, and that we will find it easier because of the past experience. He just will not think about it.

He HAS said not to give up hope completely, but I am 34, and ds will be 3 in July. So, if I wait until June to start trying, I will be 35.5 by the time I have the baby. Ds will be nearly 4, and that is assuming that I got pg immediately!

I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I do NOT want to be pg again, as I hated it the first time, all except for the middle 2 months. I also hated the first three months of babyhood, but that was because I was so scared. I would not feel like that again, because I would know what I was doing. On the other hand, I have always wanted two children. I am desperate for a baby at the moment, which I know is my hormones, but I would feel awful if I knew that there was NO chance whatsoever of having another child.

Is anyone else in the same boat? How can I resign myself to just one child? I was really looking forward to enjoying the baby stage the second time, because I feel that I missed out with ds as I was so worried all the time.

OP posts:

dinosaur · 28/12/2003 20:43

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Lisa78 · 28/12/2003 21:38

DS1 is 15 next month, DS2 was born this november... At the ripe old age of 37.5
Just trying to say don't get too upset, you have plenty of time yet, nothing is carved in stone


Lisa78 · 28/12/2003 21:39

I mean I was 37.5 - not that he was 37.5 when born!!!!!!!


Roscoe · 28/12/2003 21:56

Do you have friends with 2 or more babies? It might help him to see/hear benefits for himself, eg company for ds. It IS more difficult with 2 small children but, as you say, it's easier to cope with the practical stuff the second time round.


iota · 28/12/2003 22:01

IME having 2 children is harder work than 1, but worth it.
Ds2 is harder work than ds1, as he thinks he can do everything his older brother can and has consequently had a very dangerous early life.


Chinchilla · 28/12/2003 22:02

Yes, I do have friends with two. Dh doesn't believe (or care) that it is easier the second time around. Or rather, he would not take the risk of getting another baby like ds I do agree that he was Bloody hard work, and that my hormones have taken over, but I do want a baby.

OP posts:

lavender1 · 29/12/2003 14:04


I was in the same boat nearly 8 years ago just after DS was born.DH wanted to wait and didn't know if he really wanted this, when I became pregers he wasn't elated but had to go off and get his around it, as massive upheaval already he soon figured it would be more work but as we had a child already there could be no bigger upheaval.

Now DS is 8 1/2 and DD 7 and he would be lost without them and even wants a third! When dh is sticking by you with one child all the fun you eventually have with 2 outweighs anything. Hope this helps a little


lavender1 · 29/12/2003 14:10

Forgot to say is it because he thinks he'll have 2 very excited children? DS is so placid and quiet, DD is very headstrong and confident, they couldn't be more different...on their own either is fine, but even placid DS turns into wind up person when with just can't tell what they'll be like (if he doesn't mind his ds having no siblings to play with after all his friends have gone) was he an only child?


dinosaur · 29/12/2003 14:58

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

motherinferior · 29/12/2003 15:10

CC, I can reassure you about age - I had my first baby at 37, and my second 19 days after my 40th birthday. So please don't feel too pressured by time.


sunchowder · 29/12/2003 19:31

Chinch! I was 38 when I had my DD, and she was my first. It is so tough not knowing what the future brings. I decided not to concieve again myself, as my DH had 3 children from a previous marriage that were living with us. If we hadn't had those three, I might have tried for one more. You will just have to see how your DH feels about this in June. In the meantime, you have all of us to talk to and express your feelings with so that you don't have to pressure your DH to talk about it for a little while at least! I know how much you must want him to want another child also. Very difficult to be patient when you feel the clock is running, don't lose hope as said from a very "old" mummy!


JanH · 29/12/2003 21:14

Chinchilla, as he has said don't give up hope completely, I wonder if he is just thinking that it will be easier for all of you if you wait until DS1 is a bit older - maybe even at school - so that you aren't struggling on your own all day, first of all pregnant and then with a baby, with a whiny demanding pre-schooler? (He is only 2½ at the moment? A tough age at the best of times!)

34 is still pretty young these days - honest! If you waited another year or so before trying, you would only be 36/37 when the baby arrived (probably better for ds not to have another one the moment he starts school!) and lots of people don't have their first till they're older than that.

Whenever you have a second there are no guarantees that the 2 of them will necessarily play well together. Lots of families have an age gap of at least 5 years. Try to forget a baby for a bit (very hard I know), work on the ADs and target weight, and see how you both feel after you've cracked both of those. You don't have to resign yourself to only one child, but if you spend some time not worrying about a baby, but just enjoying your little boy, you and DH might find you both would like another later on. Hope so. Good luck.


Chinchilla · 29/12/2003 21:46

Thank you everyone for your supportive comments. I know that now is not the time to get pg, but my hormones are totally trying to get me that way! I suppose it shows that we are all just animals when it comes to it!

OP posts:

Crunchie · 30/12/2003 19:49

Chinchilla, those hormones are funny things aren't they! I don't want another, however I don't want to rule it out forever and just occassionally entertain the idea of another. You have seen me with two and I can assure you it is far harder work than one (sorry) This is our reasoning for not having 3, we can hardly cope with 2. By the way you saw them on a good day when they only had a moderate amunt of tantrums!!


lyndsey66 · 30/12/2003 20:14

Chinchilla - can I just add about age gaps - there is a 9 year age gap between me and my sister and we are very close. So dont worry if you have to wait and there is an age gap. x


Chinchilla · 30/12/2003 20:22

Crunchie - your two seemed lovely (but I know from experience that they can seem one thing and act another!!! )

Nice to see you again the other day, o/s Tesco. You were child free! How did you manage that??

Lyndsey - Thanks. I know about the age gap thing (6 yrs older than sis), so do agree with you. I just wanted to get to the stage where I can go ski-ing again, without having it delayed again because of a young baby! Ski-ing is just an example BTW, but you get the general gist. I don't want to have just got ds to the nice and easy/self-sufficient(ish) stage, and then have to go through it all again. Selfish? Maybe...

OP posts:

lyndsey66 · 30/12/2003 21:09

No not selfish, being a mother is selfless enough - dont blame you for looking forward to getting the skis on again!

My dh didnt want a baby. I went on and on and he caved (I know - not the most sensible thing to do and I am not advising you pressure him into it). Any-way from the moment I was pregnant he was overjoyed.

Do you reckon that when your ds is at school and off hand more (sounds awful but you know what I mean) he might come around?!

With regards to the hormone thing - I think this broody thing passes - I have bouts of it and then it passes - then comes back!! very strange.

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