Tips on how to cope with the disappointment month after month.

[TimeForMyOwnDSorDD]

Got my birthday coming up and still not preg. I was really hoping that the clomid would have worked by now, it has for so many others, but I've only ovulated on it two times out of five.

I know it shouldn't really matter if it's my birthday or not but it just seems like a milestone that marks yet another year of not getting my wish of being a mum.

I keep hearing stuff about relaxing etc but it's easier said than done with the let down month after month.

So what do other MNers do to help the pain a little bit?

I've not been going as long as you - but for me I've had to take myself off a conception thread on here - although the ladies are all lovely and supportive I think it was making me feel worse.
I still read conception threads when I see an interesting topic in Active (like this one!) but I don't go and specifically look at that section.
When I get my period I find its easier to be honest with myself and my boyfriend and acknowledge that I'm upset, maybe have a little cry/emotional time - get it all out and then carry on. The months when I tried to put a 'brave face' on and tell myself off for being so silly were worse because I just end up suppressing the emotion and generally being miserable.

Am looking forward to seeing what other responses are - as I'd like some alternative options as I wouldn't say my way works perfectly...

another who hasn't been going that long really (in middle of 10th cycle atm). First few months I got really disappointed when my period came and quite upset which got DH upset too. Fairly swiftly realised that this could be going on for a while so I needed to get over it!

First I went cold turkey on MN which really helped. Not just this board with all the silly symptom spotting (sorry) but also pregnancy and childbirth which just got me thinking about babies and pregnancy too much of the time. I do tend to get a bit obsessive with these things! As you can see I come on it now occasionally :-)

Secondly I stopped not doing things "because I might get pregnant". for the first few months I was putting off doing or organising various things because if I got pregnant THAT MONTH it might mean a waste of money or whatever. EG buying clothes! Another thing was starting regular exercise, I'm not overweight but unfit, but had been putting off starting anything just in case. Anyway I started the couch to 5k running program which I have just finished. It really helped take my mind off it exceptionally well. Other things too - eg we are booking a skiing holiday for sometime next Jan-Mar which obviously if I got pregnant soon, I probably wouldn't be able to do actual skiing. But it's nice to have something to look forward to and I won't care if I have to not ski because of being pregnant as I'd just be too excited!

Finally we sometimes book weekends away for just the two of us (just in the UK) when I know my period's due. Just so we can be just us 2 and not have to put on a brave face over it if we had any social stuff etc. But on the other hand sometimes I prefer to be around others so we can't just dwell on it!

Basically I tried to revert to my life as it was before we started TTC, but just without being on the pill. IE not make my life revolve around it.

I am very aware that OP you have probably been trying a LOT longer than me, and I'm sure being on Clomid must blow away the "it'll never happen" mindset that I am in a bit, it must give you a whole barrel-load of new hope! I'm sure if I'm still pg-less in a year I may need a whole new coping strategy, but maybe this is useful - if not for you maybe for others getting caght up in crazy TTC time...

Similar to not putting your life on hold,I try to keep myself open to opportunity and say yes to things even if I don't fancy it. So if a friend suggests a weekend away, I go. If a job opportunity comes up, I take it. If there's champagne on offer, I drink it- regardless of the time of month. I find it means I have more things to look forward to and focus on when the chips are down. Sounds obvious really but before making a conscious effort to do this, I'd turn things down because I wasn't in the mood or I might be pregnant by then- adding to the dissapointed when you realise you're not. Good luck Ladies, keep positive :)

I've been ttc for just over 2 years and it is bloody hard! Anyone who dares say "relax" to a woman struggling to conceive should be strung up! Honestly it is the most patronising thing anyone can say.

I think you just have to take it one step at a time. Personally I find negative pregnancy tests far harder to take than my period showing up, so I try to avoid testing until I'm at least a few days late.

I've found Mumsnet invaluable in talking to other long-term ttcers and I avoid the "bus" conception threads so that I don't need to deal with new ttcers who seem to fall pregnant instantly

Finally I let myself have a cry when I need to, like today when a colleague announced she is 13 weeks with her second, and I talk, talk, talk to DH. We're a team and we're in this together.

I agree with much of what frankel says, very wise words! Sometimes I just have to cry and have an eeyore moment, and that's ok. I also share (it all!) with my amazing dh and that way I feel I'm not alone.

I also don't test anymore. It used to really mess me up.

I don't think, being honest, that I 'cope'. I just get through it. Keep myself busy, try not to over think things and spend time with friends and family. After 18 months I now can answer questions from nosy folk without crying, which is a significant improvement.

I've also - which is most unlike me - massively reduced contact with people who are pregnant or have said inappropriate things. For example, a colleague got pregnant by accident and as far as possible, I kept my distance. This does not apply to close friend and family, seeing them be pregnant and have babies gives me hope.

I really hope you get pregnant soon.

I luff Frankel!

Yes I agree with the above. You either take a step back from MN (I never ventured into pregnancy or baby names because it didn't help!) or you join a thread with like minded people in conception to get the support. I agree with not putting your life on hold - I also started running and found that both therapeutic and helped me get fitter. I did still save money towards a baby fund but we also treated ourselves at times. I didn't drink as much but I still drank. I stopped testing too like others said because it was easier to deal with AF arriving as expected than staring for hours at a line that wasn't there! Even with I did get my BFP (after 32 cycles!) I had assumed it would be negative and didn't believe the test!

Have you talked to the clinic about the clomid? Just thinking if it hasn't really done its job, should they be upping the ante so to speak?

I second a lot that has been said before, especially the talking to your OH and letting yourself cry when you need to. Also, I have taken charge back in my life, we've been having treatments and investigations on and off since March (with the first batch of tests last summer) and I really let it rule my life. Many weekends away let go this year or hols carefully planned around likely clinic times etc. And now (having gotten pg after 25 months and miscarried) I feel a bit resentful to having wasted so much of this year...

So although we'll get back on the treatment horse when I am physically capable, we will keep having a life. We've planned a holiday and several weekends away over the next few months (when we thought we would need to get them in before having the baby) and we'll go ahead with them. I want my life back, as well as a baby. Also, what really helped me recently, is having rewarding work. I am not TTC there, I am trying to make a difference. It feels very good to leave the stress and worry associated with TTC at home.

I agree with faith to query your clinic about treatment, wasting months on clomid, if it does not deliver the egg it should, seems unnecessary!