Friend had 1st failed IVF attempt...how can I help?

[desperatehousewife]

She's absolutely gutted and I don't know what to say. I am happy to sit and listen and let her do the talking, but just wondering if there are any wise words out there I could use when I see her tomorrow??

Many thanks
DHW

my friend lost a baby at 11wks on her 2nd IVF, DH, and i just didnt know what tosay, its incredible hard.
she is unbelieveably positive about it thou.

how rough.

she annouced it and all, it was christmas week. and she knows the babys birth day which i feel is so tragic.

for oyur firend - will she have more IVF
my friend always acknowledge that she was very happy to get further each stage on the ivf schedule, so i suppose fr oyur friend that in itself is a positive start

Well, it isn't a really positive time when it fails (I have been there twice). It feels really unfair because generally for weeks and weeks you've been doing all you can to keep your body in tip-top condition, get things right for 'accepting' the embryos, and when it doesn't work it can feel like there is something wrong with you as a nurturer/provider - it's a very difficult thing to explain...(sorry)
Whereas the truth is the odds suck, they still know next to nothing about why implantation occurs in 30 or so % of cases and not in the other 70%.
As for what to say, just steer clear of "It will happen for you".
They really don't know much about implantation at all, so there's nothing she could have done to make it happen. Some embryos just don't implant, even the grade A ones.
Don't forget the hormonal injections are probably making her feel a bit awry as well.

We're about to embark upon 1st IVF and I'm petrified. Don't think there is anything you can say to make it better. Completely agree with Pruni that saying "I'm sure it will happen" is one of the worst things.

Oh god sorry kr, I perhaps should have worded things differently... I have one child by ivf so it does work, just not often enough for my liking...
BTW not everyone goes mad on the hormones, I'm always relatively sane I think.

My BF had 4 attempts at IVF before it worked (over a two year period). She now has two beautiful two year old twins.

She was absolutely devestated each time it failed and dealt with it differently each time. I would say take the lead from her, ask if she wants to talk about or not. Perhaps give it few weeks then send do something to cheer her up...lunch out, flowers. That way she'll know that youhaven;t just forgotten all about it.

I have to say, when I look back my BF was so brave, she just got on with it with very little fuss, but then everyone is different. It was perhaps because she knew she would just keep on trying until it worked.

thanks everyone very much for this. Pruni appreciate the info about it.

She's an incredibly strong, unemotional woman but is just devastated. She said you have to literally live and breathe the process as it's so full on with tests, injections etc etc and then one day it's just all over.

Does anyone know if the percentage changes get any better the more you try?

Everything was going so incredibly well for her - almost too well she said, then she just started bleeding yesterday on the day her period was due.

thanks everyone very much for this. Pruni appreciate the info about it.

She's an incredibly strong, unemotional woman but is just devastated. She said you have to literally live and breathe the process as it's so full on with tests, injections etc etc and then one day it's just all over.

Does anyone know if the percentage changes get any better the more you try?

Everything was going so incredibly well for her - almost too well she said, then she just started bleeding yesterday on the day her period was due.

No, the chances don't get better with each try, I don't think.
I remember the first cycle was just as she described, the second and third were a bit commonplace - you do get used to it to some extent.
The thing is to look forward (not int he sense of eagerly anticipate) to the next cycle, it feel slike you're doing something.
The thing I find is that a cycle takes c 8 to 10 weeks, during which I won't be drinking alcohol or caffeine, I won't be overdoing it, partying (ha! some chance)etc. And sod it if every time, someone isn't trying to demand that I go to their three-day wedding, or come to their big birthday bash, or travel to see them for a week.
Of course they don't know and I don't tell them, but it is wearying trying to turn down invitations and make decent excuses. That side of things gets me down enormously. I feel like "Well, if we just had to have a few shags, I wouldn't really have to be planning my social diary two months in advance and missing out/letting people down/being cagey..."
I reckon she'd be grateful if she could see that you understood how awkward it all is. (As well as emotionally/physically not nice.)

Thanks Pruni. This is such an eye opener - it's just not something i know anything about. It sounds really really tough.

That's ok dh. I am a bit evangelical about telling people what it's like, trying to undo some of the damage teh Daily Mail et al have done - it certainly isn't a lifestlye choice for spoilt execs who couldn't find a man young enough!

From experience with friends, I would say don't try and make them feel better - if she wants to cry her eyes out, then listen, but don't expect to be able to say anything that will help. But being there will help I'm sure.

Although I'm sure it isn't very comforting to hear positive stories, I do have friends who have conceived naturally following a failed IVF attempt - it seemed to get things going. But other people's successes may seem callous.

It's hard to know what to say isn't it - just be caring and listen to what she has to say!

pruni i think u took my use of positive of in the wrong way , and maybe i used the incorrect word.i dont want to be inappropriate in this very sensitive issue, "a positive start", however that is how my friend who is going thru the loss at the moment plus the fact that she will attempt it for the 3rd time later this year. she is being positive about it. maybe thats her character.

I would agree to avoid stories of other people's successes or saying 'it will happen to you' - I mean she has to cope with seeing other people's successful conception outcomes all the time....
So just listen and let her cry.

I've had several attempts at IVF. Now perhaps I'm wrong but I've heard that the chance gets better each time with IVF. I managed to get pregnant on attempt no 3. I think its because they can adjust the drugs/change the drugs depending on how your body copes.

Each attempt I had they changed the drugs protocol ever so slightly. Also made me feel a bit better as they were trying something different.

I think you are very very lucky for it to work 1st time.

Pruni, don't apologise! It's useful to read someone elses experiences and I do know the odds (although obviously you hope it'll work). I actually don't know anyone for whom it did work first time.

Would love to pick your brains sometime actually.

Having lost a natural conception at 23 weeks after years of trying and then two IVF attempts - both positives and both m/c I would echo what others have said - don't say it will happen for you eventually. It is hard enough going out and seeing pg ladies and newborns without family and friends saying things like - oh it will work next time - you never know the IVF may kick start you system to conceive naturally - you are young enough yet, don't worry - believe me I could go on for ever about well meaning things people have said to me, but which have not been so great for me to hear.

My bf was there for me every step of the way. A quick text message, a listening ear or just someone to hold you when you cry is great. Sometimes it was all just too much for DH and bf and her other half were great when I needed to talk and DH didn't and visa versa.

I am a very positive person but this is the hardest road I have been down and we are currently trying to decide if we should go for another cycle or move on to adoption. Decisions are so hard to make when you are emotionally involved.

I really feel for you friend, but I hope that she is physically and mentally stronger soon and able to plan for the future. No one knows what the future holds for any of us and maybe it is just as well.

hermykne - Honest, I wasn't referring to your post at all - I was sort of lost in my own thoughts...

KR Actually, it did work for me first time - we were one of the lucky couples. Subsequent attempts have been for a sibling. I don't know if that counts as secondary infertility...anyway, it's hard.

Email me if you like or I'm on MSN prunepruni at hotmail dot com

thanks very much wendy11. Will bear in mind everything you have said.

x

I'm seeing her today and feel really uncomfortable telling her I'm pregnant. Obviously won't tell her unless she asks. (she knows we are thinking about it) Was wondering about evading the issue and telling white lie - just while she's so raw at the moment. But don't want to patronise her/offend her or whatever by being dishonest.

Am I right to keep gob shut unless she asks outright?

Tough one dhw...How far on are you? I just don't know.

Personally I wouldn't tell her if this is the first time you've seen her since the treatment failed. Otherwise it might be rather a short and awkward conversation....
Give her time and then tell her in a couple of weeks, possibly on the phone so she doesn't have to prolong the conversation.

But of course if she asks you have to say.