Shagging with intent, without enthusiasm

[TheMidnightHour]

Hello! Feel a bit odd about joining MN when the issue is, specifically, that I am not (yet!) a mum but I've been reading along for a while & think you are the best people to ask.

As the title suggests, I need help regaining interest in shagging while TTC.

The circumstances are (I hope) unusual and so here's a fair chunk of backstory.

DP and I have been TTC since Dec 2011, mostly in a fairly slap-dash way - no ovulation tests, charting, etc, just sex when we thought I might be ovulating & whenever else we could manage.

That was all OK until July when my Dad got news that his cancer was back. I'd really like to be able to let him know he's getting a grandchild in the specific, rather than general, so stepped up the SWI, paid a clinic to get the obvious checked (e.g. sperm) and that all looks OK. Tried to relax.

Over the last 8 weeks we've just got more and more bad news about Dad - this isn't working, that isn't working... - and finally, a couple weeks ago, he decided to stop all treatment.

So this (or the next one, or if I'm really, really, really lucky the one after that) will be my last cycle to conceive and be able to tell my Dad he's getting a grandbump.

Unsurprisingly, I don't feel very sexy but I do very much want a BFP this month which means a certain amount of SWI, even if it's not very appealing.

DP has been very thoughtful & kind & supportive, both about the ongoing BFN disappointments and the cancer and grieving. He's on board with the lots of SWI plan, but is struggling to perform when he knows I'm just not into it. This is, in general, a good thing - I would a bit freaked if my disinterest was a turn on TBH - but right now it's just not helping.

Any suggestions? Under normal circumstances, I'd just abandon TTC for this cycle but... well... we all need some good news. And I'll kick myself later if we don't do all we can now.

Hi Midnight so sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time. I'm not really sure I have any useful advice but I didn't want to read and run. Have you considered some counseling or CBT ( a talking therapy ).
I used Clear Blue OPK first time last month and conceived. Unfortionatly it didn't work out but it did allow me to check when the right time to DTD was.
Look after yourself, and again so sorry to hear what you are going through.

Sorry to hear you're going through all this with your dad Op
Use ovulation sticks - takes the guessing out, and you get to have a healthier sex life.

I think you have to take the rough with the smooth whilst ttc, and while it might be nice to tell your dad a little one is on the way, it might be unrealistic. Maybe talk with your dad about how you plan a family with your DP - that might be enough to cheer him up.

You have to be realistic about conceiving, and what effect this news will have on your Dad (it won't cure him for eg)
Again, I feel for you and sorry again for your grief with your dad's illness.

Hi babyjames & totally. Thanks for the messages - I feel a bit less alone now as this isn't really something I can talk to anyone IRL about. I've been googling ovulation tests, thanks to your suggestions, and think that's a good idea for next cycle (too late for this one, just have to x fingers).

babyjames really sorry to hear your BFP didn't work out. Have been having counseling on & off (mostly for unrelated issues) for a couple years, but am currently in Far Far Away, so had to put it on hold while I help parents.

totally I am realistic - just hopeful. I know there's only a slim chance, but it would be so helpful to have a BFP now - not because I think it will change anything, fundamentally, for my Dad, but because we all need some good news and something to look forward to - my Mum and I especially. Mum had just retired & they had all these plans to travel which got knocked out early on. Likewise, DP and I had a once-in-a-lifetime trip planned for this winter (not booked, thankfully) plus other things which have all come crashing down. I can't imagine having made a different choice in the circumstances, but there were definitely other things I wanted to do in the last half of 2012. So I could really do with some good news.

Have been talking to Dad about all sorts of things but anything he's going to miss (grandbabies, xmas...) makes him upset, so got to stick to the present / past.

Oh wah. It's all shit and I want it to stop! // throws useless tantrum, giving DP insight into what a toddler-me would be like and calls it parenting training //

Anyway, you can see why I don't feel so sexy! Maybe I should just give up for the next few cycles - morning sickness plus chemo induced nausea might be too much for one household!

Ps. Thanks for listening!

Well I can relate on the non sexy side, put a bit of weight on just recently so ttc whilst feeling uncomfortable isn't nice and isn't sexy, and also doesn't help DHs performance, so trying more positions 'for him' to make him less aware of my 'non upforitness' so to speak....maybe that would help you get your end result (I'm aware that sounds really mean and selfish on my part but no action means no bfp :/. I'm not really that selfish)
Shutting up now
FX for some good news for you
Xx

angie is it mean to say I'm glad I'm not the only one ?! Am torn between being honest (usual modus operandi) and pretending to be rampant sex kitten :-/

Hope we both get BFP soon & can resume normal service!

Course it's not mean! I like having someone to share a boat with :).
To be completely honest sometimes I either fake enthusiasm or try n get myself 'in the mood' in secret lol. Poor bugger will probs get nothin for a while when I get bfp haha
~ thinking positive baby thoughts for everyone ~

Xx

Hi midnight so sorry to hear about what you have to go through.

We lost our baby at 18 weeks 6 weeks ago, and dh is keen to 'get back on the horse' so to speak but obviously it's hard when you're dealing with so much emotionally.

It sounds really silly but I find reading naughty books helps! It's a bit of escapism and you're absorbed in someone else's story, not your own, so I get a bit of mental headspace. But the upshot is that I do feel more up for it too. Dare I say it, the first 50 shades book is a pile of shite but very easy to read and full of sex, if you've not read it yet. Plus telling dh I'm reading a naughty story helps get him in the mood.

Not sure if that will help you or not, but it's a very odd thing to be grieving and having sex to order, so don't put too much pressure on yourself. If it doesn't happen it won't be your fault and I'm sure your dad wouldn't want you to stress yourself out at a time like this.

Good luck!

Piz

So very sorry about your Dad, TheMidnightHour. Not the same situation, but my Mum got diagnosed with an aggressive cancer around when I found out I was pregnant, so for me the worry was that I wouldn't miscarry and her getting to meet the baby (she did, she's done brilliantly). I was just wiped out and the pressure was quite tough.

I'd echo the advice to try and not put too much pressure on yourself if at all possible - perhaps even just telling your Dad that you are planning children and that you can't wait for the day you see him echoed in your future child could be a lovely thing that is meaningful but not time specific. There is so much stress and uncertainty both in getting pregnant and seeing if it is viable in the first three months, so please just be gentle with yourself if you can xxx

Hi TheMidnightHour, so sorry for what you're going through. I can empathise with the unenthusiastic shagging to order problem, having gone through 5 years of TTC and 8 cycles of IVF (I always tried desperately to get out of the next cycle by conceiving naturally in the months leading up to it, hence SWI). I actually ended up not revealing how mechanical it all was for me; impossible for DH to deal with it and no reason why one of us shouldnt be having a good time, to the point where he wasn't always aware that we were even trying. If you dont want to bother with OPKs etc, the approved pattern is every 2-3 nights for the middle 10 days of your cycle, aiming for at least every 2 nights around whenever ovulation is most likely to be (not foolproof but statistically the odds are good). Do bear in mind though that your body is a delicate thing and the stress you're under might interfere with conception while you're having such a traumatic time.

Thank you to everyone for the comments & suggestions. It has really helped.

My Dad died on Saturday & my period started the same day so it's rough right now. I am going to give myself a few months off and start thinking about OPKs and all that follows sometime after the new year, when life has found a new normal.

so sorry to hear this op x